TL;DR My girlfriend of 1.5 years is a saint but seems to be more talk than action with her mental health. She feels her work is the most important thing in the world, and we have sex drive issues. Stay or go?
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My [25M] partner [24F] and I have been together for a year and a half. We have had a wonderful relationship, but I keep finding myself more and more frustrated lately. I love her deeply and truly want to be with her, but I’m confident that it is going to require heavy compromise on my end. However, I do not want to be selfish and refuse to compromise and potentially lose a lifelong partner.
Our issues fall into three separate camps:
(1) Mental health issues:
She has extreme anxiety (her words and diagnosis from a previous therapist) to the point where almost every decision must be run past me. Every email for her work has to be spell-checked by me, every social interaction has to be discussed at length before and after, and she constantly asks for reassurance that she is not a burden. I love her very much and I know that mental health is difficult, but it has been so draining. We have talked at length about her getting professional help, and we have gotten into a cycle. She always agrees to it, and she meets with a new therapist. Then after a visit or two, she will say they don’t mesh and that she can handle it herself. She learns a new tool/strategy and improves, and then drop offs a few weeks later and reverts. I don’t know whether to continue to try and be patient or give up.
(2) Work issues:
This has been a argument point for us quite a bit. She is the daughter of a workaholic and is relatively self aware of her own tendencies to become over-invested. She leaves work on time now, but she still “vents” for nearly two hours every night about her job. I usually say one or two sentences over the time period. I have communicated that I understand that she needs to talk about her day, but it’s near impossible for me to focus on a one sided conversation like that everyday. She responds that she needs to word-vomit to clear her mind, but she will try to do it less. This usually works for a week, and then we revert back to the long sessions.
(3) Sex life issues:
In short, I have a high sex drive and she has a low one. We have talked about it at length, and she simply says that it is a part of her life that she does not want to change. The real issue is how she reacts to my advances. She constantly says I have the sex drive of a high schooler and I need to relax. However, she also says how much she enjoys that I always get turned on by her. She also gets upset and explains that she just wants to cuddle and feel appreciated, as too many men have used her in past.
My main question is this:
I know relationships require hard work and compromise. Is this a situation where I need to compromise, be patient, and work though these things, or is it a lost cause? I feel awful and sick at the idea of leaving or staying.
13 comments
Doesn’t sound good, you are definitely not the one who’s being selfish from what you’ve said.
Can you picture yourself living happily like this 20+ years from now? If the answer is yes, then stay. If the answer is no, you should probably break up.
Therapy only works if a person is dedicated to putting the long term effort in to fundamentally change the way their brain works. It’s not something you can ultimatum her into, it’s gotta come from her own desire to be better. It sounds to me like she’s incredibly emotionally codependent on you while simultaneously failing to make equivalent space for your needs (ie. her venting to you for 2 hours about work, every day, while you only get two sentences in—and how much of those two sentences are about YOU?)
Tbh the sex part is the only aspect where I’d say she’s not exclusively in the wrong. Her libido could be influenced by mental health struggles or other issues, but it might also just be lower. That’s a fundamental mismatch that you either have to accept, or decide is a dealbreaker. If you’re asking her constantly for sex or constantly turning bonding moments (like cuddling) into advances then yeah, she’s going to start to resent you and feel like you only want her for sex. The alternative is you get a feel for her sex drive and only ask for it once a week/month/whatever matches her drive. Beyond that, you’ll just have to take care of yourself and be okay with that.
To me, all of this sounds exhausting and like you two are mismatched. It also sounds like she needs to put in some serious work on herself before she’s ready for the emotional burden of an equal partnership. I had severe anxiety too, similar to your girlfriend, and I spent two years in therapy until I “graduated.” Met my girlfriend a few months later, it was love at first sight, and we’ve been together ever since. Same libido level, both of us in a healthy mental place, and we are equally fulfilled in the relationship. Neither one of us dominates in conversation or emotional weight. It’s very achievable and you shouldn’t have to settle.
Ultimatum time!
No seriously though. What I understand from this is that you need things to change for this relationship to be worthwhile in the long run. An Ultimatum is not toxic if a) what you are asking is not unreasonable and b) you actually will leave given that your terms are not fulfilled.
>Every email for her work has to be spell-checked by me
This is *completely* untenable. She has to get treatment or meds or *something*.
Bail. She sounds exhausting. I fail to see how this relationship is “wonderful” at all. I’m honestly shocked you stayed as long as you did. She has some issues she needs to work through and she seems to not want to at all. Unless you want to settle and have this be the rest of your life, time to call it.
