How to stop being a people pleaser and not become an asshole at the same time?

10 comments

1. Both can seem disingenuous. When dealing with people, be true to your core values and your actions will seem more congruent. It’s okay if you’re not perfectly in the middle of that spectrum as long as people don’t see you as being inconsistent or, worse, hypocritical.

2. I recommend this to folx all the time https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

3. When you’re a people pleaser, you’re willingly giving up your values, assuming it’ll grant you acceptance from others. When you turn 180 and start acting like an asshole, you’re still acting on assumption that others WANT you to give up your values, but you’re fighting them, based on that assumption. Keep in mind, that it’s not the norm for people to want to pressure you to give up your ideas, identity and opinions to get along. You don’t have to expect that it’s a requirement everyone has. And if they do, stay the fuck away from them.

4. Honestly, is being an asshole, in your opinion, setting boundaries and saying no?

5. Shift of mindset. At my job for example (software development) in general I don’t like people pleasers that much.

   Just nodding yes and agreeing with my awesome ideas isn’t helpful. You should strive as a team for the best outcome and that means you have to be critical and question things so you debate about it and either the vision changes or people get more educated to understand the why behind the choices.

   You have to understand that pleasing isn’t always the same as being helpful. If you have a kid that keeps asking for candy and unhealthy food, you can instantly please them by giving it but in the long run they might become fat or obese and you weren’t helpful.

   Being helpful is good but isn’t always pleasant to do.

6. People pleasing and the complete opposite is both actions derived from same mentality. That mentality is a needy mentality where you think “how do i get people to like me?”. Instead you should focus on “what is me, what do i feel about this, i am valid”. Because, the needy mentality is derived from the belief that youre not good enough, hence having to figure out ways to be. With that basis of thinking, everything after that becomes wrong despite your best intention and effort. You have to;
   1. Believe you’re good enough (because you are😊)
   2. Know who you are (no need to be perfect)
   3. Go back to how you feel (instead of going to the needy mentality)
   Because how you feel is you. If you dont like a person or what they say, that is how you feel, and thats nothing else but fine. You dont need to put on an act, but no need to be rude either. You can for example exit the conversation or go away. The important thing is to not lose touch with the ground. Because you tend to fly when you lose control to the people pleasing. Stay grounded, stay you, its okay and youre good enough.

   I wish you well being friend 😌

7. Its finding the middle ground. Friendly and cool is a good way to think about it

   Friendly = kind and pleasant

   Cool = free from “excessive” emotion, excitement or anxiety

   I love that definition of cool!

   Only do what you need to do and no more, like only laugh or smile when somethings funny and stop trying to over help people, help yourself!

8. Simple answer: by minding your own goddamn business

9. In my own experience. I struggled with this because as someone with social anxiety, we see the world in such a black and white way sometimes.

   Like I would either be a people pleaser. Then I would get upset at myself for being a people pleaser. So I would kinda look out for ways to kinda impose myself. Not necessarily looking for arguments, but trying to prove to myself that I’m not a people pleaser by disagreeing with people, talking down on others in my mind.

   Which is just as bad and unnatural as being a people pleaser. Kindness is not a weakness, unless it’s fake kindness that you put on to try to impress others and stay out of their way. Holding your ground is not a weakness either. Unless your purposefully doing it to show yourself how “confident” and careless you are.

   I think with social anxiety, your always kinda acting. It’s difficult to truly be yourself since you can’t just tell your brain to relax or to stop caring so much. On the other hand it is possible to put on an act. You can force yourself to act a certain way, whether that’s people pleasing, faking confidence, anti- people pleasing, etc.

   Think about it with your friends, family ,or people your truly comfortable with, do you try to please them excessively? Do you try to put them down? For me with my friends, I’m just more of myself. I laugh when I want to, Ill tell them they’re wrong if I think they are. There’s nothing I’m forcing myself to do, it’s just natural.

10. if someone treats you in a way you wouldn’t treat other people, or asks you for things you wouldn’t ask people for, then you have every right to only think about yourself and your comfort zone. and that’s not being selfish.