As stated above, we both have been in a relationship for 1.5 years by now. Our first months were very amazing, the classical honeymoon phase were everything seemed to be perfect. We moved in after 7 months into a very nice apartment. Never had any arguments or fights and respected each other a lot. We have stayed in this very good state for a few more months.
Since we have progressed quite fast in the relationship already, she mentioned that she wanted to get married to me real soon. We started with more and more discussions but always ended up in a heated fight unfortunately since she kept pushing or even forcing me to do it for her. She even gave me the ultimatum to break up with me if I wont marry her within the next 6 months. So she basically gave me a deadline. I even agreed to this at one point because I was probably too afraid of losing her.
Few weeks later we had a more calm but rather emotional (involved in lots of crying) conversation to discuss why it even led to this current situation. She told me that I have treated her so well and am a people pleaser. I was such a yes-sayer who always let her win every fight and argument. So basically as she said, I treated her too well from the very beginning of our relationship which is why she thought she can cross one line after the other to demand me to do things which were actually strictly against my own will.
I have been treating her like royalty the entire time and this is the result I get. Seems like life is not fair at all…
At one point she seemed to have realized what she has done to me, she even admitted she was an emotional abuser towards me. She threatened me many times to just dump me to find another guy who is willing to get married to her asap and rather let that guy treat her like shit. It didn’t matter to her at all anymore how kind I was to her etc. She just wanted the social status of being married, so to speak she wanted a marriage, not necessarily marrying me. She felt really sorry for me.
She starts to feel guilty about her own actions and got the following idea: she will emotionally detach from me fully for the next few years she said, which means we treat each other basically like flatmates without any signs of intimacy. From her point of view, she will always develop this possessive behaviour: trying to control my life (there is only a very little specific amount of friends I am allowed to meet up) and forcing me to do things I don’t want or am not ready yet (forcing a marriage, forcing us to buy a very expensive house for us etc.) if she allows too much intimacy with me. We have had a great sex life and were very affectionate all the time.
So it has been almost two weeks now that we acted like cohabitating exes, we ignore each other’s feelings and treat each other literally like formal housemates. We haven’t touched or kissed each other for almost a month now whilst living together. That is actually quite painful and feels like we have already broken up and are exes.
Now we both have agreed to a new idea: we will ignore each other completely during the week (treat like housemates), but will start “dating” again in the weekends. So we will share intimacy again (have sex, kiss, cuddle, go out on trips and restaurants etc.) only on weekends. Like we want to simulate what we have done in the very beginning, to see each other for dates on weekends exclusively. She said she will keep doing this model for at least the next few years and there is no chance of going back to our previous stage where were affectionate 24/7 because she fears the evil cycle will just return again.
So how can we continue? I don’t feel comfortable at all with our current situation. I know I need to give her space to recover and respect her opinion “I need to detach from you emotionally so I will stop abusing you” (even tho I don’t really agree on this but ok…). I really don’t know for how long I can keep it like that. Actively depriving me from any intimacy for a very long time (at least now she says weekends are ok tho) is really hard for me. She also mentioned its not what she likes to do but she actively suppresses her emotions towards me to save the relationship.
Do we still have potential to save our relationship at this point?
TL;DR: GF forced me to marry her and we ended up having many heavy fights. She feels guilty now and wants to emotionally detach from me (deprive us from any intimacy) for the next few years in order to restart our relationship.
12 comments
>That is actually quite painful and feels like we have already broken up and are exes.
You have broken up basically. You’re flatmates. Not partners. And she wants this for a couple of years? This whole thing is unhealthy. If it’s over it needs to be over. Not flatmates where you’re just hanging on waiting for her.
Either break up, or get some therapists involved.
This approach of random withdrawing and absurd “experiments” is not going to work. If you two are serious about re-connecting, get an expert like a couples counselor to guide you through those conversations and activities.
Frankly, at the moment her plans are just an extension of her controlling behaviors. She needs to surrender some control and accept guidance from those who know better, and make decisions in *real discussion* and negotiation with you. No more of her deciding alone how it will be, unless her decision is to break up. That is the one choice she gets to make alone, the others, she actually has to work with you, not dictate to you.
She also needs to seek individual therapy if she is serious about addressing her abusive behaviors. And you’d probably be wise to get individual support as well to address your people-pleasing tendencies and to make sure you’re *really* making choices that will lead you where you want to go in life, and not just going along her with dominating personality.
she is toxic break up NTA
You should break up. She admitted to you that she was deliberately abusing you, and now she wants to play weird games.
Oh my goodness you are getting played by a very manipulative person. She’s not trying to fix THIS problem, she’s trying to address a different issue. She’s set you up as her “part time boyfriend” but one she lives with and effectively takes care of domestic things full time. In addition, she’s still dictating rules to you and you’re still going along with them, so she’s not solving anything she claims to be working on. My guess is that you are in a half-open relationship that you aren’t aware of.
Figure out what sort of relationship you want, find some self respect and work on that. If she’s not the sort of person who can do that, then you aren’t compatible and need to move on. Get some therapy for yourself and learn to value yourself more.
I see gigantic red flags everywhere with this girl…cut her off move her out..and go find u another one and dont be such a pushover..to many woman in this world to let one control you..be the man not the yes man
She must have some mental health issues. This is not healthy behavior
OP, this is not healthy. It’s almost as if both of you are trying something a therapist told you to – except, without the actual instruction of a therapist, and without the proper dialogue that’s supposed to come with it.
She sounds clinically crazy. And you are following crazy’s lead. This won’t end well.
You know she has issues. She’s admitted that she doesn’t process things or the relationship in a healthy way, so at least there’s that. She knows full well that she’s crazy and her behavior is unhealthy. That’s actually quite a good thing. They say that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting that there’s a problem.
It all comes down to one thing: does she actually want to fix this and work on her mental health issues with a therapist OR does she enjoy the drama and chaos and attention she gets from letting the crazy lead?
Nah fuck that. She’s up on some major league bullshit and is taking you on a ride because she thinks you’re too big of a sucker to leave.
Another way to think about this is that her true colors are showing.
What do you experience in the early part of the relationship is just her hiding her personality and actions from you but in fact she is this kind of person and now that you’ve moved in together and had some time together she’s revealing more and more of herself
And instead of admitting that some of the fault is hers for pushing the relationship too fast she’s saying that is your fault because you are just too nice to her
Currently you’re not enthusiastic about the idea of marrying her that is a big red flag for you
Pay attention to it and hopefully you make the right decision for yourself
Oh boy. She is pretty much saying no sex until marriage. She is very manipulative. Do you really believe dating on the weekends and roommates on the weekdays? How! Pretend you two are totally strangers?
Sorry Op. I really don’t see how to fix it. You are right. It is her way or the highway.