Update: we talked, and she said she wants to prioritize her own mental health before focusing on our sex life, which is why she hasn’t prioritized it. I think this makes sense, she should prioritize herself, and i will support her, i just don’t really know what to do with myself in the meantime other than be supportive… she doesn’t want me to bring up sex anymore since it’s selfish of me to focus on that. she also was against couples/sex counseling for now, saying it would stress her out. She is becoming more aware of the stakes which is good.
TL;DR: After 6 years, me [24M] and my fiancé [24F] are facing a dead bedroom and disagreement about our future. Should I stick this through or end it? How do I handle this situation smoothly?
Me [24M] and my fiancé [24F] have been dating for over 6 years, and have been engaged for about 8 months. We met in high school, were sorta-long-distance throughout college (2 hour drive apart), then moved in together at the beginning of COVID near her university. After graduating we moved across the country to the west coast together for a great job opportunity I had, and have lived together here for about a year. We’ve been mainly supported by my income but she also found a nice part-time job she enjoys. In total we have lived together for about two years now. For the most part I have been very happy with our relationship, and I even proposed to her last November. However two main issues have become more prevalent recently, the first being our sex life and the second being our future aspirations.
(Disclaimer: Although the rest of this post may come across as harsh or negative, my fiancé is a beautiful and wonderful person, and our emerging incompatibility doesn’t negate that.)
First, our sex life. During college we were long distance, so while sex wasn’t as frequent as we would like we would have fun when we were together. When we finally moved in together it became clear my libido was higher than hers – I tend to prefer 3-4 times per week (every other day) while she seemed happy with once or twice per week. I accepted this at the time and was happy to be with her.
However it seems her libido has slowly gotten lower and lower. It started with her initiating less, and me needing to initiate more. I began to hear more frequent excuses for why she wasn’t into it that day, or just a blunt no. Weeks would sometimes go by without sex. Leading up until now, where it has been a full month without us having sex. It happened so gradually that it was difficult to notice, and I may have been in denial, but looking back I definitely feel less satisfied and more insecure than I used to regarding intimacy.
I have brought this up several times as a concern of mine. She often gets defensive, saying it hasn’t been that long, that I’m not entitled to sex (which, while true, doesn’t seem very empathetic), and that I just have to accept it. Sometimes she says her anxiety is bad (she has struggled with general anxiety since we met, but I haven’t seen any changes lately in her behavior other than reduced libido, and she doesn’t really share much about her anxiety to me). To help with her anxiety I have helped connect her with a therapist for the past few months. It’s a couple therapist, so I also requested that she discuss her anxiety’s impact on our sex life, but she hasn’t brought it up yet.
I’m understanding of how her mental health can impact her libido, and I know it takes patience. I’m okay with a temporary lapse in sex. More concerning to me is to see such little concern or effort on her part to improve our sex life. She seems totally fine with having sex once a month or less, and doesn’t express any desire to have sex more or try new things even when I try to talk with her about it.
Even if we do find a way to resolve these intimacy issues, I can’t get the idea out of my head that I’ve seen a glimpse into our future marriage, that future being a dead bedroom. I’ve always been aware of our libido differences, and nervous that they could diverge more. But after recent events I don’t have confidence that we’ll continue having healthy sexual relationship when we’re married, and that it will be a priority for her as much as it is for me. Even if I tell her I’m questioning our relationship and things improve, what happens next time there’s a lull in our sex life? As much as I love her, a dead bedroom is a deal breaker for me.
So that summarizes the emerging sex incompatibilities. The second issue, about our future, doesn’t require as much background. In the coming years I want to travel and see the world as much as i can while i’m young (my job allows me to become a “digital nomad” so i can do this while working), whereas my fiancé is more of a homebody and wants to buy a house, settle down, and start a family. I’ve asked her if she’d be interested in traveling with me more, but outside of the occasional week-or-two-long vacation she’s not interested. It would be a privilege to settle down with her but I’m afraid I would forever regret not taking this opportunity to travel around the world.
Both of these issues combined are causing me to consider breaking off the engagement.
What I am seeking advice on:
1. Are my concerns correct and does this seem worth breaking up over? Or do i need a reality check, to have more patience and put in more effort? Should we do couples/sex counseling even though we’re so young? Please let me know if I’m being a jerk.
