So my wife has never had an orgasm. She has never even gotten herself off on her own. She doesn’t like sex apparently and whenever we try to have sex she does nothing but resist me and complain about how disgustes she feels about sex. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so sexually frustrated from not having sex that I’m pretty done with the marriage.
I told her I wanted out of the marriage and she called me shallow for wanting to end things because she won’t have sex with me. I don’t see how I’m to blame that she can’t orgasm when she won’t even try to have sex with me. All she ever does is lay there like a dead fish and whine about being fucked. Even goes as far as to say she feels like she’s being raped.
I don’t know how to deal with her anymore and I’m hurting because I love her but I cannot be with someone who will no longer have sex with me. I feel unwanted and trapped in a sexless marriage.
46 comments
This is not a good relationship for anyone involved. Time to move on and let you both find people you will be compatible with.
There are a lot of sexless marriage, you need to decide if you can live like that, if not, move on even if you love her. if not you get what you get.
How did it get to this point? Did you never have sex before marriage?
How’s your relationship overall apart from bedroom? How she is doing emotionally? When wife’s not wanting it anymore maybe the problem is somewhere else. Try to get to the root of it.
If she can’t get herself off how can she expect you to?
If you’re not wanting a sexless marriage, this isn’t something to stay in, sorry. Things Will get better after.
She feels like she’s being raped because you’re raping her – that’s what having sex without consent of the person is called.
You’re forcing her – that’s rape.
I do not give a single crap how frustrated you are, if you don’t have consent, you keep your hands and other body parts to yourself.
I’m disgusted that no-one else here has said this already.
She likely knows you may seek divorce and threw out the word rape intentionally. If you get a lawyer make sure they know that. She will use it against you even if she consented.
Sex is super important in a relationship. You aren’t wrong for wanting to leave because she flat out refuses to have sex with you. She however sounds like she really needs some therapy. I would bet she has a lot of trauma surrounding sex.
Time to get out, sex is a huge part of a relationship
She valid for that
You sound weird. She clearly hates having sex with you; maybe you’re bad at it, maybe she’s bad at it, probably both, but she’s TOLD you it disgusts her. It doesn’t matter that you make the money or do the chores, it doesn’t matter that it’s the “one thing” you ask for, the fact that you fuck her when she “resists” you and has told you to your face sex with you feels like she’s being “raped” is pretty gross. You need to leave, because even though your wording has me mad suspicious, I think you deserve a willing participant in the bedroom; this woman is not that, so please leave her alone. Either open up your marriage so you can have sex and she can happily never have to see your dick again, or leave her. There’s no middle ground here, you need to fuck and she is disgusted by you, it’s over. Start looking for living arrangements.
It’s not up to her. If you want out, there’s nothing she can do about it. You aren’t compatible for each other, so don’t waste each others time.
Long story short. Not your fault..if she can’t get herself off, how does she expect someone else. Cut your losses and jump ship..no one has to accept your decision, just yourself..
I’m just baffled that you managed to get married given this.
It sounds like she’s probably unhappy with herself and taking it out on you. Sounds like it’s doomed unfortunately. Just get out of it and make yourself happy no point in wasting your life with someone whose miserable.
I… kind of believe her when she says she feels like she’s being raped.
The fact that you describe your encounters by saying “she does nothing but resist me” feels really odd…
Sex is important and I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship like this and I would leave if I were you. But also, if she doesn’t want to have sex and is complaining about it while you are doing it how is it not rape?
have you or your wife considered the idea that she is just asexual? you definetly shouldnt be together
This sounds like something that has been implemented in her mind as a child.
I was caught masturbating once by my very religious mother and was told I was going to hell.
Didn’t touch myself for years.
But yeah, time to move on.
Do you do anything other than PIV? Women often decide they don’t like sex because they get nothing out of it. Most women need more than PIV to enjoy sex.
She could be asexual?
Don’t focus on PIV. Some women literal feel nothing. Sometimes just pain
Hmmm. Looks like the wifey is not enjoying herself. She will never orgasm because her emotional state does not conform to it. Please realize that this is in no way your fault whatsoever.
There may be some workarounds, coz y’know you love her enough to marry her and actually seek outside advice to keep her. Too many people give up too easily by going away, but that is last resort.
1. When you’re alone and both relaxed and kinda open for each other. Politely ask her why she doesn’t like sex. Tell her your need to know is very important. Her saying ‘it’s like rape’ indicates to me that she may have experienced trauma previously and she may not have told you. If she was raped before, that puts a whole new spin on this situation. However this is also very sensitive territory so don’t push her to divulge in one sitting. It may happen over several tries. But knowing the reason why from her puts you into a better position as a husband. Also tell her you love her and will be on her side with this. But the most important thing is finding out why she feels the way she does about sex. Never ask ‘Do you love me?’ Trust me, don’t do that. You tell her you love her.
2. To ease off your needs as a guy, ask her if it’s ok if you masturbate beside her because you enjoy her presence as your wife. Emphasize it’s both a physical and emotional need for you. My wife also had a long period of anti-sex and this got me through. First started with masturbating beside her, then while holding her hand, then progressed to kissing. After a year we were ok having a little sex, and then we progressed to better sex when she found a safe zone. If she says no, do it when she falls asleep beside you. We lose battles. It’s the war we’re trying to win. During that one year, I entertained every thought from cheating to divorce to just leaving out the door. None would have improved my situation.
