So I (33F) have been talking to J (34M) via text, phone calls and FaceTime and we have plans to meet up in a couple weeks. We are a couple hours away from each other and busy.
We get along like a house on fire. We’re into the same hobbies, he’s funny, smart and generally it seems like a lovely person. We discuss books, movies, politics, things to do, it’s great! He has seven cats, which is a bummer because I’m very allergic to cats but not a deal breaker at all, and he possibly drinks too much. However J is into some things that I’m not so into. He has said he wanted to urinate on me, “beat me”, wants me to call him daddy and be his good girl, and some specific things that would be painful. I communicated that I do not want to be peed on, call him daddy, be beaten, experience a lot of pain, etc. He has said that’s fine, he would be more than happy to participate in some of the things I’m more interested in and it’s not a deal breaker at all. However, I think he gets drunk and goes on really long sexting rants where he insists I call him daddy, he writes about peeing in my mouth, beating me, etc. I told him he’s crossing my boundaries that I’ve communicated and it’s a problem for me. He’s apologized profusely says he would only be gentle in person and said he was sorry, he only wrote that because I asked what he was thinking about and he turned it into an erotic BDSM novella. He’s said he’s in love with me and I have feelings for him as well but not at the level he’s been saying yet.
It seems so unreasonable to break things off for this after talking to him so I’m questioning my judgement. Thanks for any advice you can offer!
33 comments
There are a *ton* of red flags here… Seems like you already know that him ignoring your boundaries when you already said you weren’t comfortable with that stuff is a red flag. So was starting it in the first place without making sure you were okay with it.
And so is being *in love* with someone he’s literally never even met.
I would be jumping ship so hard right now.
You and he are not on the same wavelength erotically. It would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t think you should even meet him, frankly.
Run.
Forget the rest, you haven’t even met in person and this man is telling you he loves you?
I mean if you haven’t even met him yet it would be bold to brush it off, the kink is extreme and you can’t tell if he’s gonna have as much of a hard time forgetting about it IRL than he does through text
This man is unhinged. He’s never met you and thinks he loves you? He sounds like the type of guy to lock you up in his basement.
Why is this even a debatable question for you?
If someone makes you uncomfortable and ignores your boundaries when you’re just talking, what do you think they’ll do in person?
Don’t turn yourself into a victim just because you’re lonely.
Also, anytime you start “talking to someone” and know they have a drinking (and/or drug) problem, walk away. Don’t try to go it at like you’re going to fix them. You’re not. You will hurt yourself trying. They have to WANT to fix themselves.
Also… just to reiterate, I’m astounded that this wasn’t a no-brainer for you! Don’t make yourself a victim when it is entirely avoidable!
It would be UNREASONABLE to keep talking to someone who lovebombs and tramples boundaries before even meeting you.
Nope nope nope nope nope. That’s a no from me dawg. Absolutely for so many reasons do not continue this relationship, do not meet up in person, and do not give him info about where exactly you live if you haven’t already.
Yeah I don’t think you need my help here. I’d suggest rereading your post but imagine it’s someone else’s and you’re just here to give advice.
He wants to beat you up and you are questioning your judgment? Girl he wants to beat you, tie you up, and urinate in your mouth. Dating hasn’t changed that much in 10 years. You should have stopped communicating the first time he brought it up. Tell him you are not into the same things then block him. No need to be polite. He sounds dangerous.
oh come on…
Sounds like you’re going to get a beating
His kinks aren’t going to change , he will definitely try it
OP are you okay?? Why the fuck are you still talking to this person? Block them! You’re not overreacting. The way this person spoke to you after you laid out boundaries is not okay. You are 33 and can make decisions for yourself. You don’t need our permission. Please listen to your gut next time.
How long have y’all been talking? I thought it was pretty strange having this man say he loves you when not meeting in real life. Urination can be a reasonable kink for some, personally, I don’t know if I would do it. But I know it’s in the BDSM scene, now for…beatings, I am not one to judge, but that does sound concerning, considering that he hasn’t met you and feels that comfortable with expressing such an extreme kink. Listen, seems too early on to be expressing such sexual desires and such boundaries already being crossed. It’s not okay and I’m assuming it’s pretty early onto the relationship, and it already doesn’t seem like it’ll be good or work out. He doesn’t respect boundaries or he just needs someone that is as extreme sexually as he is, either way this isn’t a match.
