I (31F) have really taken a break from dating to look after myself over the last year or so and it’s been great for my self-esteem. Over the last few months, I had a co-worker pursue me who had previously been in a relationship – asking me to hang out all the time etc. I actually left the job due to other opportunities, and intended to cut off contact as I wasn’t interested in getting involved in his breakup but vaguely agreed to hang out in a friendly way. When we eventually did, there was alcohol involved and we ended up sleeping together which he made pretty clear that he had planned for. Since then I’ve tried to meet up to talk about it and he’s been really distant (of course) and I’ve finally called him out, and long story short, has said he just wants to be friends now because of the breakup and whatever.
It’s so frustrating and disappointing because it’s made me worry I’ll undo a lot of the good work I’ve done and fall back into old patterns seeking validation. I didn’t pursue him at all and now there’s a lot of self-doubt involved that he was disappointed with me sexually as well. I’ve expressed this and said I don’t want to be friends (I didn’t even want to in the first place to be honest) but I’m still hurting.
I guess I don’t know what to do now. Anyone else been in the same scenario and have tips for keeping the chin up?
29 comments
I would say don’t lose yourself over someone. Since the guy admitted that his intentions was to have sex with you, it seems like he was using you as a rebound to get around his ex or something. You are precious. Don’t under estimate yourself. Be strong and don’t give up on yourself. It is hard to overcome this. But you can do it. He is in the wrong for using you.
I’m really sorry he did that to you. Such a predictable jerk.
I wouldn’t worry. One mistake and slip-up doesn’t indicate a renewed pattern. And we all make mistakes and regress as we improve ourselves — the key now is two steps forward before your next step back. 🙂 Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and take the next step forward.
One thought too is if you are worried about a guy manipulating you, skip the alcohol when alone with a guy and stay in a public place. There was a really good NYT article (or maybe it was a Reddit post?) a few years ago where a woman stopped drinking on dates — it was eye opening for her and helped her pick a better guy.
Are you in therapy? I highly recommend seeking out a good therapist for yourself if you aren’t. They are very good at keeping you grounded and believing in yourself. And it may take a few therapists before you find the right one for you.
But the fact you recognize you made an error, and that you want to stay strong, is a great sign. Keep up the good work. You’ll continue to get better, and also forgive yourself for a few mistakes along the way.
I took about 2 years out to look after myself. A man was chasing me for a while and I had zero interest in him. One day I just thought fuck it and we ended up having sex and now he isn’t interested in me. Its completey a him thing and nothing to do with you. Don’t wind yourself up about it with what ifs ect, he was always just going to use you for sex no matter what.
Uhm yeah I can relate to this a ton actually…
the first thing I’ll say that you’re not going to like is to forgive yourself, you’re human and you reached for a connection. Unfortunately broski wasn’t emotionally intelligent enough to handle leaving you alone or even thinking about making it real. Whatever it was an experience that happened and isn’t holding you back from your goal of something better at all, it was only a reminder. the hurt will fade with a bit of time, and hopefully some other hunk will catch your attention soon
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>I didn’t pursue him at all
>
> I wasn’t interested in getting involved in his breakup but vaguely agreed to hang out in a friendly way
I’d say your evasiveness in this post is a sign this is probably something you should unpack with your therapist because while on the surface, you say you avoided him and didn’t want anything, in reality, you went out with him, had a few drinks and had sex.
realize that there’s probably a great reason that you might never know that it didn’t work out.
It’s much harder to maintain the positive attitude when you haven’t had a date or match for 6-8 months.
Hey, please don’t be so hard on yourself.
Reading through your post, you didn’t do anything wrong. A guy pursued you and then did a 180 after having sex – that’s a shitty thing to do. I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s normal to be hurting from this – let yourself feel how you feel, just don’t go back to chat with him.
I don’t think this reflects anything on you tbh. You didn’t pursue him nor seek validation. Don’t try to read into his actions / intentions & don’t blame yourself either. He just wasn’t upfront about his intentions is all.
Hang in there & take care. Hope you can slowly move on from this.
So…. What’s wrong with being rejected ? What does that mean to you?
The answer to that is what you need to get ok with.
