Girl and I matched on Tinder in April. Hit it off pretty well, started hanging out a ton, but we agreed neither of us wanted a relationship exactly (for different reasons). Except it pretty much was a relationship from the start, I just didn’t want the label because of commitment.
We got really close and started liking each other a lot. She was living with me (unofficially) and we spent a ton of time together. Problem is, I just don’t see myself marrying her, so I brought it up with her.
My concern was that if I don’t want to be together forever, why delay the inevitable? Why just have it hurt infinitely more at the end in a year or two when we can just end it at 4 months?
The process obviously hurt a shit ton. Over the period of like 8 hours or so, we cried and she slowly packed up her things. It fucking sucks, but what else is there to do?
Now that it’s been a few days, I’ve quickly realized that I miss her really badly and that our personalities were really compatible and we were best friends. I also feel horribly guilty, and I almost just want to get back together with her to solve all the issues. But that wouldn’t change that I don’t quite think I could spent the rest of my life with her.
My reasoning for not thinking I could marry her is driven by my lack of dating experience. I’m someone who has a strong FOMO (fear of missing out). I’m still in my “exploratory” phase. I don’t want to get married then wonder what else is out there.
Did I make the right choice? I so badly want her here again, but I just know it’s a bad idea.
**TL;DR**: I still want to “explore” dating, but we were best friends and I miss her a lot already. Getting back together would cure the guilt and stuff, but it wouldn’t solve the problem that I don’t see myself marrying her or committing long term. Did I make the right decision? Is getting back together a bad idea?
10 comments
If you weren’t ready to commit to her properly, then you just aren’t ready and breaking up was the right thing to do. You literally say you know that getting back together won’t magically make you commit long term so I don’t know why you’re asking about it. Commit to someone when you’re actually ready.
I think this is less about you having fomo and more about you just being scared.
If you want to “explore” then do it… nothing is stopping you. Except, of course, yourself.
What level of exploring would be enough for you? What would be your sign to stop? There’s no possible way for you to experience all of what else is out there, so it’s impossible you to never wonder what you might be missing out on. But it takes bravery, faith, and dedication to get over that fear in most if not literally all relationships.
I don’t think you should get back with her because it hurts, I think you should do work on yourself so that you’re the dependable and enthusiastic partner she deserves.
Go ahead and explore. But she will be the one that got away, you’ll always miss her and wish you had done differently. Unless of course you meet someone else, but sometimes love is once in a lifetime and it shouldn’t be squandered.
Grow tf up and please start doing this thing called thinking before you act thanks.
Definitely don’t make her suffer through your indecisive ass again
If you don’t see a long term future with her and thats something she’s expressed she is looking for, it would be very unfair of you to waste her time. Just because you’re best friends and compatible doesn’t always mean you have to be in a relationship.
Guys like you make me wish my uterus would digest itself as a defense mechanism.
Stop leading people on and wasting their time. You don’t deserve her. Leave her alone.
>Except it pretty much was a relationship from the start, I just didn’t want the label because of commitment.
So, in the future, if you want to not be tied down to someone, you really can’t make them an ersatz gf and expect anything good to come out of it. No amount of “this isn’t a relationship” talk is going to suddenly make super relationship activity things not come across that way. Clearly both of you caught feelings. If she’s moving in within four months, that’s moving really fast even for an actual relationship. I’m not sure what you expected. Be upfront in both word and deed.
Also, you’ve known each other for less than four months. She’s probably not so much a best friend as she is a gf you’re in the early stages of dating. Google NRE. If you have limited dating experience, you currently have some emotional blinders on right now. If she was someone you considered an actual best friend, I suspect you would have less reservations about a serious partnership with her unless there’s other big incompatibilities you aren’t talking about.
Also, you may find out pretty quickly that casual dating kinda sucks for most people because it’s pretty soulless. I know a lot of dudes are like “well I want to sow my oats etc” buuuut genitalia is genitalia, you know? You may get less out of fucking around than you think.
Some advice if you just want to keep someone as a FWB in the future and not have this happen:
– regular check ins to make sure things are gravy
– dont do date shit. If you’re attempting to keep it mostly as an fwb thing, remove the romantic elements. You’re both there to get yours. No cutesy dates. A lot of people with fwbs really limit cuddling or other stuff too.
– don’t live with or otherwise tie yourself to these people. It just makes it soooo much more difficult to disentangle. Again, that’s a legit partner thing.
– limit the amount of time you guys are seeing each other. Like, meet up for hooking up once a week and limit other activities to stuff you do as a group with friends. Again, if this is an fwb, why does she need to be there all the time. If she’s “basically moving in,” that’s less fuck buddy and more of a gf thing.
– y’all should probably not be exclusive and both should be also doing some active dating with other people, unless this is a situation where career wise you two are both super busy. If you are developing serious jealousy issues towards a person you aren’t interested in as an actual partner, that should be a gut check for whether or not this is a good arrangement for you to begin with.
– honestly? Consider establishing a fwb thing with someone where there’s some mutual disdain. It’s kinda toxic but if y’all otherwise don’t get along except for fucking, there’s less wishy washy fantasies about “well what if she was my gf.”
You’re an idiot. Mostly for not making this post **before** you asked her to move out. Christ, man… You ask for advice before you do something, not after the fact.
You’re not “missing out” on anything by choosing someone. Quite the opposite. Be wise enough to know when you’ve found something really good and hold onto it.
There’s dozens, hundreds, or thousands of women who you can sleep with (depending on how desirable of a person you are), but there’s only a few women you’ll ever come across who will actually make good partners for you.
There’s nothing wrong with leaving a relationship that isn’t right for you, but it sounds like this one was right for both of you.
Get back in touch with her, tell her you fucked up, and you’re willing to sacrifice the potential of other relationships to have a serious relationship with her. With the title, commitment, and obligations that come with it.
You’re always going to have to make a sacrifice to get something you want. Make sure it’s the right sacrifice. Based on my experience and observations over the last 20 years (34), you’re sacrifice the wrong thing.
You did the right thing. You aren’t prepared for an adult relationship and shouldn’t string her along if that’s what she’s looking for. Your fomo was going to eventually screw up the relationship anyway, so unless you know how to get rid of it, getting back together isn’t a good idea. At some point, you’ll get tired of the single lifestyle and then maybe you’ll find someone you can commit to and will commit to you.
Don’t contact her again, leave her alone. Don’t date until you’re ready to date like a grownup.