gotcha with the title huh. well it’s not simple as that, obviously, but it’s a long story and I had no idea how to shorten it for the title. let’s cut to the chase.
I’m 25 and still a virgin. I was a late bloomer, got my first kiss at 19 and never had a relationship because of my extremely high standards. despite all that, my parents were never the strict type. in fact, the have always been really liberal, leaving most decisions up to me from a young age, as long as I was safe. anyways, they never had “the talk” with me, and when they brought up the relationship top it was always as a joke, usually because of my high standards. my mum has asked me many times if I was gay (I’m bissexual but she doesn’t know either lol), but never asked if I had a boyfriend. whenever I was feeling sad because of a boy, I never told her that was the reason, Id just make up something else. my psychologist constantly suggests that I take initiative to get close to my mom, but it frightens me to the bone to talk about those topics with her.
anyways, even though I’m a virgin I have a libido right and I go out with guys sometimes and whenever we get to the point where I know he’s probably gonna want to have sex with me I start avoiding it. I know all contraceptive methods and stuff about safe sex, but how to go after that without my parents knowing? I don’t want to take pills bc I’m aware of the side effects, but idk I’d like to get an IUD but how will I buy that and get the medical appointment without her knowledge, since she always asks me everything about my life and I don’t know how to lie? I have hard enough time lying to her when I go out on dates, because I’m embarrassed of it… it’s not like she would freak out or keep me from going, it’s just that it’s… embarrassing y’know? am I being silly? I don’t know it’s just overwhelming. I know that sex isn’t that much of a big deal, but it involves a lot of big deals, mainly health stuff, and I definitely DO NOT want to get pregnant or an STD.
I guess the best ppl to help me out in this case would be parents of people my age actually lol.
TL;DR: I’m a virgin who wants to have safe sex but I don’t want my mother to know I’m having sex because I think it’s embarrassing
19 comments
lol yes your title got me. could it be that you just are not ready yet? when you get to the point with the right person and you get to that point in the relationship not just evening it will happen naturally.
it does however sound like you have built some walls around yourself for protection from the outside world (your family included.) would you agree this is the case?
If you need to see your doctor would you not just make an appointment and go? I don’t see what your mother has to do with that. Condoms you can buy at the drug store.
You are being silly about this stuff. At your age your mother wants to see you going on dates. You’re a grown woman and the more you conceal from her the more she’s going to start worrying about you.
Condoms are the only method that will protect you from STIs. If your partner isn’t willing to use them, they aren’t the right partner for you. You don’t need to see a doctor to buy them, and your partner probably will have their own.
You’re under no obligation to share any details about your sex life with your mother. If she’s not going to freak out remember your mum has had sex at least once and it might not be a big deal for her as it is for you. Sex can absolutely be a big deal, your views on how much of a deal it is, is up to you.
If you want to have sex, have sex. If you don’t think you’re ready it might pay to slow down. Being a virgin doesn’t make you weird or anything. It very much sound like you’re not ready for that sort of relationship with someone else.
So, ok you should probably talk to your mom. She’s wondering what’s up with you and probably doesn’t know how to ask. In the meantime, you can answer questions from them without lying. You go make a Dr appointment and when they ask where you are going, “I’m going to an appointment”. Once you have protection, how to have sex… well when you decide this is someone you apwant to be intimate with, the only way for it to work is if you talk to them. If you can’t say that you’ve not had a partner before and aren’t sure how to proceed, if they don’t take that well, they aren’t the right person. You are walking in the world trying to figure out how to be an adult without talking to anyone. Guess what? You learn by asking questions. And most people won’t think badly of you. Look what you did here. You asked a question. See how that works? Try doing that offline. Start with mom.
You seem to have a weird relationship dynamic with your parents. You’re 25 and they likely assume you will date and have doctor checkups etc. You don’t have to share this info with them. I can understand letting them know if you’re staying the night elsewhere so they don’t worry, but that’s it.
