What advice would you give for dating someone with kids from a previous relationship?

43 comments

  2. do not jump into meeting the kid(s) straight away, even if she/he wants you to. You have to take time with that. Make sure you realise that especially younger kids can see you as more than just Mum’s boyfriend and always be mindful of how the kids will feel.

  4. Tried it once, didn’t work, never again.

    It wasn’t a bad experience, but on some level I’ve always known that I don’t want kids. But people told me that I’d change my mind someday, and I believed them. By dating a single mother, I learned that I’d *never* change my mind, and that was an important lesson that I’m glad I learned. I got a vasectomy shortly after the breakup, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

    The bottom line is that being childfree is the right life for me, and the childfree life includes not dating people with kids from previous relationships.

  5. You have to let her lead the relationship with her kids.

    You have to be more flexible, shit’s gonna come up and you’re not her top priority. Not even close.

    Be open to including them, be open to developing a relationship with them, if she gives you the green light. If she keeps you separate from them, don’t push it. She’s protecting them.

    But supportive, not intrusive, and not demanding.

  6. You will never be more important or even equal to their children in their eyes.

    It’s a hassle to take any kind of parenting role with kids that you may have no affinity with. Difficult to navigate, impossible to perfect.

  8. Don’t. Been there/done that.

    Unless you’re ready 100 percent to step in as a father for life. Like you’re best friends with the woman and have been in love with her for 10 years and she is now in love with you.

    But if you’re just starting out? Not worth it

    Every serious fight feels like you got extra pressure to swallow it because of tel he “kids”. Then if you don’t make it, breaking up is gut wrenching. You will come to love the kids and then their mom goes and does some stupid shit or you’re not compatible and then you got to ditch the kids who look up to you too?

  9. My girlfriend of five years has an eight year old. Her sons father is heavily involved in parenting with her. She has custody about halftime right now.

    The main thing I would advise is don’t try to be a parent to them. Your partner is the parent. Go about your business, take up space and allow for the space they need to take to be taken. Don’t get involved when discipline needs to happen. Keep your eyes peeled for anything your partner might want to know is going on. And just be nice. You don’t need to talk down to them. Just talk to them like people and make sure that you are giving her the adult time she needs to disconnect from being mom all day.

  10. Wait until things are serious before meeting the kids. If a commitment isn’t on the table, it’s too soon.

    If the babydaddy is still in the picture, treat him with
    deference, even if he’s a total chode. Arguing with him is mom’s job. Give her your support, but let her fight her own battles.

    If the babydaddy *isn’t* in the picture and the kids are fairly young, be ready for them to glom on to you as a father figure. That’s something that should not be taken lightly.

    Don’t come in and start trying to fix the kids or lay down the law. Maybe their mom made different decisions raising them than you would have, but they’re her kids to screw up. Ideally, you’ll be with a woman whose parenting philosophy is in line with yours. If not, it’s a sure sign that the two of you are not compatible long-term.

    Never forget that you’re signing up for a package deal. If things aren’t working with the kids, they’re not going to work with the mom. A good mother will consider it a deal breaker if you can’t get along with the rugrats. She’s always going to put the kids first and you have to be okay with that. A bad mother isn’t someone you want to hitch your wagon to.

  11. There’s a plethora of things that you can be told, but I’ve found the one that matters the most is if the father is still in the picture (in any capacity), are you going to be able to handle that? Any woman I date goes into it know that because I have a kid, until she dies she will never be fully out of my life. Even though there is absolutely nothing romantic about it, I’m maybe two steps above being polite at most, there is a surprisingly high number of women that would take an issue with that even though they won’t admit it. Men are the same way, we’ll never admit to it but knowing her old guy is still in her life will irk quite a few.

  12. Just focus on your relationship with your gf. Hold off on meeting the kid for a bit. When you finally do meet the kid just be friendly. Don’t instantly jump in and be the father, you gotta work your way into that role. Don’t ever expect her to put you before her kid. Her kid is the #1 priority always and you have to be okay with that.

  13. Always assume plans with them will fall through last minute and you won’t be regularly disappointed then. You will always be second priority over their kids and kids come with daily uncertainties… sick, no babysitter, baby daddy being an ass, sports tournament extra games…the list goes on forever.

    Also don’t allow them to introduce you to the kids until at least 3 months dating (preferred 6 months). It’s not healthy for the kids to meet all these guys that odds aren’t won’t be there in a few months.

  15. Don’t do it unless you’re okay with not being her first priority.
    My partner has a kid. Sometimes, date night has to shift because parenting responsibilities.

  16. Whether you like it or not those kids will be apart of your life if you chose to be apart of their mother’s/father’s.

  17. I think I’ve had both signs of the coin. Dated a single mother who’s crazy marine ex was still in the picture, and dated another who’s ex OD’d on fentanyl earlier that year and neither relationship was pleasant. They still talk about their baby daddies. Naturally the child will always come first and at least in my experience these girls aren’t as responsible and a bit impulsive. You’d think it’d be the opposite too

  18. I think a lot depends on age of kids, the relationship, and other factors. I didn’t read all of the posts but, when I saw doom and gloom, I figured I would respond. We have a “blended family” to use the current terminology. All the kids are out in college now but, they all embraced the step parent in our situation. My son and daughter, both treat her as a parent, they call her for advice and do everything thing else I would consider normal parent/kid behavior. I ended up adopting my wife’s daughter and she doesn’t treat me any different than my own kids. I think a lot rides on the adults relationship. The kids can pick up on the emotions surrounding those relationships. As for advice, love them like their yours, be patient, and don’t force anything. Enjoy the opportunity to be a positive influence on a youngster. As long as you provide that, somewhere along the line they will appreciate you for providing that. Best of luck. This is coming from 15 years of experience.

