I met a guy through r/randomactsofmuffdive a few months ago and we’ve become basically best friends with benefits since then and have clearly acquired feelings for each other. He recently officially asked me out, and I declined.
I personally have problems due to being raped as a child, I’m infertile as a result, can’t have normal intercourse without severe pain, but more than any of that I *don’t know if I can actually reciprocate love*. For this reason I have a rule that I do not date… I don’t want to hurt another by my inability to properly provide the feelings that come with being *in love*.
He is perfectly happy with our current arrangements which excludes intercourse. He has expressed a surprised feeling of attachment to me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and is not interested in finding someone else. I admit I feel possessive of him, and feel insanely jealous at the thought of him being with someone else and I too am not interested in finding anyone else…
I want to be with him, but… He has expressed genuine love, and I tried to reciprocate, *I swear I tried so hard to feel it, love, for him*, and I couldn’t, I don’t see him in a different light, he doesn’t shine in my eyes like he’s expressed I do to him, he isn’t special in my eyes like he says I am to him, my heart doesn’t skip a beat for him, I don’t get butterflies in my stomach for him. I care deeply about him but I just don’t feel love for him despite genuinely wanting to. I don’t experience him the way he does me, probably because I’m damaged…
He asked me out officially, and I declined, and explained to him that I love him in my own way, that is… I don’t want to be with anyone else and I don’t want him to be with anyone else, I enjoy him immensely, but the title, dating, being a girlfriend, I don’t think I can fulfill what is demanded by those terms, I feel like we’re already together, and I want that to remain as it is and grow… If a few years away he proposed, I’d accept out of an obligatory feeling, I am serious about what we have…
Needless to say… He was understandably very upset when I declined, he was calm and understanding, but he wears his heart on his sleeve and was visibly devastated… We haven’t been the same since, though he still is willing to put in the time, effort, and attention towards me, I can feel the enthusiasm is gone, he’s being great towards me continually, but it’s clear he also is hurting inside and that is the last thing I ever wanted to cause him. I’ve tried to reciprocate, I want to feel towards him how he feels towards me…
I wish I could give him what he wants genuinely but I don’t want to pretend like I can… I don’t want an official relationship between us based on pretend feelings on my part, he deserves better than that…
He said he understands all of my concerns and will respect them and not push on this any further, but I need to know if I’m doing the right thing here or not…
Tl;dr: Guy I’m hooking up with asked me out, I’m damaged emotionally and physically from being raped as a child and as a result declined despite genuinely liking him, did I do the right thing?
22 comments
Don’t go for the stereotypes. Sometimes love doesn’t have butterflies, actually if you have “butterflies” which is just being nervous chances are that person isn’t for you.
Sometimes the person who’s for you is someone you can be 100% comfortable with. Not saying this is OP’s case but for everyone who’s gonna read this
The right thing based on this is to end the arrangement. Continuing will only keep him in a constant state of hoping you will change your mind eventually
Go to therapy. 100% there are some issues you have that need some professional help
Definitely go to therapy. And let this man go. Don’t pretend to feel anything you don’t feel towards him. That way he will get the point and move on..
People acquire love in different ways. Maybe going on dates will build love on your part. You can always go on dates and if you don’t get the feeling you can always tell him you just want to be fwb and nothing else in a nice manner.
You don’t have to love him in the same way. You can love him the way you can. Tell him how you think you can love him instead of how you can’t, then it’s up to him if he’s willing to accept that.
I can relate because I sometimes feel like I’m lacking when I don’t relate to the flowery things my boyfriend says. But he’s reassured me that he feels just as loved by me in other ways. I feel like a robot while my boyfriend sounds like a poet. It’s tough not to be hard on yourself for not being mushy but it’s just self-hate at the end of the day and isn’t necessarily an accurate measure of what you actually give in the relationship.
If he’s really like a best friend to you, tell him about your past. Explain your trauma and personal limitations. Explain you turned him down not because you don’t care about him but because you don’t believe you will ever be able to meet his needs emotionally and all you want is his happiness. Context will allow it to make sense and not sound like “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Sounds like my baby moms is this ary
You’re definitely overthinking this. You don’t have to feel the exact same way he does because people just experience feelings differently — and that may bother him that you don’t reciprocate in the cute joyous way that he does but it’s something that he’ll come to understand with time. You already said in your post and to him that you do love him, your feelings just aren’t expressed the same way as his are.