Also, you can outright just say you’re a virgin and feeling a lot of anxiety around the issue when things are going well with someone. Have sex when it feels right.
It doesn’t sound like you are ready and that’s OK. Be upfront with partners that you haven’t had sex before and want to take it slow. Any partner who doesn’t respect that is not the partner for you.
In terms of birth control, schedule an appointment with your doctor. If you tell your mom and she asks what for say it’s a routine exam.
When you do have sex make sure your partner uses a condom to protect you from STIs. If they refuse or try to convince you otherwise, don’t have sex with them. A strict no glove, no love policy. The right person to have sex with will not try to get around your boundaries.
Your parents may not think of you as an adult but that doesn’t mean you aren’t and shouldn’t act like it. You will always be their child but you are not a child. It can be a difficult transition for a parent to make but to secure a healthy relationship longterm it is key. You need to be firm with your boundaries to support this transition.
Just because a medication has the potential for side effects doesn’t mean that YOU will experience any of them. Plenty of women take birth control pills with no side effects. You have no way of knowing if you might experience anything without actually using the medicine.
Lady, you’re on the down slope to 30. You need to create some space and boundaries here between you and your parents.
You are 25. None of it is their business. Unless you want to share it… not a pressure to feel like you have to.
Condoms. Easiest ngl
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You’re 25. It’s not embarrassing or taboo for your mum to suspect you’re having sex. Just go get some contraception!
Parent here. First of all, I am proud of your way of living your life, congratulations! I will be brief:
– don’t take birth control pills.
– I wouldn’t suggest the IUD either, check what happened with pregnancy under IUD.
– wait to find your true love, start living together first, for a couple of months and if you feel happy and loved, you can sleep with him.
– use only local protection to avoid pregnancy.
– be faithful
and you will have a dream life.
Success!
Also I would just stick to condoms for now. They’re cheap, everywhere and don’t have complications. Also they protect against STDs
Some women don’t do well with the IUDs (even the non hormonal one) or have to have them readjusted if they shift. There’s no reason to taking this on when you’re not even having sex.
If you get into a monogamous relationship and choose to get tested and forgo condoms, maybe then an IUD should be considered.
You should be getting yearly “well woman exams” by this age, whether you’ve had sex or not. If you are in the US, this is a free exam (besides the office copay) so look online or call your insurance to find an OBGYN. This will be a great doctor for you to talk with as they can answer any sexual health questions you may have.
As far as birth control, there are so many options now and your OBGYN can talk with you about all of the different ones. Birth control pills works for MANY women without bad side effects and there are many different formulations that you can try until you find something that works for you.
there’s always condoms girly I wouldn’t feel embarrassed for being a virgin at that age I wish I was I’m only 19 and I regret almost every partner I ever had. I would wear it with pride. but also you’re not a minor anymore your mom can’t control what you do with your body I know it’s a very hard thing to tell your mom because trust me I’ve been there but at some point she’s gonna have to let you go. and trust me sex is a big deal I know that people don’t think it is but it truly is and what’s so you’re still on her insurance plan you’re over the age of 18 if you don’t want your doctor saying anything she legally can’t so if you wanna go set that appointment up make that appointment and also just because you get one doesn’t mean you’re going to have sex they can be beneficial for cramps and other things. if you really don’t wanna lie then just say you got it because you’re having bad cramps or something. or just tell the truth what’s the worst she can do.
Embarassed about sex? Worry about it when you move out of mommy’s basement.
You are embarrassed to say you go on dates.
You are embarrassed to get an IUD.
You are very immature.
And then you say sex is not a big deal. You know nothing. Sex is a very big deal. SMH.
I don’t see why your sex life would be any of your parents’ business in the first place given you’re an adult. Also, it’s sex. There’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about if you do feel the need to tell your parents about it for whatever reason. From the sounds of it, they’re pretty chilled people.
So why do you want to sleep with man? I mean you are Bi and got options 🙂