My (22f) and (25m) boyfriend have been together for over a year. Truthfully we share a morbid sense of humor but lately I’m not sure what’s jokes anymore.
Prior to us getting together he struggled with mental health. His family put a lot of unnecessary stigma around mental health so he’s basically been shamed into not seeking help. In all honesty, his mom is a bully to him and his siblings. She regularly butts in our lives and is incredibly emotionally manipulative.
Example: she tried to hold an intervention when he didn’t want to do her a favor but the favor still got done.
When he gets in a mood he shuts down and freezes me out. Sometimes when he freezes me out it can be very triggering because I was regularly emotionally neglected as a child. I feel like I’m going in circles. Growing up both of my siblings and my best friend tried to end their lives within the span of 6 months. Part of me feels like I’m cursed.
Back to my bf, this is his first episode in over a month. When he’s not in these lows he’s everything I ever wanted. That’s why I get so upset and scared when he doesn’t see himself the way that I do. We have had conversations about it in the past and there are definitely improvements but I have this nagging feeling in my gut I can’t shake.
I guess my question is, how can I make my concerns known that doesn’t feel like I’m piling on. I’m stuck right now, change will only happen if he wants it.
I don’t want to lose him in any way but my heart cant handle those I love hurting themselves.
TLDR: my boyfriend doesn’t want to seek help for his depression and it causes a lot of worry in me
3 comments
You’re not in a position, professionally and personally, to own this responsibility. In fact, it will backfire if you try to help. I would sit down with him and see if there’s a discussion where therapy can be considered. They’re licensed specialist that understands the layout.
Coming from someone who has a long history of bad mental health problems, I suggest you have a talk with him and get somebody professional to help. If you really think he might harm himself, call 911. It doesn’t get better on it’s own and he has to be the one to get help.
It’s a common pattern for women to get into… “He’s the perfect guy! Except for this one thing… that he isn’t willing to work on or change in any way.”
So the first thing is to take care of yourself. Be clear about how much of a project you’re willing to take on and how long you’re willing to give him. The thing I would look for is whether he’s willing to engage in some way to continue trying to make forward progress.
If he’s open to therapy it sounds like it would be very helpful. Unfortunately therapy often isn’t set up to meet men where they are at and that can be a big hurdle.
Would he be willing to read stuff in his free time? Some suggestions:
– Feeling Good by David Burns (self-therapy from a CBT book can be as effective as with a therapist)
– Where to Draw the Line by Anne Katherine
– /r/raisedbynarcissists
– videos from Kati Morton and other therapists with YouTube channels