TLDR
Wife of 21 years messaging ex and deleting the conversations.
My wife and I have been married for 21 years next month. We had our ups and downs in the first few years of our marriage. No cheating on either side that I’m aware of.
Recently, by nothing but a mistake on my part I opened our laptop up to a conversation between my wife and the guy she was dating way back in 2001 when we met. Nothing in what was there was bad, but it bothered me a little. She told him to not leave his chats open, and he responded he had nothing to hide. She replied back “it could make life difficult for her” if their messages were seen. A little more concerned now on my end.
Right or wrong, after reading this stuff, I have been keeping an eye on the activity between them. Turns out, she is deleting the conversations on her end, so who knows what I haven’t seen that’s getting deleted. She is also very protective with her phone.
I haven’t approached her about it yet. I don’t really know how. She will throw it back at me for spying on her, which is fine. I’m a big boy, and can take it. Plus it was by pure dumb luck I initially saw it because of her not closing the window on computer. My fault for continuing to spy on her. The trust is out the window at this point. I probably would have had concern but been fine if it was innocent chit chat, but the deleting chats part really eats at me.
Hate to throw 21 years down the drain, but have told her since we met I will not stand for a liar or a cheater, and the trust is gone on both sides once I confront her.
27 comments
Have you already decided that you’d get a divorce if she was having an on-line, emotional affair with someone? Regardless of what might have led up to it?
does it even matter if she is flirting with this guy or not? I mean she inadvertently put you in a situation where you have to assume she is so basically the same thing.
how does she talk about you in those chats? that is where the real story is mate
If your concerned about conversations enough to delete them, then you probably shouldn’t be having them. Emotional affairs do just as much damage as a real one.
Hope you find a way to navigate these waters Op.
Well she’s having an emotional affair at least. Act accordingly.
If this were me, I would consider this within the realm of cheating. It might not be a full blown affair, but it certainly has the making of one.
Do not say anything or confront her yet, gather as much information as you can. That includes speaking with an attorney to find out what a divorce would mean for you in your state. Are you in a No-fault state? Even if you are, get a keylogger or something similar to capture her conversations. Without evidence, she may try to gaslight you later. Go through your phone bill to look at the call/text logs. Make a note of length of calls and when it was made. You may also want to try r/Infidelity for more advice.
Can you bring up a conversation about personal boundaries and values as well as within the marriage? Letting her know that you both should tell each other your feelings about everything and only between you two. To go outside of the marriage and give someone else your feelings and emotions is cheating. Tell her you want to create time you can do this together. Ask her how she feels about that. Ask her how she would feel if you texted a female you knew about your feelings, emotions and your marriage and hide it from you? Then agree neither of you will do that. Defend the marriage and give it top priority and time it deserves. It would be okay to let her know she left the computer open and you saw the messages. Then tell her you suspect a whole lot more going on. That that alone did break trust. If she doesn’t come clean then ask for separation. Best wishes
Tell to her knock it off now, either she blocks him or apparently she wants a divorce. Also her device is wide open to you. She is hiding something and she is showing no respect for you. You should be pissed, why is she communicating with an ex from 21 years ago. Take care of this right away and don’t fall for her BS about her privacy.
look y’all been married for 21 years. you weren’t looking for it or trying to spy on her so if this is true you should be able to approach her confidently about this. Because it was a “heads up” opportunity more than anything else. uou should have seen it because thats your wife. don’t be afraid to talk to her about it, you obviously sound like you love your wife so find out really why is she doing that. women understand more than men really give them credit for
First, I hope you took a screenshot of the conversation. Always CYA.
As for the conversations between your wife and ex, there are a number of ways to approach this and it all depends on how honest vs aggressive you want to be.
For example, complete honesty route: “I have a confession to make. Since around [date], I’ve been snooping on your conversations with [ex] because you left a window open on the laptop where you were telling him to delete conversations and that it could make life difficult. I know you’ve been deleting conversations and that concerns me. Do we need counseling?”
Or an aggressive route: {hand wife printed copy of conversation} “Care to help me understand why I shouldn’t be calling a lawyer right now?”
Or creepy stalker nuclear approach… find the ex, tell him to show you the messages between him and your wife. Tell him that if he doesn’t share, you’re getting a divorce and will tell her and everyone that he outed the affair to you.
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>Hate to throw 21 years down the drain,
Look up “sunk cost fallacy”. If it’s over, it’s over. She knew the boundaries. If she chose to cross them, it was intentional.
That being said, if you have an interest in saving things, have a conversation with her first. Try to guide it around to deleting conversations and how you think hiding message threads is the same as lying and cheating. Maybe she’ll open up, maybe she’ll double down, but at least you’ll have more information about which way things are going.
Confront her. It’s gonna hurt but at least you will know the truth. If you need to divorce then do it. If that were me I would rather get a divorce then be with someone who is always hiding something
Save money and proof especially if you have children under 18. This can’t end well. Sorry to hear that man.
Cheating is anything they do with another person, that you would never do in front of their spouse.
I wouldn’t confront her. I’d say ” Do you know this guy; a woman claiming to be his wife messaged: it would be good to meet up. I deleted it but then I realized you dated him.
I’d read her face and it should tell you what you need to know.