YOU need to accept those things , you need to allow yourself to not be perfect, to not always get what you want – to be rejected.
Also look at the expectations you had with or after the sex…. And look at how you were dishonest with that action- and in the future- make sure to make your actions clean. Your intent with sex, always always needs to be purely selfish. With zero expectations.
Damn, that’s fucked up. Even as a guy I’ve been in situations where someone comes on hot n’ heavy, then bails as suddenly as they came on. My belief is that folks like that are generally A. in it for the chase or B. looking for someone who matches their love-bombing tendencies to make them “feel” again. Neither is a good long term partner, but obviously it sucks you ended up sleeping with someone and getting feelings.
In terms of self-esteem, just think of guys you’ve dumped despite having great sex. I absolutely know I have people in my past where the sex was amazing but the relationship unfulfilling. Sexual performance is not the make or break. Sounds more likely that he’s not past his ex, or just trying to play the field and doing it in the shittiest way possible.
Besides, you basically sensed he wasn’t over his ex and that you didn’t want to be a rebound so toss some kudos to your instincts for figuring it out.
Lastly – you’ll find someone. It only takes one.
Go try something new like a rock climbing session so you have something to be proud of yourself for.
His actions reflect on his character. Not you. I find it conceited he even admits to his intentions.
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Definitely can relate. The thing is, what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. For me I’d set the goal with just being honest with yourself. Both good and bad. Because then at the very least you know you don’t have to deal with self inflicted confusion. You get plenty of that from others, hahahaha 😭
So, maybe you weren’t very good in bed with him. Then again, probably the reason is that you didn’t want to sleep with him in the first place. Oh well 🤷🏻♂️ And if there are any feelings of guilt about ending the friendship, I’d pour a nice strong drink and let that feeling slip away bc he doesn’t sound like a great person, so you’re likely better off. It just doesn’t always seem/feel that way in the immediate aftermath and you just need a bit of time to mentally distance yourself from the whole thing and then you’ll probably feel much better.
And also now you know that not following your gut winds up making you feel shitty, so you can try to be more careful in the future and trust your own instincts. But beating yourself up never helps anything. We’re all works in progress. Take your lumps, be honest with yourself, and try to do what you know is best for you next time. My go-to for feeling better and forgetting about shitty stuff like this is a good book. I know that probably sounds corny or “old man”, but hey, it works for me. To Kill A Mockingbird got me through a really awful breakup.
Since you asked for tips, my tip would be don’t sleep with someone until you’re sure they’re not just there for the sex. For me, that’s usually like the 8-10 date mark. For some people, it’s earlier.
Most dudes who just want sex will run away if you don’t do it within the first 1-3 dates. That helps weed out people who just want sex.
There’s nothing wrong with just wanting sex, but if you’re both not on the same page, you end up in situations like this.
So I advise, no alcohol on the first few dates and don’t have sex right away.
Probably not what you wanted to hear.
It’s very difficult to, but sometimes you just have to get to the point where you can try to see that the results of these types of experiences are not a direct reflection on you. You did nothing wrong, but we are so quick to wonder where we fucked up. Perhaps he’s not able to communicate that he’s no longer interested (emotional intelligence is rare), but also perhaps this is someone you don’t want/need to be involved with either; it’s not just you. Perhaps the universe just did you a solid and got rid of something that wasn’t going to be beneficial for the path you are currently on.
Go back to, and continue to prioritize the relationship you have, and have spent that last year building, with yourself. You next experience will come along; maybe it turns out the same, maybe you have an undeniable connection. Either way, people come and go. Be kind to yourself <3
Be kind to yourself. Rather than negative self talk, focus on speaking yourself as you would a friend in this same situation.
It happened, and his not wanting to pursue a relationship means you are not tied in any way to someone who was incompatible. And it frees up time and energy for someone who wants you and appreciates you.
Yeah, so this episode is more a result of this guy’s lack of moral character and nothing to do with your value as a human. He was out for a one night stand and no matter who you were and what happened that night, the result would have been the same. I am really sorry this happened to you. Please forgive yourself, be kind to yourself and don’t let this motions actions detract from your self worth.
