tl;dr – Our housemate is a super-anxious person whose careless destruction and social jealousy is driving me and my partner crazy.
Background: I (H) and my partner (L) live with our roommate S. We lived together in a large shared house with two other people until 2021, then moved into another apartment when the lease ran out on that place. We ended up having to move again a year later due to our landlord selling the apartment, so all told we’ve lived together for around 3 years. L and S lived in the shared house for a few years before I joined, so they’ve probably lived together for around 5+ years. L and I have been involved for some time, but only made it “official” in the last year.
The issue boiled down as much as possible: S is a very forgetful/careless housemate who has often accidentally broken dishes, glasses, you name it. I’ve started only buying plastic “glasses” because she’s broken so many and failed to clean them up thoroughly. I’ve stepped on broken glass she’s left behind more than once. She’s done things like leave a gas burner going with nothing on it, or putting metal in the microwave because she doesn’t think about it. She means well and she tries her best, but living with her is an exercise in cleaning up after her. L grew up in a very strict household and was put into the caretaker/cleaner role in their house at an early age, so S’s messes and general chaos trigger a lot of deep-seated anxiety that turns into frustration and resentment. S has also broken some of L’s sentimental items, so it’s a more tender subject than just simple carelessness. L also has a lot of anxiety around fires and people breaking into the house due to past experiences, so S’s tendency to leave doors open and burners going is a BIG problem for them.
This would be difficult enough to live with, but recently L had a birthday party with some of their closest friends and me. When S found out about this, she made it clear that she felt jealous and left out. L and I are friendly with her – we were all acquainted and friendly before we moved in together – but I wouldn’t say we’re anything like close with her. We watch TV and share stories about our day and talk about house issues, but that’s about it. We occasionally do things together, but it’s more because of shared interests than anything else.
We’ve talked to S time and time again, asking her to be more careful and mindful of what she’s doing – to check to make sure the burners are off, to keep track of her sewing pins and needles so we don’t step on them, to use soap when doing the dishes instead of just hot water, but it never sticks. S is also an extremely anxious person and is very sensitive to criticism so L and I have to be gentle with her to avoid triggering a spiral. We know this situation isn’t tenable. L and I are planning to find our own place, but we don’t know when we would be able to afford it. We also just signed a new lease on our current apartment, so we have at least another 10 months of this to deal with.
So we need your help – we don’t want to throw her out (for numerous reasons including “basic human decency”) but we can’t keep on getting more and more irritated with her every time she opens the dishwasher in the middle of the cycle, or breaks a container of couscous and spills it all over the floor, or requires hours of reassurance that we don’t hate her every time we want to do something with just our friends.
4 comments
>we don’t want to throw her out (for numerous reasons including “basic human decency”)
Here’s the thing. Somewhere along the way, you’ve equated “basic human decency” with “being a total doormat”.
Because of that, *you literally have no options other than to suck it up*.
Conversations haven’t worked. Asking her to stop hasn’t worked. She is – and this is guaranteed – going to keep doing exactly what she’s always been doing unless and until she has a reason to stop. And she has already made it extremely clear that your comfort in your home is not a reason.
S is a nightmare. Sorry, not sorry. I don’t care if it’s anxiety, or what, but S is a terrible roommate and a shitty friend. At some point, you’re going to have to acknowledge that.
>S is also an extremely anxious person and is very sensitive to criticism so L and I have to be gentle with her to avoid triggering a spiral.
Yeah, so. S has used negative reinforcement to train you and L to never expose her to any consequences for her actions. It’s worked great for her. Why *would* she change?
Look, you’ve ended up with a garden-variety user and manipulator. You can continue to tolerate it, or you can kick her out. Up to you – but what won’t happen is S changing after more “gentle” talks.
It’s a tough situation to be in. While my previous roommates were not quite as sensitive or careless, they were still nonetheless, hard to live with.
It sounds like You and L are good people, and it’s admirable that you’re still looking to resolve this amicably. With that said, I’d say there are two options:
1. Move out with L and into a new place. If S makes a big deal out of it, remember that it’s for your own sanity. Something not worth sacrificing for anyone else.
2. Have an honest sit down conversation one last time. Let it be known to her that you and your partner are frustrated with her behavior, but want to try to make things right. Assure her that she’s not a bad person, but her constant need for reassurance is childish and not anyone else’s responsibility but hers. Remind her she’s an adult and more than capable of apologizing, cleaning up her shit, and letting her actions speak for her.
DON’T spend the hours reassuring her. Of course she can have feelings about being excluded(because she is!) or that you seem annoyed (because you are!), but that’s not your job to fix. ‘L wanted a gathering of just those friends, we see you all the time’. ‘yes, i’m a bit annoyed right now because of this specific incident. Also, I care about you, and that hasn’t changed.’ end of discussion. ‘I won’t argue with your brain weasels!’ or ‘it’s not helping either of us to be stuck in this spiral, what else can you do to soothe and recover?’
L and you have repeatedly chosen to live with this person. Living with this person means coping with this kind of hassle. Wear slippers. Speak up in the moment rather than building resentment. Be firm and consistent about boundaries and expectations. Don’t take their feelings on as your responsibility.
If this kind of behavior is getting worse, then express your concern: ‘it seems you’ re forgetting things and dropping things more lately, it looks concerning to me, have you discussed that change with your doctor?’ but if it’s always been that way, then it’s unlikely to change now. Plastic dishes sound perfect. Practice being compassionate and patient.
Sounds like she may have ADHD.