I’m sure in your wedding vows there was nothing about privacy or secrecy so it doesn’t matter that you looked. You can look at your phone bill to see how often she communicates with him. Sorry about going through this
It sounds like you’ve got a good grip on the situation. She is at the very least disrespecting you, I mean deleting messages to an ex is just that even if they are not engaging in an EA. Obviously you need to be on high alert and not let her know you’re onto anything. I wouldn’t feel bad about spying, sure she’s going to throw it in your face if you confront, but I feel any spouse has a right to protect themselves when there is evidence of an affair going on. You can’t let it go until you know for sure what this is.
I always find it so funny when people get upset about “their privacy” when they’re doing wrong and being shady. Lol in other words… I’m just sorry I got caught and shame on you for catching me.
That’s sketchy. I wouldn’t mention anything or confront her yet. Continue to sit back, observe & gather evidence & info. I would think about installing software on her phone or laptop that lets you see passwords/read texts w/o her knowing and before she deletes them. That’s prob the only way to get the full truth b/c she’ll deny everything 🤷.
I would not put divorce as your first option.
You should definitely confront and totally and I mean totally ignore any accusations of spying.
Tell her this is not acceptable and ask her to move to a seperate room or out if possible.
Take your time.
Maybe this is a fantasy outlet and it can be worked thru with counseling.
As I see, It’s better to gather some info before confront.Because you only have few deleted msg for your support. you ca go for a polygraph test.
You should talk to her about this. Even if it’s nothing, it’s bothering you enough.
I’ve been married almost 11 months now, I’ve been with my husband for 7 years prior. We’re currently separated because we stopped communicating with each other. Do not ever stop communicating with your wife. Even if you’re scared of her reaction, or not wanting to rock the boat, it’s better to talk to her about what’s going on and how you feel then let it lie and become a gigantic mountain of trouble.
Please be safe, and know that no matter what happens, you are going to be ok.
If you have to delete the messages, it’s not a good thing. I always say, “don’t engage in activity you wouldn’t want your partner to know or find out about”. That includes inappropriate talk online, dating apps, etc.
If you really want to know, keep monitoring their conversations… take pictures since she deletes the thread. If you accuse her without knowing for sure, she can backtrack and then hide it better.
I like the idea of what someone said about sitting her down to talk about the marriage and focus on that asking if she’s happy, etc. I think that’s a great start. Maybe it’s nothing… is the other guy married, is he local?
22 years here.
Divorce was never an option until he cheated. I’m very forgiving but cheating I can’t.
Cheaters suck ass.
Why can’t people just be loyal and honest?
Well on the surface she’s not lying or cheating, right? To me what she’s doing is plenty, however. That said, it’s time to say something, don’t let it fester or wait, see her response.
I will be totally up front. This is coming from friends that have had some very suspicious partners due to their own pasts, some very nosy relatives that like to gossip, as well as working with some couples that did not communicate their own boundaries well so these are a couple possibilities not saying yes definitely but things just to consider. 1) If she has herself read a number of things on Reddit from men or women, many people have commented to these people that it is a red flag if your partner communicates at all with an ex. 2) again, don’t take this one personally because I don’t know you, but again this is one thing counselors have heard or seen. Whether because of how you have reacted to something, how another has reacted, what she heard people do or even read on social media, she just rather not have something that isn’t a problem become a problem not realizing if already known deleting may cause a problem. 3) She may not really be worrying so much about you, but other family, coworkers, even perhaps friends you two share or overall paranoid things may get into the wrong hands. I used to have a coworker that would even hurry up and write down any DM’s or texts from any non family member and then delete them because he was sure his in laws could access his messages and would even think work messages were him cheating or something.
Have you two before this all ever discussed things like messaging or chatting with exes or opposite gender friends and each others rules or boundaries? If not or perhaps she may be thinking the ” if this was me kind of thing I might get this idea.” Again I don’t know how close or open with each other you are but a suggestion my one girlfriend was given by a counselor was to “ask her husband as if getting his opinion for another” so say ” ask her what she would do and just change the details some” You may get an idea of why she did or if something is really going on. In my friend’s case her husband actually said something like it sounded like something he struggled with and opened up about some anxieties he was facing and the only person that understood was a lady who was ex military at work but he didn’t want people thinking they were anything else. He didn’t think that hiding it made it look more so. The wife also had no idea he was going through stuff. Hope some of this helps. Good luck.
That is cheating.
Yes I think she’s crossed a line and lost your trust need to confront her at least hear her side and if she doesn’t do what you need to move forward in the relationship that says a lot of her loyalties with you and protecting her self. Sorry this sucks! I’ve been cheated on too and going thru a divorce now.
Maybe the texts weren’t to connect with him – maybe she was venting about you!
It’s not an affair at all, but fits the bill of “could be difficult on my side.”
Have a rational conversation… the need to “confront” so quickly is, to me, a sign of poor communication and lack of self confidence.
If your marriage has been mostly good until now, there are a bunch of things this could be that have nothing to do with cheating.
Maybe he was venting about his wife and she said something about you that was something she considers private and over-sharing.
There’s just a whole lot of assuming happening for the total amount of information you actually have.
If you’re gonna put up with this shit there’s no reason for her to stop. You stumbled on their messaging due to HER mistake; to not follow up on that on your part would have been irresponsible.
If she’s not havin an EA with him why the immediate deletion of the conversations?
Call her out; it appeared that you’re not enough for her. Intelligently plan a workable exit strategy.