I already postet this on a ED subreddit but I want to get the opinion of people who don’t suffer from ED
He said „ you’re so fat, it’s so hot“ while I was on top. I instantly was turned off but I let him finish. I was shocked because I told him of my ED before but maybe he didn’t remember? But who would even like that comment? I couldn’t really look at him after I was so shocked. I relapsed after 6 months. He knew that something was up because I rejected him when he wanted sex after. He found that unusual because we both are mostly horny all the time. Later that day I talked to him about it (that it hurt, not that I relapsed) and he didn’t really apologise but he said that he has to be more careful in the future. He was also sad because I rejected physical contact. Another thing that really hurt me was that he mentioned that he knew some people who faked it in the past. Why did he say that?
Now it’s 3 days later and I relapsed hard. I said that I need some space but we will see us tomorrow. I don’t know how to act now. For him it’s nothing but for me it really broke me. I can’t even think about having sex with him, it’s gotten so scary to me. I don’t think that he even knows that It hit me this hard. For example he asked me if I want to go swimming tomorrow. It feels like he doesn’t care about my problems. He’s acting like nothing happened. But I also don’t want him to treat me differently for example watch how much I eat
The thing that really hurts is that he never sees his mistakes. He never apologises and always thinks he’s right. He knows that he has to work on this. The problem for me is that I don’t think that I can handle it for this problem because it’s something so personal. If he doesn’t apologise and doesn’t see how he did something wrong what should I do? I don’t know what to do
What I ask myself the most is why did he say that? Was it really accidentally? Or does he want to kill my confidence so that I stay with him? It doesn’t make sense in my head. If I was important to him he would have remembered I don’t know
Edit: It’s not possible that he meant phat because he said it in german. He literally said „you’re so fat, it’s so hot“
44 comments
Oh my god, leave this person now. Please please please do not let this cause a relapse and put your health in jeopardy. He is a terrible human being and he is not worth your health.
And do you have the resources you need? Are you getting help?
He’s trying to control you , so he is going after a sensitive spot. I had a partner tell me I had a small penis when I literally don’t, because they have to wear you down to make you compliant.
Sorry but he’s actively sabotaging you , either you tell him next time you say that I am dumping you. Or end things now
He’s not just being self centered he wants to control you
Leave this dick.
You disclosed an ED to him and he is either at best a fucking moron or at worse an absolute piece of shit.
Even if we play on the idea that this was a kink to him, kinks are discussed before sex with everyone on the same playing field. Not while he is inside you. He is living his best life on your ticket.
Seriously girl, you’re dating a gas station hot dog when you deserve filet minion. Dump his ass because you are worth so much more.
Dont date sociopaths or children in adult bodies who are functionally sociopaths. Im sorry this dickhead did this to you, but get the fuck outta there. Wont acknowledge hes wrong and wont apologize? Thats a weak person with no character. Nobody needs a big little boy like that around.
Im sorry you relapsed as a result of this. You didnt deserve this. He is in the wrong and a solid dumping oughta teach him that.
Your bf is an inconsiderate dick who deserves to be alone.
Have some self respect for yourself and leave that ass immediately no matter how many times he apologizes.
Your bf is an inconsiderate dick who deserves to be alone.
Have some self respect for yourself and leave that ass immediately no matter how many times he apologizes.
>The thing that really hurts is that he never sees his mistakes. He never apologises and always thinks he’s right.
Dump the boyfriend. This is a matter of your health, physically and mentally.
I wouldn’t share my body with ANYONE who calls me fat. Period.
Does he live with you? If yes then I’d ask him to go home/move out so that he gets some time to reflect on his mistakes. No one should take you for granted – life’s too short for that.
What the fuck. There’s no way he *forgot* about you telling him you’d struggled with an ED. That’s not the kind of thing you forget when someone mentions it.
There’s no way he doesn’t know it’s just generally a horrible thing to say to any person you’re having sex with without prior discussion of kinks/boundaries, especially to someone who suffered from an ED. But even if you didn’t have the ED history like… come on. That’s just common sense not to say that.
I don’t want to alarm you but given how serious EDs are, it doesn’t really matter if he has some excuse or not. He’s clearly not good for your health. I could see maybe forgiving a slip of the tongue if he apologized and appeared to care, but it seems obvious you’re upset/struggling and he doesn’t seem to care so he doesn’t seem very thoughtful or like a good partner in general. I don’t usually like to jump on the “dump them!” train on Reddit but in this case I really think you should consider being with him a serious health risk.
