My (F23) husband (M23) and I have been married for 5 months now and together for 2 years next month. Before we got married there were 2 instances where I found pornographic photos and sexting on his phone as well as flirtatious and overly friendly messages. He swore it would never happen again and gave me a speech before our wedding that his vows to God and myself are true and he is going to remain faithful to me as a husband. Recently he started acting shady again and his phone password was changed. I got the password and accidentally saw that he was on another Snapchat talking to women again when I went to share a photo from his phone and saw the Siri suggestions for who to share it with. Then I went through his photos and found a ton of deleted pornographic photos/videos including himself that he says were old and he deleted to start fresh after he told me a few days before I found anything that he was looking at porn and was going to stop out of respect for me. He also admitted to talking to some woman in a more than friendly way, but not in a flirtatious way so he was emotionally cheating on me in that aspect. I decided that I was done listening to his lies today after I found what I did on his phone and he has been apologetic and asking me to forgive him and saying he wants to save our marriage. I told him the only way to MAYBE fix things is if we go to a marriage counselor and the only reason I’m with him still is because we have a 4 month old daughter. I need advice on if it will be worth it to get counseling or if everything is too far gone and I should start processing a divorce.
37 comments
If he cheated twice why do you think he won’t a 3rd time?
He’s cheating within the first year of marriage? No. Seek legal advice to protect you and your daughter. Don’t waste your life on this loser.
Fool you once, shame in him
Fool you twice, shame on you.
Fool you *THREE TIMES*, what the hell are you doing?
My mom always told me that sometimes cheaters cheat once, see the look on your face and can never ever do it again, or they get so good at hiding it they make you feel that way.
If they’ve cheated before, and they’re crap at hiding it they don’t care, you’ve taken him back once, married him and had a baby with him. At this point he thinks he’s home free and you’re stuck, because that’s what normally happens. Financially stuck, emotionally stuck due to wanting a family, just freaking stuck. I mean you’ve caught him how many times? I don’t think he cares if you find out at this point, what’s the ramifications? You’re mad for a bit, bring it up here and there but still go ahead and marry him? It’ll just keep happening, especially if you keep letting it. Get rid of him.
If it’s in consideration already, counseling couldn’t hurt to try. If anything it’ll give you a better understanding of him and what your best decision going forward should be. Regardless I’d contact a lawyer about an annulment and what it would look like for you two to go through with. Your daughter definitely needs a male figure, but she needs a good example of what a man is supposed to be, and your husband unfortunately does not seem to be that man.
If you keep letting him get away with it he’ll keep doing it. Staying together for the children is the worst excuse because a single parent household will always be healthier than a broken bitter relationship being held together out of misplaced obligation. It just shows children the worst examples of what a relationship should be.
Honestly, you guys have been together for 2 years and he’s already cheated and been so shady. Having a kid didn’t change it for him apparently and at this point in his life I doubt he’ll change. And if you keep taking him back it’ll just create the expectation in his mind that you won’t leAve no matter what. It’s better to leave now before you’ve spent even more time with a cheating loser, your daughter is an infant so if you guys break up while she is still a baby it’s be the best.
Well that’s on u for taking a cheater back. U forgiving him just showed him he can do it again. Get some self respect and leave
Don’t go to marriage counseling. He needs to go to individual counseling and fix whatever is wrong with himself. Once that is done, then you go to marriage counseling. All you will do in marriage counseling is drag the baggage you came with in there and leave with the same baggage.
He cheated twice. TWICE. Already… girl I know you have a 4 month old but DIVORCE HIM. He will not change just because he promises you he will.
He is never going to change. It doesn’t matter if you go to a marriage counselor. You are both in your early 20s and have barely been married.
Just divorce and move on.
There is a book you both may want to read: *After the Affair*, by Janis Spring. Spring is a marriage counselor who wrote the book for people dealing with an affair — both the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner — as well as people supporting them, or affected family members (like adult children trying to figure out their cheating parents).