I hate it when a woman is happy with her life and takes care of herself in peace and then yet another man fucks up her sacred peace. I had read a study saying that romantic interests ruined women’s focus and accomplishments. Unfortunately the connections that make us grow and add value to our life are rare.
A way to keep your self-esteem up: See it for what it is. Yet another dick. There is plenty, literally if there is something the world has no shortage of, that is dick. You’ll be fine I promise. Cherish yourself for being open to life and to real connections and accept that the world doesn’t always respond the way we wish.
I feel like this is a him thing and not a you thing. It’s a you thing if you pick these types over and over, but the behaviour pattern of someone who does a 180 from liking you to not is totally about them. If this is a pattern, you’ll have to learn how to bark up the right tree and protect yourself from emotionally unavailable people. Anyone would feel rejected and sad when this happens – that’s fine. But not everyone would ignore that and continue pursuing people like this
You’ll be fine. You’ll find another.
Here’s my advice: if you’re unsure on how you can handle such situations, do not be friends with men. You want to cut contact? Just remove all form of contact and don’t offer friendship. Simply say “sorry, I don’t see you that way” and leave it at that.
Here’s the thing. Most people’s actions are about them, not other people (ie you).
1. It sounds like this guy found you attractive and at least interesting enough to pursue and put some effort into getting together. Just because it didn’t go further doesn’t mean you should look at as you’re less than or didn’t meet expectations.
2. There’s no reason to feel shame or like you did something wrong or whatever for having sex. Fuck that noise and societal expectations. Your feelings are always valid, just make sure they’re YOUR feelings not some shit expectation drilled into you.
3. Sounds like they way this ended has more to do with this guy not being in a good place on multiple levels, and maybe just not a great person. It would be cool if he didn’t bring you into that, but it happened. Don’t let his crap negatively impact you.
Tell everyone at your old job that he has a small penis and sucks in bed.
You were your own person before him, and you’re your own person after him.
Frankly he used you. That’s why it hurts and you’re doubting yourself.
But his shitty actions don’t negate the entirety of your being.
So, chin up and take care of yourself. Learn from this blip in your life’s history and never let yourself make the same mistake.
Ask yourself why was it that you agreed to hang out and not turn him down if you weren’t that interested. Never mix alcohol with early dates and men you aren’t sure about in the future.
I find a lot of women are way too agreeable. You can actually draw strength from not trying to please people but stand your ground.
I’m someone that’s not very flexible and I don’t care to please other people. Ironically I get more respect than my girlfriends that bend over backwards for everyone else and ignore themselves and what they want.
Going to add a little different perspective I haven’t seen mentioned yet I don’t think.
There is a scenario where he may have honestly believed there was something more between you two.
He had the sex, and the mystery was gone and he had the “post orgasm clarity” and the male monkey brain went, oh…I was just horny and I knew this attractive woman and my brain disguised it as maybe more could be made out of it.
There’s actually a short Rogan clip (feel about him however ya like) that summarizes this pretty well, and honestly it’s pretty accurate for a lot of guys. Even the same guy who may normally be “good” can still have moments like this.
Unlike a lot of people in the thread, I wouldn’t recommend assuming the worst of this guy.
You’re both adults, you both consented, and you both will move on from here. And of course, this has much less to do with you, and more to do with him / the two of you not really matching.
It’s hard to believe, but if you are aware of your pattern/cycle, then you can never fall as deep as your first time. Think about it, you are aware! That’s a great tool. Imagine if you had that tool the first time you cycled, would it have been as long and dark? No! It would not!
Awareness is our tool. And like any life skill, once you possesses it, you carry it for life. Not only that, but the more you use it, the quicker and better you get with it. Like muscle memory.
But yes, you may back slide, but that is part of the learning process. Then do it again and see how far you slide next time. I guarantee it will not nearly be as far. And in no time you won’t even remember the fear of sliding.
So go for it OP, you got this!
i dont get it, i would be also be frustrated and disappointed
did you have a good time? the only thing i can think of is he wants you to chase him a bit because he chased you for so long, even out the scales
Be disappointed for him as opposed to being disappointed by him.