I am not only lonely, but I am also scared. I have been preparing myself to move to another country for education, quit my job a year ago, and am full of doubts and sadness. Sometimes I feel like having a friend to talk to will make everything much easier. When I attend social gatherings (I am an artist), I pretend I am not scared of people. I pretend the person I was talking to is not the only person I talked to in a while. I pretend I was so put together while I was so broken inside.
39 comments
That’s okay, having no friends is a good sign now
Well please don’t be anti social bro even I am somehow anti social itself but it’ll lead to very grave consequences such as the urge to do bad things .
You must somehow surpass all that bro you have the will to do it
Try to find a bunch of artists with similar sensibilities online if possible in real life
I think that being lonely and scared can be a strength when meeting people if you’re open about it
I’m also had a similar situation. Long time ago, I had this kind of mindset that people maybe dislike me. Even now I still had this kind of mindset, but I had learnt to accept that fact that not all people will like me. Yea, It’s hurt and make me feel lonely. The more I force to make people like me, the more it hurt me. I learn to accept this harsh reality of life. When I don’t force it, and let it be. It gave me a peace. But, but guess what? Now I make friend. Just one or two it enough. It’s all about mindset tho. You will be better soon.
Take up art classes and make friends there. Always a new craft to learn right?
Maybe artists have this common ground. No friends, alone, lost.
It’s okay. I’m an artist too, also in my mid 20’s and I also have no one to call a friend. Just don’t dwell too much on it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll be fine. Some people will welcome you in their circle eventually, just don’t close doors. Fighting! 🤗
Damn son/girl you got bars, for some reason I can imagine this paragraph fitting perfectly with a 2012 Drake type of beat
In respect of the content all I can say is same lol. At least there’s the cheat code of booze to lighten up at social gatherings
Loneliness nowadays is no longer a problem it becomes a choice also if you need any help I’m here
I’m still in your shoes. sometimes I feel most grateful from slightest welcoming attitude I get from others. I do my best not to sound too interested, that’s what gives away usually. most of time I feel scared though. I’ve been taken advantage of quite often in the past.
find someone or a group u trust and stop pretending u r ok. if they r good people they will understand.
Other than being scared of people, all of this is just normal adult stuff. It gets easier as you get to your late 20s and people naturally respect you a bit more. The existential dread and keeping up appearances is relatable af. Try and remember that everyone you meet could feel exactly the same.
Being scared of people…. It doesn’t sound like you’re scared enough to let that be a barrier for you. If it does become one then therapy could probably help, but I find I can get through this by telling people some of the stuff I’ve been through. Usually someone can relate and no one will really use it against you, or else you’re in the wrong place and you need to find new people. Once you jump that initial hurdle the fear gets reversed and it’s you and your group vs the world rather than you out there on your own
I just want to say that I’m also in my 20s and I understand and relate to you 🙁 you’re not alone
Makes a lot of sense.
Why don’t you try to get people’s contact info at the gatherings you go too and set something up with them? Say that you’re new to the city and are trying to make some friends. You could do a museum visit, seeing a gallery showing, grabbing a coffee, etc. The easiest way to make friends is through shared interests, and the best way to really connect is by being open and vulnerable about your feelings. If it brings solace, you are not alone in this issue (hehe pun not intended), loneliness and lack of friends is one of the biggest challenges facing millenials and genz. Did you know 1 in 5 millenials say they have 0 friends?? Many of the people you’ve talked to feel exactly the same as you, but are also afraid of admitting it. Knowing that we’re all on the same struggle together is comforting to me.
try to make yoga against stress and toxins f.e. maya fiennes
I’m almost 30 and I can relate. You’re not alone
Bro, you can talk to me. I had the same issues but then I started talking to people pretending that I’m so cool idgaf abt anything or anyone now I have a bunch of friends . I mean I’m still not happy I’m still sad, questioning every choice I make, douting everything in my life but life goes on and so do I keeping my shit together and saying to myself that everything will be fine I’m gonna live and that’s great.
People learn so much about themselves between 25-35. ALWAYS be yourself while balancing the vibe of the room. Having “friends” won’t make life easier nearly as much as feeling comfortable in your skin and knowing how to share who you are safely with those around you. Strengthening this skill will attract and create genuine relationships which then turn into friendships. Don’t pretend but balance.
Teach your craft. Good way to interact with people and hopefully make new friends.
Similar situation. Working in creative fields as an artist. I do have friends but I like keeping to myself a lot as it’s more peaceful and productive lol. Feel free to reach out.
A year ago I was a 23 year old wastrel with a shitty call-center job, no other prospects and living at home. I spent many a broken night waking up in panic by what was going to become of me until I received an (unexpected) acceptance letter from a business school so I decided to quit my job.
