yesterday my girlfriend (20f) and i (20m) of a few months were sexting, and i ended up asking if she wanted to try anything new in the bedroom. she replied asking for a threesome… i personally don’t like the idea of it, because i love her and the thought of sharing her or even myself pains me. however, her asking about that made me question our sex life, and made me feel as if she was missing something that i couldn’t give her. so, without hesitation, i agreed to support her. turns out, she was only joking to see how i would respond. now, she’s mad at me and even contemplating our relationship, because she thinks that im “just okay with” sharing her and sleeping with other people. i’ve tried to explain myself but she wont listen… now we haven’t talked in almost 24 hrs and i honestly dont know how i’ll be able to recover from it. any advice for being able to communicate better, or maybe even assure her that i didn’t mean anything by it? i really just wanted to support her by agreeing, but now im starting to think that i was in the wrong? i would just value some outside perspective, please:)
TLDR: my girlfriend wanted a 3some and i agreed, but she was lying about wanting one, to see my reaction. now she’s mad at me and wont talk.
EDIT/ UPDATE: i didn’t expect to get as much feedback as i have, thank you all so much for the advice and perspective as it truly helped me.
as an update, she reached out to apologize for overreacting. i then told her that i wont tolerate being trapped, and that these mind games are manipulating and toxic, and that i wont be ignoring or forgetting red flags. on my end, i apologized for not being open/honest from the beginning. needless to say, we worked it out. thanks again to everyone who gave their advice:)
47 comments
> any advice for being able to communicate better
It takes two to communicate well, she would prefer to play games and lay trap cards rather than act like an adult. Good luck with that, don’t ignore warning signs of immaturity.
My advice to her is play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She shouldn’t have asked if she didn’t actually want to do it. You don’t have to do anything to fix it, if anything I’d be waiting for her to apologize to you. I might even communicate all this to her
Your GF is being ridiculous and tried to “trap” you with a question. That’s not how mature adult relationships work. Let her and her manufactured drama move along.
Girls playing games like this are huge red flag to me. I would leave her without second thought. From experience. Had the same issue 8 years ago.
Yeah girls who trap their bf with this “test” shit are the lowest of the low.
Let her sulk it out then have a talk about her not making stupid jokes like this any more.
You did nothing wrong. She’s an idiot.
Fuuuuuukkkkkkk that my guy. My girlfriend and I talked about how extreme we would go in the bedroom kinky wise and we both blurted out same time “no other people whatsoever in the bedroom”. I was like thank god. It’s honestly shocking how many people are down for that. It will ruin your sex life. I’ve had friends that it’s ruined their marriage and everything. And one was ruined just bc she brought it up one time that she’d be interested in it. I had one gf that I found out was a swinger in her prior marriage and I had to break it off. Sure everyone has a past but as humans there are certain things we just aren’t down for. If you use to do it religiously then you enjoy it. Just my thoughts.
Oder food online for me and my sister while my parents are sleeping
I think this type of testing is immature and reaks of dishonesty and manipulation on her part. On your end, you should have opened the discussion more with your concerns. Nit bc this diminishes her behavior, but bc in general you shouldn’t just say “yup” when you aren’t sure anyway.
She’s toxic move on
She wasn’t joking. Anxious partners may love-test their SO in many different ways.
There’s more such events in store for you. Partners like your GF need tons of reassurance, and their nagging doubts and suspicions are virtually impossible to quell. As Sheryl Crow might say, I think you face the question of whether you’re tough enough to be her man.
As for this one incident, I don’t see how it can be undone, and I’m afraid you’ll have to accept the blame, and the consequences, without further resistance or debate. Your GF just might share her ménage à trois story with a few people she trusts, and just maybe they’ll question her POV rather than validate it, but don’t bet the farm.
Sorry I couldn’t do better for you, and good luck.
Your gf is being a ridiculous. She brought it up
It sounds like you guys have some communication issues. She shouldn’t have suggested it if it wasn’t something that she wanted and you shouldn’t have agreed if that isn’t what you wanted.
You should probably just explain it like how you did in the post. That you were worried that you weren’t giving her something that she wanted/needed. You should also tell her to not suggest things that she isn’t actually comfortable with
Yea she’s playing head games. Run away!
RED FLAG. Dodge that shit like a bullet my dude.
People call it a trap, but it was deceit. Simple as that.
OP. I would tell my partner that I do not appreciate her playing games & “testing” me. I took her inquiry serious and while I should’ve expressed my discomfort with her request. I went along due to the fear and pressure of not being sexually adequate.
Where she went wrong: People should be more mature than this. Do not fuck around with people’s feelings to gauge what they’ll say and then be upset by the outcome.
Where you went wrong: You should’ve been honest, if you aren’t lying in your post. You should’ve expressed that you do not want a threesome, you would like to be in a monogamous relationship together. You would ask 1. if she can also be satisfied in a monogamous relationship and if the sex life is lacking how can you guys improve it together?
Let this be a lesson for both of you really. Don’t play games (her). Speak from the heart and be honest (you).
Laying traps is a huge red flag in a relationship. Pull the uno reverse card on her. “Honestly the fact that you would lay traps to see if I will make a mistake and upset you is manipulative and toxic and I don’t think that I want to be with someone like that. I’m going to need space to think about our relationship.”