2. How do i continue escalating conversations about these issues productively? (i’m afraid if I tell her i’m reconsidering the engagement it’ll cause a panic or lovebombing and she might change simply because she doesn’t want to lose me, and not because she cares about our sex life or her own wants/needs)
3. If we do need to break up, how do we do so while minimizing hurt since we live together and our nearest family is thousands of miles away? I’m not certain her income alone will be enough to support herself in our high CoL area, so she may need to move back home or figure something else out.
4. How do I cope with separating from somebody I love but don’t seem compatible with any longer? 🙁
40 comments
You’re not being a jerk and you should trust your instincts more.
This is someone you are deeply emotionally involved with so it’s hard to see the wood for the trees perhaps but you’re heading for a sexless marriage. The moment to leave is now and the person to consider the most is you. One of the most fundamental basis on which you got together with your fiance has gone. You are not someone she wants to be intimate with.
To be blunt, although I cannot know, it sounds like you’re the guy she’s “settling” for. Get out.
no you should stick it out so you can fight endlessly and be sexually frustrated so that the whole thing can add to the divorce stats
This is a classic “only person I’ve ever been with” scenario where you’ve come to a different place as adults.
My read on this is that it’ll get worse not better and these things will be a point of resentment for the both of you.
Take it for someone who was in a relationship too long: You. Do. Not. Need. To. Settle.
Go find great, the worst thing you can do is to go into marriage with things being no better, or possibly worse than “ok”. It’s tough to hear but you have to be selfish when choosing a life partner, and yes it will hurt her but it’s that or you wasting your life in a barely average relationship. You’re young enough to start over. Better is out there. For both of you.
If you’re happy for “just ok” in your partner and life together then go nuts.
Tough one. Because even if she starts having more sex now it’s because you asked her, not because she wants to. That’s no fun living that life. No one wants a unenthusiastic partner.
Never marry into a dead bedroom is the common advice given here. If she’s willing to work on it, then do so, but don’t resume any wedding planning until the problem has been sorted and stabilised for a good 2 years minimum, and she’s enthusiastic about having sex. If you get the idea she’s only having sex hoping it’ll get you to the altar, you can be sure the sex will stop as soon as she thinks you’re trapped.
If she’s not willing to work on the issue, (like she’s unwilling to talk about your sex life and her anxiety to the cpuples therapist), then perhaps she’s not seeing it as big an issue as you are and the relationship has run it’s course.
For the travel thing, take the opportunity to travel while you can. Being able to be a digital nomad is not something to take for granted, many countries have age restrictions on plenty of their visas (like working holidays), and it’s sure as hell not going to be easier to do when you have a mortgage and kids to raise. Even if you do go abroad with kids, it’s NOT going to be the same experiences as doing it without them, you won’t be exploring or hiking all day long and be allowed to be selfish with your wants and spontaneity. And being a digital nomad who’s staying in a country for a few months or a year is an incredibly different thing to just being a tourist on a 1 or 2week vacation. if you’re passionate about learning about different cultures and places and really getting to know a region and it’s locals (as opposed to just getting a new passport stamp and seeing the typical tourist stuff and little else) this isn’t an opportunity to snub at.
Dead bedroom aside, It sounds like you’re at completely incompatible life stages right now and whichever lifestyle you choose, it’s going to leave one of you resentful.
She’s also 24 and not studying, she should be having a full time job if owning a home ASAP and having kids are so important to her, it sounds like she’s gotten comfortable having you financially supporting her and isn’t willing to upend that arrangement.
All your concerns are valid and maybe you are no longer compatible
It sounds like you were never compatible in some areas and that’s becoming more obvious as time goes on
I think you will be suffocated being tied down to a house and kids if you never get to travel 1st
Also your partner will no doubt bump up the sex to conceive then after that won’t want any.
Especially after any baby is born.
All things to consider.
She might he a lovely person.
But do you want to live your life in a practically sexless marriage..??
You are not a match. Even IF you fixed the sex (visit r/Deadbedroom ) you will and should regret not having seen the world. You’re still so young. You said you have the option to become a Digital Nomad – take it! It’s an even better experience when young and single. Happy travels
✈️ 🧳 🌴🌴🌴🍹
Break up and go live a full, exciting life!
Marriage does not increase sex.