Skip forward to this year and I’m studying in the neighbouring country where I have met too many passionate, dynamic and interesting people to count. I still don’t know if I’ll ever get a nice job or the life I want but I have a renewed sense of wellbeing. It’s all a process of discovery, don’t let fear get in the way of opportunity.
Feeling lonely sucks man. Nobody should go through that. Send me a dm if you wanna talk about anything.
Exact same situation mate
This is something only you can solve but it’s very solvable. You are moving with a purpose and joining a community. Make sure you take this as the opportunity it is.
Throw yourself into it head first unapologetically and make sure you laugh and have fun first and foremost and others will or wont like you for it – but you’re doing it to the find and attract the people who will
The beauty of yours and my situation is we almost have nothing to lose, just one “last” push and cling to hope.
If anyone else deserves what you and I went AND have it, why can’t we? It’s just pure lack of luck until now and we’ll be fine
I feel the same. I have my graduation today from university and no friends, only small family, to go with. I’m embarrassed and nervous to have no one I know going and I have to sit alone next to people I don’t know.
❤️ This hit so close to home. I’m going places alone and it’s hard. I’ve spent so long being wrapped up in my anxiety and working long/unusual hours that it’s limited the friends I’ve made.
I truly wish you the best of luck and hope you can find people.
Also, try social skills reddit
They have a discord chat that’s pretty great 🙂
I recently had a breakup and i feel lonely. I am at a university where i cant connect w anyone. The University on its own but i am finding it hard ti connect w anyone. Most of my friends are far away busy w their own lives so they dont have a lot of time to spend. I try to keep myself busy w work and when i am not working idk i try to find other stuff or maybe even sleep it off lol.
It’s okay to be scared. Most people are scared a lot more than they let on, especially in social settings. When we hide our thoughts, feelings, insecurities, passions, doubts, etc, we can start to feel even more alone because these are all parts of ourselves that we are hiding, and the more we hide, the less we feel seen. Give yourself credit for reaching out and expressing yourself as you’ve done here because that’s a big first step to allowing yourself the opportunity to be seen and heard.
The trick to expressing yourself is by finding the right ways (art, movement, therapy, etc), the right times (often before you think you’re “ready”. It’s okay to be scared. We are always scared to share ourselves and the things that are meaningful to us, because those are the things we most want to protect . Understand that fear is a part of growth, and that just because you’re afraid, does not mean something is wrong). And lastly the right audience. I’m a firm believer that if you’re made to feel shame or rejection while being true to who you are, you are doing the right thing in the wrong place. If you’re going out to bars (just as an example) you’re being social, but perhaps that’s not the right place to find your people. Same goes for any type of gathering.
Try to seek out environments where you’ll feel comfortable or even excited to share parts of yourself in conversation or other means of expression (art is a great way of doing this!). You don’t have to talk about yourself if you don’t want to, in fact it’s better to err on the side of asking people about themselves when meeting them, the important thing is that you share a common interest. Whether it’s your art, your hobbies, your heritage, religion, aspirations, passions or even your doubts and fears, those are the settings where you are mostly likely to feel seen and a sense of belonging. Expressing yourself is the first step to feeling seen, which is essential in order for anyone to find you.
You’ve shared a lot about yourself here, so here’s a small piece of my journey as I believe it relates to yours. I’m 35, also an artist, and I’ve battled with depression my whole life. I know all too well the feelings you describe of being alone and scared even in a room full of seemingly joyful people. I had almost no friends until college, and even after that it always felt like a struggle to be social. Just when I had found passion and meaning in my art work and began to build a business around it I was in a near fatal accident that left me with 2 broken legs. I’ve spent much of the last 5 years feeling hopeless, broken, and isolated, but despite that I’ve done my best to rebuild a business, take care of my mind and body, cultivate experiences that I know I will look back on with pride, and surround myself with people that make this all feel possible and worthwhile. With that in mind, and having finally found myself in what I consider to be a good place, what I can tell you is this.
1) It does take work to do all of these things, but it is most certainly worth it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
2) How you talk to yourself really matters. If we tell ourselves that we are broken, undeserving, or don’t hold value we will believe it. Learn to talk to yourself as you would to someone else who is going through a hard time. Practice self compassion. Even if it feels forced, just find the words of encouragement and let yourself speak AND hear them. Becoming self reliant doesn’t mean being a loner, it’s just about being able to count on yourself to get you through the hard times, which you are currently doing so keep it up!
3) When I look back on my life and think about the friends that I’ve made, the real friends who I love and cherish, not just people who like me because they think I’m helpful, fun, or charming, the common theme was that I was always in a place I loved and doing things that brought me joy. I was never looking for friends when I found them. People gravitate towards things that bring them joy, so focus on that and people who are right you will find you.
