Dated a nice, divorced guy who I had a strong connection with. However, he was a bit flaky, liked to sext a lot, and said on our first date that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but would be open to it with the right person. I didn’t ask for clarification and just went along with it. We had two great dates all initiated by him at the last minute.
I tried asking him out for a third date twice in two weeks, but he was busy both times and didn’t attempt to reschedule. He texted me a few days later the night before my birthday asking to me hang out last minute. Upon arrival, it’s straight to the bedroom to hook up, and the sex ends up being terrible due to my lack of experience and not being able to tell if he was interested. Afterwards, we spent the night and talked about the future and his previous relationships, but our communication began to get passive aggressive and toxic. I got so frustrated at one point that I told him that I had gone on a date with another guy two days prior, and he was visibly hurt and frustrated. He’s still been texting me, but I don’t think it’s going to work out.
Obviously, I’m the one at fault here for not communicating my needs effectively and agreeing to hang out when I wasn’t in a good headspace, but has anyone else had something similar happen, and what are some specific ways that I can prevent something like this from happening in the future? Thanks!
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> he was a bit flaky, liked to sext a lot, and said on our first date that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but would be open to it with the right person.
> all initiated by him at the last minute.
> he was busy both times and didn’t attempt to reschedule.
> asking to me hang out last minute.
Peace out when any of that stuff starts happening
You offered a lot in your own description of the events that demonstrates in my mind that you actually do have a grasp of the negative signs. So maybe just consider it a little more and come up with a few expectations for your dating the next time around. Making mistakes is natural but to avoid repeating them we have to take stock and learn from them. It’s a good thing to advocate for yourself.
From what I read, he wants something casual and readily available on his own time. If this is not what you are looking for, save yourself the time and emotions and walk away. You’d be doing yourself a disservice prusuing this.
>Obviously, I’m the one at fault here for not communicating my needs effectively
Hey, communication is great and all, but at a certain point you can’t talk your way around someone’s flakiness, their ambivalence, or their lack of reciprocation.
You could have put on a whole TED Talk about your needs and it wouldn’t have transformed this guy into someone compatible.
In cases like this, what you need to do is read the writing on the wall and keep walking.
ah, this guy sounds like me in a lot of ways. or, how I used to talk at least.
this guy’s goal, if I’m reading this right, is to have sex frequently with different women. that’s fine. however, what this guy doesn’t understand is that keeping women guessing, or stringing them along with “I’m not looking for a relationship but I’m open to one” is not only dishonest and cruel, but needless. women tend to be really good at handling the truth. they’re not so fragile and delicate in their sensibilities. if he had just told you, “hey I’m just looking to have fun,” you could have made an informed decision about whether to bother with him or not.
unfortunately, most guys who are looking for sex will talk like this guy. what you’ll want to watch out for is ambiguity in talking about what they want. non-direct answers mean they’re trying not to scare you off with a direct answer. you should take anything other than “i am looking for something serious” as “i am not looking for anything serious but do want to hook up.”
Good rule of thumb, when someone cancels a date on you, if they don’t provide a hard deadline for themselves (examples: “Can you do next Friday instead?” “I’m busy but I’ll have a clear idea of when I can meet this Wednesday. Is it ok if I message you then?”), then move on. They aren’t that interested if they aren’t planning on rescheduling immediately. Think about yourself. Have you ever been sincerely excited to see someone, had to cancel for a legitimate reason, and then not actually attempted to reschedule?
>Obviously, I’m the one at fault here for not communicating my needs effectively and agreeing to hang out when I wasn’t in a good headspace
Lesson learned, but don’t beat yourself up. He’s been putting in minimal effort with the expectation that you’re going to be exclusively available for his convenient sex.
> what are some specific ways that I can prevent something like this from happening in the future?
I think you know the red flags now, you called them out yourself. About a decade ago I had my first “used for sex” fling where I liked a young lady, and she basically just booty called me to come over for “Roku and chill” (the OG of Netflix watching hookups) for several months but would just blow me off whenever she had other things going on.
If you’re alright with that, just make sure you manage your expectations on the front end. It sounds like you’re not, so just cleanly break things off and move on. It already sounds like the dude’s mood has been poisoned by your not being an exclusive booty call, so there’s nothing left to salvage.
Also, in terms of future relationships, make sure you get a couple of dates in and actually enjoy each other’s non-sexual company before sex is on the table. Don’t engage for last minute half-assed invites and sex at first, because otherwise you’ve set the expectation that it’s normal and people will assume that’ll be the case going forward.
Mmmm I’ve been here before. Sounds like he wants a situationship or hook up situation.
Yes this type of thing has happened to me, and the way to prevent it is simple: when someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! To be frank, he wasn’t giving you any positive signs here. Both his words and actions said he was not available and/or not interested. You picked up on it but you didn’t listen and forged ahead. All you have to do next time is heed the obvious incompatibility and move on.
36m
I read this as the guy was using you for convenience and sex and got defensive when he found out he might need to put in a little work to keep you around.
not your fault at all.