Sounds like she’s immature.
Ahhh, 20 year olds
Man, I’m 25 but all this crap feels so distant now😂
I’d say that’s how you dodge a bullet
Playing games is never a good idea
I would go low contact until she apologized. She went pain shopping and found a cute dress.
This sounds like gaslighting tbh
I’d question if I want to be with someone who sets traps and plays games…
I’m so glad I’m in my 30s, lol.
These mind games are Highschool level.
If the relationship is only a few months old you dodged a bullet finding this out early
You tell her exactly what you told us. You only said yes because you thought it’s what she wanted. You didn’t want to partake in any of that and that it would hurt you to sleep with someone else as well as her. The way you were honest with us is the way you should be honest with her! I’d go see her in person and try to talk to her. Women like when men take action and actually go see them if somethings wrong (unless they need space). Good luck OP!
Just tell her you don’t believe in being tested by someone you love and that you just want to share the wonders of this life with her.
This is very much a 20 year old couple’s fight. Lack of maturity. She shouldn’t ask questions like that and try to trap you. In the end it was a misunderstanding anyways and she’s now just in her feelings. Silly situation
honestly it was shitty of her to test you like that. people who test are toxic btw. especially given the context, there was no reason for you to think she was joking. she’s the one who needs to hold herself accountable and apologize for putting you in such a shitty position. if she things she has nothing to apologize for then walk out. also, if she really is your person she will apologize on her own without solicitation. good luck mate.
Get rid of your girlfriend’ because you don’t need that kind of drama generating game playing in your life.
Ask her if an orgy is out of the question.
You couldn’t win over her trap.
If you said no she would upset anyway because you rejected her.
I think it’s her trap to break up with you
Your girlfriend is manipulative and very childish. Setting traps like this is not ok. Don’t ask a question if you don’t think you’ll like the answer.
People who set traps for their partners and then get angry at them for falling into them lack the maturity to be in relationship.
She brought it up. You tried to be supportive despite your misgivings. What were you supposed to do? Get as angry at her for suggesting it as she is at you for going along with her suggestion? By her rules, you have every reason to be twice as angry with her, because she’s the one who brought it up as if she actually wanted it. You had no way to tell she wasn’t serious. By rights you should be the one handing her her toothbrush in a box and telling her to lose your number.
Tell her you aren’t interested in someone who plays ugly head games.
This whole thing is just is clusterfuck of immature behavior.
Her trying to “test” you by suggesting you try something she sexually disagrees with.
You not wanting to agree but agreeing to to it anyway, instead of saying no.
Her getting pissed off.
You trying to explain.
Her brick walling you.
Jesus. Now I remember why being 20 was such a misery.
My only advice is to find someone who does do this kind of “testing” shit. And find some backbone. Good luck.
Fuck that. If nothing else, show her this thread and let her see just how many people think her games are bullshit.
“Tests” like that are abusive. Full stop. Manipulation like that isn’t something I’d put up with, and you shouldn’t either.
Honestly, she played stupid games and won stupid prizes. It’s kind of not on you.
This has been a test of the Sucky Relationship System. This is only a test.
Leave her. Now. She’s the definition of a drama Queen.
Ok, here’s a tip to communicate better.
When your partner asks if you’re into trying something and you’re not ok with it, be honest and tell her that! Don’t agree to it if you don’t want it.
You should have told her, “I’m not into that. Why do you want to try it?” Then taken the conversation from there.
2 things…
One, it was ridiculous of her to trap you with a question like that. I understand how the answer would hurt her feelings if that wasnt actually what she wants, but there are better and more mature ways to go about feeling out if you and your partner want the same things from your relationship and sex. This is the way a 16 year old would go about it, I mean come on….
And two, in the future dont agree to relationship dynamics you know you dont want just for the other person. If youre monogamous and your partner is not, then you are not compatible and will only get hurt before throwing in the towel if you give it a try knowing beforehand that its not what you want. trust me.
Honestly I’m at the stage in life where I don’t have time for people that play mind games and trick partners like this . She should have just been straight up and asked you your thoughts instead of play games .
This might get downvoted but I’m seeing a lot silly responses. You shouldn’t just leave someone without hesitation for one fuck up. I agree it’s very immature….BUT THEY ARE 20???? They were teenagers literally last year. This kind of stuff happens in young relationships.
She will forgive you, she’s just being reactive. You two will very likely work it out and this will blow over. Keep your eye out for red flags moving forward, but honestly this isn’t a big deal.
it doesnt sound like either of you agreed to a threesome. it sounds like you had a simple conversation about hypotheticals which neither of you probably really anticipated ever occurring anyway.
That’s a really serious joke that’s she made did she say it in a joking tone? Or brought it up randomly like on a walk or when you two are relaxing? I think it’s just really immature to make a joke and get mad at the other person who didn’t catch on and be angry at them and completely ignore there existence for almost a day hen it was solely your fault who brought it up in the first place. But any who, hope you resolved the situation by now Op.
You both are very young still. She made a mistake playing mind games. I’m glad you 2 worked it out though. It’s very good that you set clear expectations and boundaries. It will help you both to gain in maturity.