It doesn’t sound like you’re overreacting or being selfish, and it sounds like you’ve already been extraordinarily patient. Taking two hours of your time every day to vent about work isn’t a reasonable expectation on her part; hell, venting for ONE hour every day about work would be too much. The same goes for her need to analyze every social interaction she has with you. More to the point, it doesn’t sound like she’s terribly motivated to change any of this.
Given that she’s made zero progress, you should ask yourself whether you’re willing to put up with this behavior – that is, if you’re willing to be in this relationship as it exists now – forever. If you aren’t, I would strongly suggest that you either break up with her or give her some kind of ultimatum re: getting professional help for her anxiety. The status quo doesn’t sound sustainable to me.
This relationship sounds like all give and no get. It sounds exhausting. You’re worried about being inflexible, not compromising enough. But there is such a thing as compromising *way too much,* and you’re there.
This idea that relationships are hard work is…well, not complete bullshit, but rather exaggerated. Sometimes you have to work on it, but a healthy relationship usually doesn’t feel like work at all! It’s a pleasure, and a privilege. You give from a place of abundance, with joy, because you are getting it back regularly. Sure, sometimes you have to dig deeper, sometimes you go the extra mile, but not *constantly.*
This woman is using you. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, but she’s not in a genuine relationship with you. She’s using you as an emotional tampon. She’s treating you like a thing, and not a person, especially not a person that she loves and respects.
If you weren’t there to soak up all her distress, she might face her issues and seek help. But as long as you are there suffering for her, she doesn’t have to. Is this love?
Why don’t you suggest living separately for six months so you can work on yourselves and your relationship? That could be a first step in either making changes or breaking up.
Relationships are absolutely work but NOT all the time. My SO and I have been together 12 yrs (me 35, him 33) and it’s work when we don’t see eye to eye but that isn’t all the time and the longer we are together the less “work” it’s been. Imo, that’s what a healthy relationship should be “work” wise. (I don’t see the compromising for him or going out of my way to do things for him as work bc I take pleasure in seeing him happy, so not counting those aspects of a relationship as work).
As far as the sex, you guys at your age and point in relationship where you should be having lots of sex!! You don’t even have kids at this point and you’re in your 20s… Should you stay together and procreate I promise it will get harder to make time to continue to nurture the intimate aspect of your relationship if it’s this hard now…well you get the idea..
I do have to agree with other ppl that she seems to be doing a lot of taking with very little giving. She doesn’t seem to be concerned with your needs. Perhaps she’s not as invested as you are? Perhaps she is more emotionally dependent on you as a friend and not as a romantic partner?
You are both too young to settle and it does sound like it’s time to part ways and find other ppl you are both better suited for.
I know you love her but love isn’t always going to be enough. A healthy relationship requires compromise, understanding, giving and nurturing to thrive. Doesn’t seem like you guys have that going on mutually. If you stay, over time you will become resentful and the love will diminish anyway.
Lordy this sounds like a lot. I think it’s not right for her to treat you as a therapist and refuse to go to a real one. It can take a few goes to find a therapist one gels with. SHe is using you as a fallback, not fair IMO. Also the word vomit after work? Hell NO. How do you put up with that? She realy does need to find other outlets and proff help and you would be quite within your rights to insist on that. Good luck! (may I just add; you’re a saint, – but don’t become a martyr. )
My advice was originally the 80/20 rule, but you need to establish better boundaries. Start telling her “NO” to spell checking her work, no to helping her make a decision for herself and stop her after 30 minutes of ranting about her work or have her write it out in a journal. If she just needs to vent she doesn’t need someone to listen. Also, her love language could be words of affirmation idk how often you reassure her without her asking but it might make her feel better to just offer the assurance. If the boundary setting and journaling and assurance don’t help it may be time for you to leave. I’ve had to cut off my fair share of energy vampires.
No, relationships should not take that much work. I would personally look into a therapist for yourself to look into potential issues with codependance.
No sexual compatibility, no initiative for her mental health, massive codependancies. Yep all red flags. Also the whole “i just want to cuddle men have used me in the past” but enjoying the attention of you being turned on all of the time is pretty gross. She wants the validation but doesn’t actually seem to care about your needs and gaslights you by calling you a high schooler when in reality she probably has shot her sex drive by having untreated anxiety for years and yours has stayed relatively normal.