3. There must be something that turns her on. Go back to the early days of your relationship. Pick through the haystack of memories and find the situations that got her excited.
I understand your frustrations. I really really do coz I’ve been there. Now that I’m in my 50s I have another issue that is 2 consecutive letters of the alphabet in reverse. This plus she’s also post menopause and gets dry spells like the Sahara. But that’s my problem. Life always throws us curved balls. But it’s our job to hit those and make home run. Am proud to say we just finished 20 years of marriage. Sex is no longer a primary urge for me/us. Thank goodness for that.
Gtfo now! Jhc
I think she has some emotional problems she needs to deal with and also you leaving because she refuses to try and solve the problem and just blames it on you is a pretty good reason to leave especially when it’s taking up half of your relationship, sex therapy can be helpful in this situation
Divorce.
Leave! that seems like a terrible marriage….no way you can see yourself staying
I mean I’m sorry you’re going through this: missing something you want in your relationship. You aren’t compatible together it seems.
However devil’s advocate here, you said you’re having sex with her *while* she’s whining and doesn’t want to. That’s traumatic for her and how could you be ok with doing that? The more sex is made into a traumatic horrible thing she has to *endure*, the even further she’s gonna hate it. You guys should have had talks or counseling about this lonnng before it got to the point of you basically being fine with using her body while she is miserable the whole time. There’s plenty of redeemable reasons for sex issues: she could have hormone issues after children. She could have trauma you’re unaware of. Could be stressed about other areas of your marriage. She could need help to figure out how to orgasm (since never having one sounds awful). Honestly how long have you been together that you’ve never tried to explore how to get her an orgasm? It’s not your fault that her body isn’t doing it…but it’s kind of your fault for not caring enough to figure it out before it became a dead bedroom.
Dude just run. I can’t believe someone who allegedly loves you would say sex with you feels like rape that’s literally awful and meant to hurt you. Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship and you deserve to have your needs met as much as everyone else does, especially without ‘whining’ and being guilt tripped.
This relationship doesn’t work. It’s better to split, hurt for a while and then move on and find someone who will make you feel wanted and loved. If you’re not happy and yiu don’t see any sort of concerne from your wife there’s no reason why you should continue this relationship.
Well… Yeah.
Jesus Christ, you have sex with her while she is actively telling you she doesn’t like it and feels like you are raping her? And you call that her whining??
You didn’t mention your age….but this is the kind of woman that was ravenous when I got divorced at 40 and was back on the dating scene….The once divorced woman, with sexual regrets, and found her orgasms/sexuality later in life.
My first wife in her 20s rarely had orgasms. We had some of the same conflicts about sex…..She was down to fuc but it was married sex….the kind where halfway through she says “you know we really need to paint this ceiling” or “my mother called today..”, but had a resurgence about 35 sexually. That lasted about 3 years…
Somewhere out there is a dude, who hates sex just as much as she does. They can be together and whine. Save yourself from that crap.
She doesn’t have to accept anything, just divorce her, you are clearly not compatible.
I mean, sorry to break it to you but it IS rape. She hates sex and doesn’t want to fuck but you still do? That’s… yeah
You’re not wrong to leave but what you’re describing “she does nothing but resist me” and “she goes so far as to say she feels like she’s being raped” is fucking disturbing. You should never have sex with someone who is resisting or says they feel akin to being raped… because that might actually be rape.
You don’t need to stay in this relationship, she doesn’t want you and it honestly does sound very concerning what you’re describing happens when she doesn’t want to have sex.
Time for a divorce unless you think this can be resolved with couples’ therapy, but I think it may be beyond that based on what you’ve described.
You both should see a sex therapist, separately. From what you’re saying, she could have some sexual trauma that’s keeping her from being comfortable enough to reach orgasm. A therapist may be able to help you both work through these issues that you each have, and then maybe you can use what you’ve learned to try it out together. ♥️ Sexually healing takes a lot of time and patience.
After reading through a lot of the comments and your responses, I really think the only reasonable advice you’re gonna get on reddit is this: go see a couples therapist or sex therapist. There is a LOT of context missing here, and what sounds like a lot of resentment that has built up over time, along with a major lack of good faith communication.
Engaging with a neutral third party professional is probably the only way forward that doesn’t put additional strain on the relationship.
She may be asexual. In that case you both aren’t sexually compatible
Leave her dude.
sexual compatibility is very important in relationships. for most people, especially those w vulvas, it’s very common to not be able to orgasm during sex and a lot easier to by just masturbation. it’s not your fault. you can’t make her feel good if she doesn’t know what makes her feel good
I don’t care what she thinks bro, you need out of there asap. You don’t seem like a bad guy at all, and if you haven’t been so far, don’t let her try to play victim. Your sexual needs are important and this is just a shit situation. Please move on and find a woman who makes you feel wanted 🥺
Have you considered working with a sex therapist or couples therapist? These issues can be addressed quite well with someone who has the right background.
Toxic relationship per definition you got here, sorry to say but yes, definitely move on.
And she definitely needs therapy. Could also have nothing to do with you at all but some deeper cause that makes her feel like that about something intimate which should be enjoyed.
Sending you power to be able to make the needed cut and move on, king.
IF YOUR WIFE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX SITH HER.
Counseling??? She sounds kind of dismissive like maybe there’s something going on for her and she doesn’t know how to communicate it to you. It’s not great how she’s communicating to you, but maybe she just doesn’t know how?