Ew. Also, never date an alcoholic. Guaranteed misery. If this is what he’s telling you, it’s only going to get worse in person.
You think it’s unreasonable to break things off with a person you’ve only ever chatted with & have never met in person; who doesn’t respect your boundaries and often makes you very uncomfortable…
Yet him doing these things is what? Reasonable to you?
This person seems to have so many red flags… they might need to be put on a watch list.
You are asking if you should completely trust someone you’ve never actually met? Short answer, no.
Longer answer, why should you?
Explanatory answer:
You should probably be more than a little afraid. He drinks too much and can’t control his sexting. What makes you think he will respect your actual physical boundaries? He’s very unlikely to respect your wishes. This is a dangerous situation. Please break this off before it’s too late.
Sexually incompatible. Move on.
Girl, there are so many red flags here and you are being blinded by the possibilities instead of the reality. Continuing to talk about graphic BDSM when you aren’t into it and told him to stop scares me.
If you do decide to meet him in person, which I don’t think you should do, please please please be safe. Make sure you have your own car, your own place to stay, don’t let him stay with you, don’t drink too much and don’t let him make your drinks.
Be safe!
I had a similar relationship with someone for a couple of months. We got along super well, became really close etc. There were phone calls, texts, video chat
When things were sexual though, he completely respected my boundaries. If there was something he wasn’t sure about he would put it like “would you let me…..?” Or “would you enjoy….?” Not just assume I’d like it. To be fair I’m probably kinkier than he was, but still, you’ve told his guy that you don’t want those things! That should be the end of it!
I’d be super wary of meeting someone who couldn’t respect my boundaries from a distance. I’d feel like they definitely wouldn’t in person
There are 7 billion people in the world. And this isn’t the one for you. Move on, keep fishing and you’ll find your person who doesn’t get off on the idea of pissing in your mouth and beating you
Honestly I would either cease communication promptly, gradually fade away communication if you think you can, or only talk to him online because the red flags are there. I’ve gotten better over time w red flags but all my friends and family when meeting any guy that was questionable, they’ve ALWAYS been right
This guy is a huge red flag, 😳 sorry to say it but I would leave it there, if I were you. I knew a guy like him once, and he isn’t kidding… he is testing your boundaries to see what he can keep getting away with.
He does X, knowing you are uncomfortable, you get upset, he apologizes, you forgive, and he will do X again plus Y. And the cycle will continue. Find a man that respects you and your boundaries.
What are you thinking.Just thin about the things he would like to do to you he has yet to vocalize…and an alcoholic on top of it. RUN!
If he’s gonna whoop your ass over nothing when you say no it’s pretty reasonable to keep your clothes on and block him
Porn addicts man…
Reminds me of the tifu post where the guy suddenly started peeing in the posters mouth.. op, hope he does not have your address
Yo! Run! Speed should be your middle name rn.
Bail.
Dude sounds like he’s got issues.
This chap does show a few yellow flags as youve not met yet and are texting/facetiming as over a device perhaps fantasy can go a little overboard. Personally Id still meet up but be safe (meet somewhere public, tell a friend who your meeting, arrange the ol 10-11pm phone call etc) and NEVER play drunk. Id go perhaps for a vanilla 1st date perhaps a meal and see if he can stick to non alcaholic drinks and see how it goes. If you get a bad feeling about him drive home you have no obligation to stay.
Oh he’s a sadist fs 😭😭 might as well find a girl/guy that’s into that..but he doesn’t need to act on said impulses if he has self control (towards you) gl with that
Please stay away from him. This is toxic behaviour and believe even if you meet and everything looks perfects someday all these things will come up Into surface.
Please please be careful and lose contact.
We are not in 50 shades of gray and this type of guy never changes irl.
So, you’ve already expressed that you’re not really comfortable talking about this kind of stuff, and he’s still bringing it up anyway? Meaning he’s already showing you that he has a hard time hearing/respecting boundaries?