The book not only talks about the emotions surrounding discovery of infidelity, and the reasons why the unfaithful person may pursue an affair, but it also talks about ways to rebuild trust and intimacy in the relationship. This only works if both partners genuinely want to make the relationship work, and the unfaithful partner is genuinely contrite over what happened.
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Spring talks about two things which are involved in rebuilding trust and intimacy:
* **Low-cost behaviors** are things which both parties in the relationship do. It may be things like kissing each other good morning, or asking how the work day went. These are connections that a functioning couple should be doing, anyway. But a couple dealing with infidelity may have fallen into taking each other for granted, and not put the effort in to keeping the connection of the relationship alive. Low-cost behaviors aim to remedy that.
* **High-cost behaviors** are things which only the unfaithful partner must do. Generally speaking, these behaviors are defined by the hurt partner. The goal is not to punish the unfaithful partner (more on that, below), but to have the unfaithful partner demonstrate sincerity about wanting to work on the relationship by making some sort of sacrifice (hence the “high-cost” part). For instance, someone who had an affair with a coworker may be asked to switch working locations, or switch jobs.
One story in the book was about a couple who lived in a small village, and the hurt partner felt that everyone knew what happened, and was embarrassed; the high-cost behavior the hurt partner asked for was that the unfaithful partner agree that they would move to a different town or village, where they were not known, so they could start fresh.
Another story was a wife who discovered that all of the marriage assets were solely in her husband’s name. All the bank accounts, all the property, all the vehicles, all investments. Part of what frightened her when she discovered the affair was that she might be left with nothing. So her high-cost behavior was that he had to transfer half of the assets into her name. As long as they stayed marriage, it wouldn’t change anything; but if he had another affair, she could walk away with half of the assets, guaranteed.
In your case, your husband’s initial infidelity did not come with any high-cost behaviors. What you said happened was,
>He swore it would never happen again and gave me a speech before our wedding that his vows to God and myself are true and he is going to remain faithful to me as a husband.
While you could claim the speech was a high-cost behavior, it clearly didn’t deter him. It likely wasn’t a sacrifice for him to say such things.
Let’s get back to the notion of punishment. It is very easy to think that your husband needs to be punished. Unfortunately, it would probably only make things worse; why would someone be faithful to a punishing spouse? That’s more likely to be a reason to *start* an affair, not avoid one.
What Spring advocates is an understanding of forgiveness. She says that forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget — you will never forget — but that you choose to waive punishment for your husband’s transgressions. In other words, you agree not to bring it up in an argument, or to embarrass him in front of his friends or coworkers. You relinquish that weapon.
Then, you and he would both agree to work on the low-cost behaviors, and he would agree to the high-cost behaviors you define: Again, not ones to punish him, but to ensure he really is committed to the marriage.
Defining the high-cost behaviors can be tricky; I recommend you read the book, or talk with a marriage counselor about this.
Now, having said all that…**YOU** are the one who gets to decide if you even want to try keeping the marriage going. You could certainly ask him, given his track record, why you should believe him. But you are the one who gets to decide if you want to try. If you don’t want to save the marriage, it doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. He is the unfaithful partner; he should expect consequences for his behavior.
You may want to think about what you know about him, whether or not integrity is a normal part of his life and this stuff is an outlier, or if doing what he wants without regard to anyone else is more his line. You are the one who knows him better than anyone here. If you decide he is worth giving this chance, then go for it…but do it with marriage counseling, and make sure the consequences are clearly defined.
He’s already cheated on you twice in less than 2 years. He’s going to keep doing it if you keep giving him chances. I say lawyer up and divorce, staying just for the daughter is probably going to do more harm than good in the long run. You can start teaching her at an early age how to respect herself.
I don’t think counseling is even worth it at this point. He will just do it again. Best to just divorce him.. move on.
Haven’t even been halfway to a year and he cheated twice? I don’t care if you love this man to hell and back, this guy is going to be the worse thing in your life if you don’t leave him.
He did this before you were married and after again. This is who he is and wants to be. Marriage counseling isn’t going to help him.
He will only get better at hiding it….