Do the things make you happy even if you don’t have anyone to do them with. Learn to be a good friend to yourself first, and the rest will follow, I promise.
This is me, wish we had a community center in every city where we could make friends who are like us. We are loyal and trustworthy yet we are left all alone. Such a pathetic life tbh
Nobody out there have true friends it’s very rare thing now a days nobody cares they will be your friends till they need your help it’s better to be alone then to be with fakers. I had lot of friends who used to talk sweetly and kindly but the moment their work is done then they feel you are useless and they will run away and pretend as if you don’t exist and it badly hurts because you are real and they are all fake people, and then you feel insecure and bad about yourself and it takes a lot of time to heal and be confident again. Through I am trying everyday but deep down it still hurts sometime that why people are like so void , empty and selfish. So,I just cut my self from all those people who used me those all fake friends run away when you need them. So, it’s better to be alone and happy,being alone will teach you so many things and make you a strong person and just keep small group of friends just 3 or 2 or maybe 1 that’s it. It’s not about quantity it’s about quality, be with those you really values you, cares you and motivate you in all your highs and lows..
I am in my 40s, and here is what I have learned: join groups and clubs and dont worry about making friends at them. Go consistently. Smile. Be kind and try to be a good listener and you will make friends over time, and you will at least have company once in awhile even if you don’t think you are connecting.
I am delighted when someone calls me their “friend” before I realize that we have evolved to that stage through being at meetings together.
Book clubs, art clubs and collectibles and volunteering at charities (with your art skills perhaps) are great ways to meet people, especially in new places. I seem to move every 4 years for work, so trust me when I say I know what it’s like to be new somewhere.
Two things you can do
Either Stop pretending to be confident, to be not scared, this will get you some really genuine friends
Or pretend like no one can find out you’re faking it. Smoke a cigarette before you have a meeting or something. Nicotine really gives you that chill out type high
Just try being involved into things
I would really suggest cigarettes or chewing gums with nicotine
How are you surviving without working for a year ?
Same here!
This is things that worked for me and might not necessarily work for you, but I was on the same about as you at 19. I joined a MMA gym, started making friends there, joined clubs around my city stared taking leadership and invited people to do things instead of waiting for an invite
> I pretend the person I was talking to is not the only person I talked to in a while.
This reminds me of when I was living in my van. I drove 20,000 kilometers to the Atlantic Ocean, sometimes spending a week in the woods without seeing another human being. As I sat waiting for the ferry to Newfoundland, two older women pulled up next to me and started talking. They were both local and I probably looked quite odd to them. But I was touched by their courage and kindness. I hadn’t had a real conversation for almost 2 months at that point.
So first I would like to remind you that there are lots of kind, patient people in the world. You will be so struck by their kindness that a part of you will want to cry. The stark difference in the world between the horrors and the joys is enough to drive you insane, and to bring the hardest of hearts to tears. And it is a beautiful thing. You will experience this. It is the destiny of the broken hearted that they may be witness to the pieces of their heart slowly being put back together again, and they will rediscover the beauty of their loss.
But also, I want to encourage you not to pretend. Because when you hide yourself like that, you close yourself to the gentleness that you deserve. It is fine to be scared. Being scared makes you *more* gentle, *more* caring, *more* graceful. And this is a beautiful thing. But we are all pretending not to be scared, in that, we are all out here, hoping for things to become clear, hoping that each day will be a little bit better than the last. And at some point the fear becomes a constant companion, a wise old teacher. You don’t need to do what it tells you to do, but you need to let it be a part of you. Because all of you is who you are. And the people who love you want to know all of you, not just the constructed parts. Good luck.
Do you generally find yourself feeling like you have to “pretend” in certain social situations more than others? Like, do you feel better around a certain group more than others?
To be honest it really could just be that putting yourself in a social situation with non like minded people could be the biggest problem, especially if you are hoping to create meaningful relationships.
Another tough thing is trying to find and meet people when subjected to an isolating environment. Its not that you are a bad person, invalid person, or aren’t viable for friendship. It’s probably more so that opportunities to meet a person or group of people that can listen to you have lessened.
Environmental changes are a great way to restart. Not only for the sake of finding other people, but most importantly putting yourself in an environmentment where you have to navigate and overcome the challenges that the environment presents to you that you start struggle for a bit but then find your way after little accomplishments here and there which then can be shared and relatable to the people around you.
The doubt and sadness starts to subside because you kind of start to forget about it once you find your beat/rhythm.
Start swimming. Cannot stress it enough. Or maybe biking/cycling. That shit is insanely helpful to alleviate your mood.
Guess what? Everyone else out there is just pretending they know what to do also. We’re all just stumbling around in the dark for the most part. We all have broken places.