I hate when the first solution on Reddit is always “dump them” but in this case I can’t even imagine another option. It’s like he took your most vulnerable part of you and fucked with it and is now showing no remorse.
I’m so sorry OP, my ex tried that crap on me.
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He knew i’d had issues with an eating disorder in the past and i was just about at the lower end of an acceptable weight. He said to me that ”i think women look better when they’re a bit underweight, it looks better”.
He knew i’d only just got to an okay weight – he did it deliberately, and he screwed with my confidence in other nasty little ways as well.
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OP; if you look back over his behaviour and other comments he’s made – has there been anything else that’s made you feel bad and like you aren’t good enough?
Has he been deliberately chipping away at your self esteem and making it so you feel too crappy to leave him and find someone better?
has he made you feel worthless and that you have to walk on eggshells, and that you don’t really know whether he genuinely likes you for you or not?
Does he genuinely listen when you speak and treat you with respect.. like an equal?
His follow up was really poor and really comes down to his immaturity. I really feel for you and if you have some one to go to so that you don’t relapse I would strongly urge to reach out to them. Your long term health is not worth a guy that you probably won’t even be with a few years down the road.
You mean your ex-boyfriend.
This is not ok and you don’t need someone who is going to demean you
Oh god lord lady, run. Just run. He’s clearly too emotionally immature to even see at how his words affects others. Trust me, there’s no good reason to stay. There’s much better people out there that don’t have their heads up their asses.
Break up now.
To call someone fat…let alone his gf, let alone during sex, let alone after she disclosed her past ED…I mean, doesn’t seem like this guy is looking out for your feelings and well being.
Bin him immediately.
A person who never apologises for or reflects on their mistakes is a bad partner. In this case he’s done something awful enough that there’s no way out of that clarity, but it’s going to keep being true as long as he keeps making it true, and it sounds like he has no interest in changing.
Hi ! Friend in recovery here, wanted to let you know it’s okay to have a lapse, recovery is not linear, and it’s completely understandable why you would resort to your old behaviors to cope with something like this. what he said honestly has no excuse and if you want to continue to be in a relationship with him, i would definitely educate him further on eating disorder recovery and if financially possible, see an eating disorder family therapist. Comments like this will only endanger your recovery and put you in a worse spot. It’s so so important to have your loved ones supportive and understanding of your recovery
That’s not a you thing. That’s a him thing. He’s not even close to good enough for you. Dump his ass and find someone that appreciates how lucky they are to be with you.
You mean your ex boyfriend?
Jesus christ, get out of there. Like, seriously.
I don’t have an eating disorder but I’ve been in a few relationships and can tell you this. You do not like the person your boyfriend is, even outside of this situation. He’s inconsiderate, has no self awareness, and has no empathy. These are things you cannot change about a person. It is fundamentally who they are and that will never change (unless they acknowledge it’s behavior they really don’t like and work a LONG time to change). But he doesn’t seem to think he’s doing anything wrong.
GET. OUT. Find someone who respects you enough to not make flat out insulting comments to you during sex. Find someone who appreciates you, and has the wherewithal to acknowledge when they have done wrong, and are apologetic and attempt to make you feel better afterwards. Not someone who always thinks they’re right and has no consideration for your feelings.
This isn’t someone you want to be with. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together…
He sounds great ncredibly narcissistic and entitled by lack of concern or apology … hope you are doing better
Dump him now.
That’s not a boyfriend, that’s an ex.
He totally knew what he was doing. Saying that to someone with an ED is psychologically abusive. He’s a dick. And it’s gross that he got off on hurting you. Calling you fat is what excited him, IMO. Please take out the trash. You deserve so much better.
He Has issues! Not you. He does
Oh man, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope that you’re participating in lots of nurturing self care right now. Whatever decision you do make, can wait until you’ve levelled off.
Fat is a very loaded word in general, but for women especially it has serious connotations. Some people find fat beautiful or have it as a kink etc which is great, but in this instance it feels like it was used in a harmful way. Especially given your prior conversations and your openness about having an eating disorder.
It’s strange that he was more concerned about you rejecting him, and made some weird comment about faking it rather than taking responsibility for his behaviour and taking the time to understand your perspective and feelings.
I’m usually an advocate for communication and compassion, but in this instance I think it’s time to move on. You’ll have the opportunity to be with someone who appreciates and respects you for who you are. Sex is very much about vulnerability, and that vulnerability is what bonds us. It is never to be taken advantage of. Sending love.
