I need feedback from married people, not from 16 year olds, that’s why I’m not in r/relationships
I planned a family vacation for this year. For context, I’ve planned our family vacations since we became a family. The last vacation he “planned” was our honeymoon and I even planned half of that. That’s fine, it’s not his thing. Instead, he changes plans ideas, etc at the last minute after I’ve planned them, put them into motion, etc, then gets pissed when I don’t bend to every whim. I can be halfway through cooking a meal and he comes along and decides he doesn’t want that for supper and will cook an entirely different meal, and then present two meals to the kids. The key everytime is that he doesn’t make any plan, I will ask him opinions and get no answer, will come up with a plan on my own, then he critiques my plan.
This year, I planned to come to my family’s cottage for 2 weeks. This was planned at least in May, most likely March that we booked the time off. I told him we could do something else for part of the time, he’d just have to plan it. He never did. My MIL decides to join us as well, then at the last minute, my parents.
We’re here one day and he decides he wants to go back to our house for the 2nd week. I ask him what the plan is and he says nothing, were going to do chores. I told him no, I’m not doing chores on my vacation, and he can go home if he wants, but kids and I are staying here. He decides to go visit his mother’s family. Doesn’t book a hotel until the last minute, and oops, everything is booked. Then starts blaming me, says we need to go back and sit at the house, even though my family is visiting at the cottage.
He launches into this whole fight that he never agreed to come here, the plan the WHOLE TIME was to spend the 2nd week at home, that he doesn’t want to be around my parents, that I am keeping his mother from her other family (I’m not).
What it boils down to is he didn’t make a plan, then is pissed and blaming me.
6 comments
Yeah I’ll take my downvotes but sticking to an itinerary militantly isn’t mine or my husbands jam. Also spending two weeks with my family in law wouldn’t be something I wanted to do. One week? Sure. Two? Nope. Nope nope. I don’t think you’re an asshole but I think your styles are different. That’s ok. I don’t think he’s an asshole either.
This is ridiculous. He can go home and pout. Next year he can plan the vacation.
It seems like your problem isn’t really the vacation but it showed you that there is thing in life that wrecks your nerves. Seems like you and your husband are very different and neither of you can cope with it.
So have you had a talk with him when you are not mid-plan?
Of course, he’s screwed up and is blaming you which isn’t cool.
I think you’ve both fallen into the habit of you doing the planning and him either going along or else reacting.
I create a shared spreadsheet that looks like a calendar and we put the travel plans and activities into the days of the week and we both comb over it usually together. Things aren’t military, but we know that on this day we’re going to go to that museum or this day we have the plane tickets at 7:45 or whatever. And we have family meetings together every week at a minimum going over everything over and over so that both of us are on board. The really big trip sheets were so good that we’ve shared them with others-like 2 weeks in Italy for our 30th anniversary. We’d booked several side tours and a cooking class and the web link to each one is there.
Something like this is a visual that he can’t say he had no part of, because he’s seen it over and over and he’s had to think about whatever it is he wants. Week two clearly says be at home with XYZ and he’s seen it and talked about it a dozen times. And the squares have been blank because he put nothing in them, meaning he’s made no plans, meaning there are no plans.
And we all know that hotels and flights are crazy packed right now–the entire world has lost its mind traveling to make up for the lockdown. If you don’t plan, it ain’t happening.
The crux of your issues come to down to communication and having different expectations. It sounds like your husband wants to go with the flow while you want to plan everything out.
>This year, I planned to come to my family’s cottage for 2 weeks. This was planned at least in May, most likely March that we booked the time off. I told him we could do something else for part of the time, he’d just have to plan it. He never did. My MIL decides to join us as well, then at the last minute, my parents.
This sounds like an absolutely terrible time to me. Perhaps not, but the way you write this makes it sound like you decided to go on vacation and then everyone else just decided to join you guys without actually sitting down and having a conversation with your husband first. Seems like your husband is then lashing at as he isn’t happy. Neither of you seem to be communicating properly and you have different expectations around planning trips.
> I can be halfway through cooking a meal and he comes along and decides he doesn’t want that for supper and will cook an entirely different meal, and then present two meals to the kids.
This sounds absolutely infuriating from your husband. With that said have you actually sat down and talked to him about why he does this? Going to give you an anecdote from my wife and I. She likes to buy food in bulk and plan things farther out than I do. I would rather visit the grocery store for smaller trips twice a week. She will go out, without talking to me and buy a bunch of food but then get upset that I’m not meal planning as it is extra work for her. Meanwhile we almost always have a fridge and pantry full of perishable food that I’m worried about going bad and occasionally it does. I’m anxious that we are wasting food and will frequently make trips to the store to pick up just coffee because she won’t communicate before going to the store. She then gets mad that I’m not meal planning and it was all due to lack of communication and different expectations.