You feel exclusive to him. You’d feel jealous if he were with anyone else. You do love him, you’ve just been taught that there’s only one way to show it. You obviously do want this but you’re taking one for him because you don’t think he can handle what you feel you can and cannot give him.
Maybe let him make that decision. He’s an adult, right? It’s a noble goal but don’t make yourself a martyr on his behalf if he doesn’t want you to.
Think you should tell him you’ve been rethinking it and you’ll give it a chance and see how it goes.
I had nearly the exact same situation a month ago even down to the no actual sex due to her having medical issues. I noticed her growing more distant and she broke it off. Her reasoning was nearly identical to yours:
> I enjoy him immensely, but the title, dating, being a girlfriend, I don’t think I can fulfill what is demanded by those terms
> He has expressed genuine love, and I tried to reciprocate, I swear I tried so hard to feel it, love, for him, and I couldn’t,
> I don’t experience him the way he does me, probably because I’m damaged…
She was cheated 4 times by an ex that she loved very much and ghosted out of nowhere by another guy even after they met each other’s family.
> I wish I could give him what he wants genuinely but I don’t want to pretend like I can… I don’t want an official relationship between us based on pretend feelings on my part, he deserves better than that…
She moved on so quickly. I was left immensely hurt. Now I’m pretty destroyed emotionally, I already had some baggage going into that and now gained an additional one – I’m not worth a try over a guy who cheated on her multiple times over 5 years
That’s fine, but please, just leave him alone. If you don’t want him in your life the way he’d like, that’s the least you can do
Say yes and get a therapist (no dis, i see one too). Don’t give up on love because what the two of you have sounds really special
Seek counseling. So basically your emotionally fucking other people cause you’re emotionally fucked. Hurt people hurt people and you’re just keeping the hurt going. Damn shame. Seek help!
He wants more of a relationship then you want, or are able to give. You did the right thing by being honest with him. Let him move on and find someone better suited for him.
You should break this up
Hey listen….I am so happy to read your story. You won’t believe it, but I’m basically the guy in this story, except 5 months was two years and no hookups.
She has the same thoughts as you and feeling the same way as you expressed yourself – not being able to reciprocate and worrying about that.
We ended things. Felt really depressing, but I’m learning to heal and move on.
More strength to you OP.☺️
Therapy, and please cut this guy loose so he can find the relationship he is looking for
Let him go!
Therapy
I experienced the same situation with my ex-girlfriend, she has some traumas and wasn’t sure about going through a couple… What I told her was “I don’t care about labels, I care about you”, and reading through your post, it seems like you both genuinely care about each other.
If I can give you pieces of advice:
– don’t focus on labels, just focus on what you have
– both take your time, don’t rush on complicated sentences (we all know those 3 words) if you are not comfortable with them yet
– I don’t know your background on it, maybe you already did or you are currently seeing one but, you should definitely try seeing a therapist
– I saw another message from u/Similar_Craft_9530 while writing my message and I agree with them, if you feel comfortable enough with that guy, telling him about your past can help you to elevate your relationship and help you to bury the old pains
But never forget: Take your time, the only metronome you should follow is you and only yourself, my advice might not apply to you depending on a lot of factors!
Damn that’s messed up lol
hi OP. i think in my opinion ur genuinely scared getting into a serious relationship due to the trauma u have. seek therapy if u can afford. but love is not about having butterflies in ur stomach.. when i met someone my current bf now of more than 6 years, i never felt that and we hang out as much as we can and spend time together and later on i got to know him more and our interest. dont expect that u need to be head over heels for him. basically u need to try to start being friends without the s*x part. get to know him. do something fun together and know what he likes and what u like. talk to him and tell him the reason why ur hesitant. do not overanalyze things when its a relationship. a relationship blossoms on its own without u realizing it. yes u may feel jealous if he finds someone else but have u ever thought living without him? can u live without him? if yes then dont drag it and cut things off coz he deserves to find someone that will love him. if no, then stay and be honest with ur feelings and start with being friends without the benefit part.