Definitely get out. My abusive ex-husband would always say he was “walking on eggshells” and made me out to be the unreasonable/abusive one because I didn’t want him to call me names. Turning himself into the victim is a huge red flag. You can do this, he’s not worth it. Taking care of yourself needs to come first. <3
I need you to understand this is the equivalent of an intimate partner telling a person with crippling trauma that their wounds are “hot”. You are with a person who is trivializing your deepest struggle and toying with the severe fragility anyone with this type of disorder has. Your boyfriend needs to encourage your healing in a respectful and compassionate manner, not push you towards relapse. Please, love yourself enough to leave this person. ❤️
First of all, congratulations on your 6 months of win. I don’t have an ED, but I know that like many other problems this is a day-by-day struggle. A lot of things can be triggering. 6 months is A LOT. Relapsing can happen and doesn’t mean your self-improvement is gone.
You must seek those who were your support group at the beginning of those 6 months. Please seek a therapist so you can work on your triggers. That being said, your triggers aren’t your fault and from what I understood you’re doing the best you can. So don’t blame yourself for anything. I’m sending hugs, please remember that you are worth way better than this guy is giving to you. His behavior isn’t correct even if you didn’t have an ED. And he didn’t forget because that’s not something people forget.
He probably was amazing and lovable at the beginning and was all you needed. Now he’s using your struggles against you. Please leave him. This isn’t something that can be talked about and fixed between you two. He made himself a victim by saying you rejected him. He’s showing narcissistic behavior and that’s very dangerous for you. He needs to treat that on his own. That makes him way more dangerous for your journey. There’s a reason why AA suggests not dating at the beginning of the recovery. You need to stand for yourself.
Please seek therapy to understand that nothing of this is your fault, you’re better alone healing, and your journey can continue. Sending you lots of hugs and good energies so you can keep strong!
Please don’t waste your energy trying to fix this situation with him or him. Focus on you.
Edit: typo
That’s negging and the hurt is always intended. He wants to hurt your confidence. He wants you to think you are incredibly flawed and he is amazing because he loves you anyway.
This guy is not the guy for you.
Time for a new boyfriend
There is a lot to think about in this post, but as a sidebar, be very wary of people who never apologize. Its a “tell”, as we say in poker.
“but maybe he didn’t remember?”
i stopped reading at this point. you need to hear something:
you lack self-worth, fail to recognize your value, and are willing to allow your lack of confidence to afford others the benefit of the doubt, even when they’re very obviously being inconsiderate or cruel.
it’s okay to love yourself more, and treat yourself better than this. you should. starting with putting your foot down, and making the personal choice: “do i feel this person adds value to my life, so i’ll try to demand better of them and see where this goes?” or “i’m done allowing people in my life who dont respect me the way i deserve.”
Tell him to gtfo 😅
This had to be malicious, or he lacks cognitive empathy. Either way you should get away.
There’s no other explanation, think about it. I know you are and you literally can’t come up with another because it makes absolutely no sense unless you take that perspective.
The thing about the cognitive empathy is this: even if he can’t understand, if he cared, he would listen and apologize.
This may sound foreign at the moment, but it took me a really long time to learn this: Don’t be vulnerable around people who can’t be trusted with that vulnerability.
Kick him to the curb!
Oof. RUNNNNN
My question is why are you even dating this weirdo? Based on what I and many others have read he doesn’t give a damn about your feelings at all. It’s all about him but bit about HOW YOU FEEL. It’s ridiculous and he needs to grow up
I am currently dating someone with a severe life threatening ED. To think that you are in a relationship with someone who would say something like that to you after having been told about your struggle is disgusting.
You mention that, if you are “important to him then he would have remembered”, yes in an ideal relationship. But, let’s say we give him the benefit of a doubt that he simply forgot or just doesn’t understand the significance of your ED and how these statements effect you. He should STILL be open to hearing that he may have acted callously and should remorse at the very least and willingness to adjust his behaviour at best.
People are inherently fallible and we should try not to punish people for their initial mistakes, but judge them on how mature they respond when given the chance to apologise and reconcile.
In my experience with my partner who is successfully on the road to recovery, having a partner who is there for her and hyper aware of how her ED manifests in her everyday life is paramount.
You need someone who is in complete step with you and your disorder knowing that one wrong thing being said can cause a hospitalised level relapse.
Ask yourself, is he the man who will do this for you?
Girl, throw the whole man out. There’s 7 billion people(?) On this planet. You can find someone who appreciates all of you.