One random day I sat down with a female coworker who had been married for about 6 months. I hadn’t seen her in a while. So I asked ‘how are things going?”. I shouldn’t have. Her response was “It would be great if he would fuck me”. I had no words. I think she ended up getting an annulment instead of a divorce. Yes, she insisted that sex was good/available when they were dating.
Dead bedrooms don’t get better, especially when you add time and kids into the mix. It would be advantageous for all parties to call it quits since neither of you would be happy with the life the other party wants
You definitely should not get married if you’re not 100% sure. You can keep trying therapy or you can just end it. If you’re in couples therapy you don’t have to wait for your girlfriend to bring up the dead bedroom and her anxiety. You can bring it up yourself. The therapist can’t help you if she doesn’t know the problems.
End it. You are both only 24. Marriage should be something you both should be excited to be getting into not treated like a death sentence.
Sex is also a health issue so think about how that could impact you long term. I lived through a similar situation and after a few years I was depressed and couldn’t recognize myself.
I only saw how low I got when it finally ended and I, as a single dude, met other women.
My ex was and still is a fantastic person and I thought I could sacrifice this for her, but I was wrong. We’re still friends, I’m feeling a lot better now.
First, you do present this kindly and not harsh at all (coming from a woman). You have been really thoughtful here. It sounds like you truly love your partner, but it isn’t a romantic, life building love. You two have been together through your young, transformative years, and now when you look at your adult life and future, she doesn’t match up with what you want.
If you want a partner who will travel and she won’t, that isn’t great. There are ways around it, but if what she wants is counter, it makes that difficult. She wants a home and a family, which would make it harder for you to travel, even if both of you were okay with you traveling solo. Then there is the issue of income, in that if you are breadwinner, you have to support a household on your salary, which also prevents you from doing the things you want.
The sex thing is concerning. First, sex is important to you and you and your partner have vastly different sexual needs right now. To me, that is a deal breaker; no one is wrong for that of course but matching libidos are important, especially starting out, because it isn’t going to get better as you get older.
The most concerning thing about the sex issue is how she is handling it. She is trying to convince you that you are wrong and telling you that you aren’t “entitled” to it is remarkably manipulative and a serious red flag. Of course you aren’t entitled to sex on demand, but in a romantic relationship you two should be able to talk about your desires and try and match them up. Can you imagine telling your “you aren’t entitled to hugs”? I mean, it is technically true, but it is cold and dismissive. I think you should end things based on this issue alone.
> She often gets defensive, saying it hasn’t been that long, that I’m not entitled to sex (which, while true, doesn’t seem very empathetic), and that I just have to accept it.
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Yes you’re not entitled to it, but you do not have to accept it. if it becomes apparent that your sexual needs have become so incredible different that you’re not satisfied anymore, and she is unwilling to compromize or find out why her libido has gone down, then you can simply reevaluate your future with her.
having a compatible sex life is very important because if one partner has to do 100% of compromizing then resentment will grow and the marriage won’t be happy.
I would suggest that you maybe pospone any wedding and go get couples therapy to find out if you find common ground or not.
Sex lives don’t improve as the monotony of marriage drones on and you introduce stressors like kids. If you’re not happy with your sex life before marriage you’re going to hate it after marriage because it won’t improve and will likely get worse.
I think you nee to have a CTJ talk with her. Some time when you both have time, but not right after sex or after you asked for it. A calm time and say you guys need to talk. And just lay it out – you’re not happy with your sex life and you’re really not happy with her attitude about your feelings. You being unsatisfied in your sex life is a RELATIONSHIP problem and she needs to help you fix it. This isn’t you saying that she has to have sex as much as you want – but her telling you to just deal with it and only have sex when she wants it is not ok. It’s shinning a light that she doesn’t care about your wants and needs and a partner that doesn’t care about your wants or needs isn’t a partner at all.
If you can manage it – if you guys break up I would offer to pay for her flight home if she doesn’t want to make a go of it where you are living by herself.