  19. If it is any bit of a problem child at all, get out IMMEDIATELY!

    It will never get better. It will never get easier. Yank that ripcord ASAFP.

    This is the voice of experience. I can tell you the horror you are in for if you do not heed my advice.

  20. It’s exponentially harder. You eventually are expected to be a provider to those kids without being anything more than their parent’s partner.

    You will be hit with many injustices that you have no choice but to either suck up or leave. A lot of the things given to you in a conventional dating life are absent. And while rare, in the case of a separation and with some criteria met, you will be liable for those kids, which means child support in the case of separation.

  21. If the kids aren’t in HS I simply wouldn’t date the woman -nothing against the woman but it’s just too hard of a needle to thread with children that young.

    If the kids are older I would be nice and friendly but not have much of a relationship with them. If they want to engage with me that’s cool but I’m not proxy dad. Don’t get me wrong I like kids but I’ve been on the other side of the fence and as an older kid there wasn’t much the guy dating my mom could do to get on my good side so I’d try to be as in-disruptive as possible and let the kid make all the moves if they want a relationship with you. Let the relationship build over the course of years not weeks.

    This is where it gets really hard, if the kid wants to have a relationship with you, how do you handle it. I know a lot of guys slide into the proxy dad position and love the kids as much as the women that they are dating. The problem is what happens when the relationship ends, now you have kids that you love and they love you back but you are totally cut off from them -this isn’t good for anyone involved -which goes back to what I said above, for young kids I’d nope out and for older kids I let them make all the moves.

  22. I respect all the stepfathers and stepmothers out there that made the relationship work and also took in the kids as their own. And especially the ones who have to deal with toxic biological fathers/mothers.

    But personally I could never date someone who had kids. Because I want to be with someone that I’m seen as the 1st priority, and only when me and my partner have kids together do they become 1st priority for both of us. I could never take another woman’s child(ren) and make them my 1st priority. So there would be a contrast in our priorities in the relationship. She would be my 1st priority and her kids are hers. So it probably wouldn’t work out long term. But that’s just me being practical and honest. And that’s not me having a go at women who already have kids. Bless all of them. It’s just my preference when dating.

  23. Don’t get too attached to the kid and look at it as your daughter. You will end up missing them more than the ex.

    Certainly don’t get a puppy with her as well and then a few months later never see any one of them ever again. Never again

  24. It all depends of the person, their children, and the relationship with the other parent.

    I’ve dated several women with children and it was easy. They were great, kids nice, and no drama from other parent.

    I’ve also dated women who have mean/bad kids or lots of parent drama. It wasn’t worth my time or effort.

  25. Think of them like little friends that come with the deal. But also ask yourself if you have the patience to put up with them being a priority.

  26. I would say don’t do it if you don’t have kids of your own. It’s hard. It’s not like dating someone without kids at all. You will never be first. If the dad is in the picture? Depending on their relationship you’ll probably become his shadow. if he’s not? You may become an important priority but not number one. Seeing my friends with kids date men, they expect the new guy to take on some responsibilities the dad should (money wise), so there’s a chance she can rely on you for that unless she has that together. Relationships are already work, this type of relationship is way more challenging.

  28. Don’t be in a hurry to meet their kids. Wait until it’s more established. Probably around the time you’d meet the rest of her family. Kids shouldn’t see people you’re dating go in and out of their lives.

  29. you need to have long, hard talks with her about her strategy for raising them and your role in any discipline. it’s very likely that you won’t have a role, and never will. if that’s OK with you, cool, but you need to know the rules in the beginning.

  31. Not to do it at all.

    You were likely not going to be a priority for her even without a kid, with a kid you never will be.

    If things become serious you will be expected to act as a disciplinarian but she’ll undermine you because she has the final say.

    Baby daddy drama can flare up at anytime (see the murder of Chad Read).

  35. First I’d ask “are you absolutely sure you can’t land an acceptable woman who *doesn’t* have kids?” Because adding kids to the picture makes things way more complicated and introduces a lot more points of failure.

  37. Just don’t. You’ll have to deal with the the biological father. You’ll have to deal with the kids not accepting you as their father. Don’t compromise your future because a woman made a bad decision and who she bred with.

  38. My main advice would be to run 100 miles away from a relationship with someone who has children.

    However, if you’re already in one, it really depends on the relationship the ‘someone’ has with their ex. If there’s any bad feeling between them or they’ve recently split then forget it. If they had an amicable split and are civil to each other then maybe. I’d definitely want to know why they split and why they’re not together and it has to be better than “we grew apart”. I’d need good physical reasoning. Like why?

    I’ve known a lot of people in ‘blended’ families. Maybe even 10/20 instances. It is never amicable, it is always stressful and people always get hurt. It’s a constant fight.

  39. DON’T….It will make your life and your families… so difficult. They are not your children or your own familys kids. And likely NEVER WILL BE ! Success would be akin to winning the lottery !

  40. Looking at the statistics, you don’t have to worry about a life long relationship with her or the kids, its not very likely.

    So keep in the mental state of “this is FWB maybe with some additional fondness”.

    Its not like you need to hurry up and get married to have kids before its too late, LOL.

    If you roll up like “I will now live out my Disney Prince Charming movie everyone lives happily ever after daydream” except she also has some kids, well … that ain’t happening.

    That said, I spent some time with a single mom in my youth, it was nothing permanent, but we made life better for each other for a little while. I think that is a reasonable goal for a relationship with a single mom. Life will be better than if we were alone, but this isn’t a Brady Bunch TV show and its not going to be forever or even, in some senses, real.

    As for more practical advice, may as well meet the kids dad, they’re going to be playing you off against him sooner or later, and he’s going to be all involved in your lives as long as you’re with her, may as well get it over with. The odds of getting along, are rather low.

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