I’m currently in an LDR with [26F], but we’ve met up few times now and will be meeting up again in a couple months. She’s fantastic and I really look forward to it, but I can’t help but feel dread over knowing she’ll want to have sex (which is important to her).
I’ll get it out of the way and say I guess I’m asexual, but I didn’t think it’d be this much of a problem… I’ll do it because I know it makes her happy but I can’t say I really enjoy the act, and if given the option I’d rather just not.
I enjoy cuddling and being close a lot, but at best sex just feels like work. I don’t get much physical pleasure from PIV (no, I don’t death grip) and it can take me a while to finish if I even do (probably 25% of the time). No problem “getting it up” though. I enjoy giving her pleasure, but she gets sad when I don’t finish too. Some things just make me inexplicably uncomfortable too, like oral (both ways; she’s said she’s ok without).
The whole process just feels weird and awkward and kinda gross if I think about it too much, which I know isn’t normal. I thought I could put up with it but it’s beginning to wear on me. How can I change this?
1 comment
You sound incompatible. It’s not crime to be asexual, neither is it a crime to be sexual; however, you also sound as if you border on sex-repulsed, i.e. your feelings about sex are mostly negative. A relationship between an asexual and a sexual CAN work, but only if both agree on the situation – if the sexual accepts that they will never be desired by their partner, and the asexual is OK with meeting some of the sexual person’s needs. If, as you write, your feelings surrounding sex are as negative as you say, then it sounds like there is not really any way for both of you to meet your needs – either you will be giving her sex will not enjoying it at all, or she will be going without sex and being unsatisfied.
You cannot change how you are, so you cannot change you being asexual/sex-repulsed and more than you can change the fact that you like cuddling, it’s simply a part of who you are. You should accept that and look for a partner who is also asexual, or at very least, one with a low enough libido to not miss sex that much.