It is not at all unusual that the person you got into a relationship with in your teens, is no longer compatible once you both fully mature in your mid twenties. Neither of you are the same person anymore as the teen you used to be when things started. As you each mature into your fully formed selves, any cracks in compatibility become far more noticeable and sometimes become dealbreakers. The common mistake people make is ignoring these dealbreakers and marrying anyway because that’s all they’ve known, or sunk cost fallacy, or delusional thinking that marriage will improve things. It will not. It will only intensify problems to an order of magnitude that eventually leads to divorce. Unfortunately, by then, there’s often children that get caught in the cross fire and suffer for their parents poor decisions. The best thing you can do for her, and yourself, is save you both the future divorce, and break up now. Now is the time to live your life vigorously and do all the things that are important to you, because once you do add kids to the mix, your priority has to be them. Now is the time for your priority to be yourself. Live your dreams. Fulfill your goals. Tomorrow isn’t promised, so live your life fully, doing all the things that are important to you. You’ll find the right and compatible partner along the way, probably doing those same things you want to do. Yes, breaking up is hard, and painful. But sometimes, it’s still necessary, and truly the best and kindest decision, long term. It doesn’t have to be ugly. You can show care and compassion throughout it. But if it needs to happen, then it needs to happen.
Everyone here has given good advice, but I don’t see this question as of when I’m posting:
Is she actually satisfied during sex?
Because it’s all well and good if you want it 4x per week and you’re getting off every time and she… maybe?… is as well. But if she’s not feeling fulfilled or romanced, she may be losing interest. The fact that you’ve only been with her made me wonder about this as well. You’ve written paragraphs about her sex drive, but not about her sexual satisfaction.
The relationship lasted this long because you both had distractions along the way and were still growing up. Now that your main focus is your relationship and live together it’s inevitable to see the differences. You may love her but clearly the both of you are no longer compatible. If I were you I would end the engagement. If you don’t and things get worse you’ll just end up resenting each other. My friend was in a similar situation she had dated her bf all high school/college and got engaged as well. She started noticing they were very different and couldn’t really find common ground without the other feeling resentful. She eventually decided to break up. They’re now happily married to their partners and my friend says it was the best decision. Maybe I’m being biased due to my friend’s experience but idk something to consider
One thing gave me a chuckle, how does she plan on starting a family without sex?
Seriously, you guys are young and have different goals. You’re going to resent her if she forces you to give up your goal of traveling. You already resent her for the dead bedroom. Do you see where this is going? Your partner is supposed to enhance your life not change it to their whims.
Their are lots of women who would travel with you and have a healthy libido. Find one and live your life. YOLO.
You are considering a permanent monogamous relationship with somebody who does not want the same sex life as you, and who does not want the same travel life as you.
She doesn’t have to be a bad person for it to be a bad marriage. Lots of wonderful people are not good couples.
The old saying that love is all you need is nonsense. I’ve loved lots of women. Most of them would have been terrible partners for me (and I for them). If you are going to build a life with somebody, you have to want the same life.
I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound like the situation you are in.
I didn’t even finish reading that. You need to leave. End this relationship and find someone you are compatible with.
Pretty classic young relationship thing. You two have grown into different people are no longer compatible. Your option of accepting less than you want and living an unfulfilling life is one I wouldn’t not suggest personally.
1) I can only speak from my own experience. I believe people prioritize what they care about. I had a lapse in libido after switching to a new brith control. For the 1.5 months it was just slowing down and then one day it felt like my sex drive had been switched off, uninstalled, and plastered over. The moment I realized what was happening, I spoke to my husband to confirm what I thought was going on. That same day I made an appointment with my doctor to change my birth control. Three weeks later I was back to my normal horny self and we went back to having sex 3-5 times a week (after seven years together). Now, I could have just stayed on that birth control because while on it, I truly had no desire for sex. But that horrified me because I knew how important our sex lives had been to us and I didn’t want my husband to have to suffer through a sexless marriage. I knew ultimately we wouldn’t continue a life long marriage if our sex life stopped in our thirties. Especially with it being so in my control. There’s a lot of ways to restore libido so I jumped into action. So unless she’s asexual and lied to you for years, or struggling with a serious medical condition that she’s exhausted medical care options for… she sounds hella complacent to me.
2) All you can do is tell her what you need to see different to be happy. If she chooses to step up to the plate, that’s her call. You can ask for couples counseling on this matter if you’re not confident in handling these convos on your own. Note it should be a different counselor than the one she’s been seeing independently.
3) Not your responsibility. You are responsible for your own emotions, not hers. She’s a capable and grown woman and will need to figure out a full time job and where to live if she becomes single. Just as you’re not entitled to getting sex from her, she’s not entitled to your financial support.
