This is a throwaway because my significant other has a Reddit. Also, this is a long one.
As the title states I have been with my significant other (we’ll call him Joe) for 5 years. We currently have a 2yr old son. When I am away he is the primary care giver. I have a job that can keep me away for long periods of time (6-8months if not longer). During these times I know a person has needs ie masturbates. Because I am currently pregnant, I can be home for the duration of my pregnancy and have time after to bond with my child. When I am home we have what I believe to be a healthy sex life. Typically 3 times a week but with a toddler and my pregnancy it can vary.
In the past we used to shower together every day. It had stopped because of how narrow it can be in the shower with a full belly. Also, he wanted to give me space for my things. I like to have my skincare line and hair things organized to make my morning more efficient. I noticed some of his showers were longer than others. I of course took notice but chocked it up to maybe just enjoying the water or whatever.
We both have access to each other’s phones. It’s never been an issue. He’s free to use mine and vice versa. My son was playing on my phone so I grabbed joes phone and open Reddit the app and was trying to read the news. I do this daily because I like to know what the hell goes on in my country. I accidentally swiped to the right one too many times and it showed his search history. It was all this porn. I was sitting right next to him and I just was taken aback. It was all porn but the search was just of women completely different than what I looks like. I confronted him and he was honest. I’ve never had an issue with masturbation. Maybe it’s my insecurities or hormones but the type of porn I was just hurt. (Biker chicks, or tattooed gothic or emo) I have tattoos but I’m not that esthetic. I was honest with my Joe. I had no problem with him masturbating because sometimes it’s hard for me but I couldn’t get over the porn. I know in my state I just am simply too tired or in pain sometimes. In the end of the conversation I think seeing me hurt he made a few changes. We started showering together again and he said he would stop watching porn. I did not ask him to do these things. I never asked him further.
Fast forward to a couple days ago and we’re sitting outside. I left my phone on the couch. I asked to borrow his because I was making a recipe that was new. This was again right in front of him. There was no snooping. I opened the google search engine and his google has previously searched things as soon as you touch the search engine bar. It had Chaturbate. I didn’t think too much of it but then it dawned on me this sounds like masturbate. I asked him and he said he didn’t know and quickly changed the subject. I dropped it at that moment and after my son was asleep I then googled it on my phone. It’s a website to chat with someone webcam porn. I then confronted him and asked him if he had watched porn. He said yes and was very up front. We had a couple days of not having relations before but again we are sleep deprived and I’m the size of an elephant. We were still showering together. As I thought of it by process of elimination the only spare time was my sons nap time. If I get home from work early, I also nap at this time. So then he decided to watch porn while my son and i were sleeping. I felt even more betrayed. The porn,the timing and the lying.
I never asked Joe to do any of the things he volunteered do. Now I’m at a loss. I feel betrayed, hurt, and just every ounce of intimacy is gone. He knows I’m hurt and I haven’t brought it up. I don’t know what to do. Sex is only going to become less frequent and because of this I have zero desire now to have him touch me. It feels like a lie. I’m constantly asking myself things like: Do I have to accept porn? Is masturbating not enough? Do men need porn? Should I just ignore these feelings? Is a webcam site considered a form of cheating? I just don’t know.
Any advice is appreciated
TLDR: partner watches porn behind my back and am confused about how to feel.
6 comments
Watching porn is so normal, I wouldn’t worry about it. The chaturbate stuff is a bit more tricky, as he’d be talking directly to them in a sexual context so this leans more towards cheating
It’s just PORN! Most people watch it, not just men. It helps them get their O. I don’t see what the big deal is whatsoever. That’s his personal time to spend how he pleases. No, it isn’t cheating.
While it is alarming with the chaturbate thing as those are camgirls and no one would approach those kind of women for any real personal relationships. It’s the equivalent of personally interacting with random porn stars just once then move on. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. From how you describe it, he just sounds like he has a normal interest in porn. He more than likely still love you a lot.
The Chat site is the really dubious part here. Porn (even wierd searches) is generally just a stimulus (not saying porn can’t be a boundary in a relationship), but the chat masturbation is interactive and that creates levels of meaning beyond simple stimulus, it’s tantamount to mutual masturbation. I would be seriously questioning my relationship if my partner was actively masturbating with random people on the internet.
A grown man can’t watch porn? You seem to be the problem here not Joe. When else is he supposed to jack himself off? When you and the baby are awake in the next room over? Lol
I get chaterbate pop up’s a lot when watching regular porn I don’t know if he said he was actually on chaterbate but it could just be a pop up from regular porn. He shouldn’t have lied to you but he probably should try to balance his own needs with your ie your sex life with his own independent sex life. But you can’t really be mad at him to masterbating to weird things guys get curious especially when they have more experience with the same kind of arousal and are curious about new things. Some guys masterbate to some really weird stuff just be glad it isn’t that