He’s cheated on you multiple times in a *five month* period, with a new baby at home? He doesn’t seem very dedicated to his marriage from my pov. I hate to ask, but what kind of father has he been of he’s had time to fuck around with a newborn at home?
Is it late to get an annulment?
This is a pattern of behavior and it more than likely won’t change. Trust me from personal experience. It’s better to end things now then wait til you have kids or something and the relationship gets harder to break of. Or in 5-10 years when your lives are more intertwined it’ll be harder to leave.
I wasted 3 years and 18000$ trying wait for my wife to do better. At the end I just told her, “You can’t fool me a 17th time!” And had the police escort her out of my home
When she wanted to act like a terrorist. I showed her how I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Mine and my daughters life is so much better off for it.
My advice to anyone in these situations is always the same. You can forgive them once if you want. But if the EVER do it again, they were never sorry, only sorry they got caught.
Some one that’s sorry will stop what they are doing, make it up to you, and do whats best for both of yall, themselves, the first time, and they won’t do that shit again.
People can make mistakes, but it’s what they do about it after that matters, and the more times you forgive them, they more times they realize there’s never any real consequences for thier actions with you, and the more they do what ever the hell they want. Because they are selfish af.
You’ll never be happy but I understand staying stuck for the sake of your daughter but you are so so young. You are better if starting fresh now since you are still young and so is your daughter. Leave. Establish yourself. Raise your daughter. Key him get help and put strong boundaries. Porn is a serious addiction. But it’s not your job to cure him. He doesn’t respect you . Find someone who does.
He’ll keep cheating, people don’t change. All he’s doing is eliminating lies to tell you next time. You are so, so young. Unbelievably young. Cut your losses and find better.
Dump him
A good way to think about it is to consider your daughter: do you want her to marry a man like your husband? If you stay, this is the model marriage in her life.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Oh my god , no. Don’t bother with the counseling. Why did you get married at 23? Why did you bring a new human being into this world with this boy? What the fuck … take a step back, look in the mirror, and make some changes to better your life and your daughters. The male brain isn’t fully developed until 25 – he is NOT interested in being a dad or a husband.
Again? That’s the problem… They never change
You need to let him cheat in peace because all this snooping sounds stressful for both of you. That or leave but it doesn’t seem like you’re interested in that so idk wear a condom, cheat back or take your life back and leave up to you..
Just divorce. Your daughter is young and you two have time to work out co parenting. It’s better for her to see healthy relationships, and you will feel happier. I went down this road and left too late. It won’t get better.
I was in your situation. Married young, and the first time I found messages I hoped he was just immature and learned his lesson after the fact.
He never learned that lesson. I continued to find messages throughout our marriage. I confronted him, even bought a plane ticket back home the third time I found them. But he’d cry, assure me that he’d change, tell me he’s going to counseling. He never went.
I’m 26 now, and just moved back in with my folks after finding out he sent flowers to another woman. We’re getting a divorce. Please, please, please-don’t do what I did. He’s proven to you who he is. Believe what you see, and not what he tells you. Be well.
Once a cheater always a cheater.there is no excuse for it. Divorce him.
Anyone who cheats has no moral code. My ex who was Jehova Witness cheated on his wife because she cheated on him years ago. Supposedly because that’s how you “Free your partner for their wrong doings” . But, catch is he continued to cheat on her. Thought he could have something better and that girl used him like the fucked up person he is.
I got emotionally cheated on last week by my partner of 6 years. She sexted a guy she barely even knew on discord. She claimed it was because she was extremely horny and had a lapse in judgement begged for forgiveness. I gave in but she is also still somewhat friends with said person. I was so afraid of losing my best friends I just swept it under the rug and I’m trying to push past it. Not very healthy but idk what else to do. I’m sorry you are going through this but know you aren’t alone and I’m rooting for you
Cheaters never change, if they cheat on you once what would make you think you won’t do it again and again
Girl it’s only been 5 months. It’s time to throw the whole man away.
Girl. Y’all been together 5 months married. And only together for two years. That ain’t a mistake. *THATS A HABIT.*