4) You cope by ripping off the bandaid, going no contact to reduce temptation, and going and doing the things you wanted to do. Distract yourself. Work with a therapist. Go travel. Move on.
This is absolutely worth ending a relationship over, particularly as she refuses to discuss the state of affairs with you. She’s correct that you aren’t entitled to sex, but you also aren’t obligated to stay with her.
The difference in traveling is not necessarily as big of a thing. There’s long weekend trips within a certain area as well as the idea of you taking part in solo travel when possible. However, if you have different ideas on when/if to buy a home or have children then that becomes a bigger problem in the relationship.
It sounds to me as though the 2 of you may have outgrown each other, which does happen. It’s not easy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right choice.
Hault your engagement and sort out your issues first
Not much new to add except that I see her lack of effort to compromise as the biggest problem. Seems like you’re willing to take a lot of action and try different things to improve the relationship, while she’s just deflecting. That’s selfish on her end, and I doubt it will get better once you’re married and the relationship is “locked down”.
This is concerning. Being so young, she shouldn’t have these type of issues. You are young, perhaps take time and travel alone and say you are giving her space to work it out but you are very concerned that she doesn’t desire you and this is a big red flag for the future of your relationship. Intimacy is a huge part of a relationship if both parties think it is, but if one doesn’t crave it but the other does, it usually spells disaster. Good luck.
You should also put off the engagement/marriage until she gets her head on straight. She sounds like she needs personal space. You need counseling to be able to get yourself back in line. Her libido isn’t going to get better. It will be the main control point in your marriage.
Your relationship has run its course. You’re at a fork in the road and you both need to separate and go you own path.
Your sex life is incompatible. Major couple thing! Otherwise your just room mates.
Your future plans are incompatible. Someone will be compromising and unhappy. That is a relationship killer that breeds animosity.
After all this time you don’t want to grow from live to hate
Move on. Both of you. You’re together out of habit at this point.
These are the best years of your life, you are both in your prime.
No. She can prioritize her own mental health, but so can you.
> Update: we talked, and she said she wants to prioritize her own mental health before focusing on our sex life, which is why she hasn’t prioritized it. I think this makes sense, she should prioritize herself, and i will support her, i just don’t really know what to do with myself in the meantime other than be supportive… she doesn’t want me to bring up sex anymore since it’s selfish of me to focus on that. she also was against couples/sex counseling for now, saying it would stress her out. She is becoming more aware of the stakes which is good.
OP, you have your answer and it’s time to prioritise **YOUR** mental health and wellbeing as well.
It is time to end the engagement and move on. She has given you your answer and now it is time to give her yours.
Do not marry this person otherwise this will be your life.
I’d never marry someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with. It’ll only get worse.
So she wants to prioritize her mental health but she doesn’t want to include you, her fiancé & future life partner, as part of her life process towards a healthy life?
Plus, you both have very different visions of what a future life looks like (even without ongoing the intimacy issues). You want travel & adventure, she wants the 2.5 kids, white picket fence.
While I truly appreciate your empathy towards her mental health issues, I think it is time for you to take a hard look at YOUR future and whether this relationship is going to be fulfilling for you long term. Sorry to say but I think you both just grew up (18 to 24)with very different wants/desires and don’t think this is going to end up well for you.
Never marry into a dead bedroom. Her refusal to even discuss this with you is a red flag, and I would be suspicious that she’s using her individual therapy as a way to avoid discussing your very valid concerns. Go to r/deadbedrooms if you want a look at how dead bedrooms work out in the end. Don’t do it!
She can focus on her mental health, or beta fish breeding or mastering paint-by-numbers, whatever floats her boat. But when she gives zero fucks or priority to any of your needs, it seems like a simple issue of no longer being compatible. You can stick around to support her while getting nothing in return, or find a more mutually beneficial relationship elsewhere.
You’re not sexually compatible. It will never get better.
This isn’t good.
You confronted her about this, and her response was that her problems are real, and your problems don’t matter. This person isn’t capable of being the partner you need. You’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life if you commit to this situation before resolving it.
Pause the engagement until this relationship is one you feel you might be happy in for the rest of your life. Don’t bet on a lame horse.
24 years old and she’s already backing out of sex. Not good. Y’all should be all over each other.