I strongly suggest investing time in someone with a similar relationship goal and being more direct about yours on the 1st date or 2
The entire first paragraph is red flags to me.
Then your post ends assuming you’re at fault. I don’t think so at all. The only thing I can see you may need to work on is recognizing the flags early, and bouncing <3
Seems like you already know the way to prevent it. Communicate your needs effectively. Realizing where you go wrong is one thing. Actually doing something about it is a different thing.
This is basically 50% of men on OLD. 😂
I mean dudes flakey and then gets pissed that you’re still seeing others.
Idk what you have to be embarrassed about?
Having better boundaries and standards from the beginning is the only way to avoid situations like this. Maybe do a better job of trusting your instincts because you identified a lot of negative/red flag behavior you just failed to act on it.
Sorry but I don’t get the problem with not looking for a relationship but would be open with the right person? I wasn’t looking and haven’t seen anyone else since I met my partner because I was open with the right person.
Dudes looking for a relationship are rarely relaxed and got their shit together, but you have to be open to meeting the right person and not have your walls up.
He would have strung you along, OP. These days I’m very wary of that type of answer “…open with the right person,” aka “I just give you false hope”
1) First and foremost do some soul searching and clearly establish with yourself what you are looking for and stick with it. This is how you create a boundary. And what do you do with boundaries? You just don’t cross ‘em. But this also sets up an expectation for yourself to not settle for less. When you meet up with someone as a potential date, the FIRST question should be: Are you looking for [insert what you are looking for]? If the answer is no or any variation of “I’m just going with the flow”, “I don’t know”, “I just want some fun we’ll see where things lead” DIP OUTTA THERE! (unless you want a fling then there’s your answer).
2) Dates should be meaningful with planning being apart of it. Dates that are stuck at someone’s house that lead to sex with nothing more is literally not a date, it’s a hookup. Dates that are also very last minute is also disrespectful because they do not value your time/schedule. Don’t let anyone treat you like a hookup and don’t let anyone waste your time. If someone is trying to do that, you decline altogether because that does not deserve your energy. If anyone really wants to see you they aren’t going to booty call you at 10pm-2am.
3) Everyone can say anything about everything. They can talk your ear off with how beautiful and pretty you are and how they want a future with you but words mean nothing if they can’t back it up with actions! So if you notice that someone is saying one thing and doing another that is very important to pay attention to. Do not ignore it because you’re missing their character being exposed right in front of you.
4) Listen to your gut, if you aren’t happy or you feel like something is off then it’s best to just break things off and move along. Putting up with BS to see the good in someone is NOT healthy whatsoever.
Edit:
5) There’s no reason to rush the process. I know it may be a lonely journey and the urge to settle down when you find a possible good one is strong but rushing is often the pitfalls of many early relationships. You know nothing of this person and by not allowing time to see what they are really like, you may ultimately commit to someone who is just horrid at the core and by the time you find out, it’ll be too late to salvage any wasted resources or worse a divorce.
I’ve had some people trying to make last minute appointments with me. It results in an instant unmatch. I’m not anybody’s time filler.
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You’re being too available to a guy that is not willing to commit to you.
You’re not in the wrong for not communicating or any lack of experience. But I would look back at why you lowered your boundaries for someone who had so many red flags and seemed pretty clearly not what you wanted.
Anyway, lesson learned. Keep looking. Also, happy birthday.
I’m sorry this happened.
If you met him on a dating site, at least now you know the red flag words: “Not looking for a relationship but would be open to it with right person.” 🚩
I would suggest cut it as soon as someone says that. They know you’re dating with the intent to find someone to go into a relationship. It’s a bummer there are so many people that are comfortable disrespecting/wasting other people’s time. 🤷🏻♀️
Why did you sleep with him? Please wait next time. If someone is too busy for you then let them go. Reaching out at the last minute and just going straight to sex isn’t a good start at all.
Best of luck.
The content / context of conversation going toxic & passive aggressive is the key here. I don’t think your going to find any substantial or significant answers to your dilema without going into whatever happened there.
He’s not worth your time and effort. If you’re into him and considering a serious long-term relationship, then please dump him. He’s only using you for sex.
I should be a dick like this guy, maybe the women I date will start admitting their shortcomings.
Sexting, last-minute dates, not attempting to reschedule, saying he doesn’t want a relationship and discussing exes* are red flags for me.
*They mention ex-girlfriends to imply that they have had relationships in the past, and that you might be the next girlfriend if you play your cards right. If you ever meet these “ex-girlfriends”, they usually turn out to be some poor girl they’ve messed around for months/years without putting a label on it. They only refer to them as “girlfriend” once they’re an ex.
The best way to prevent this in the future is to listen to what a guy tells you and listen to his actions.
This guy told you on the first date he is not looking for a relationship. If you are looking for a relationship then that should have been the last date. Then his actions backed up his statement that he is not looking for a relationship. He started sexting you early on. He was flakey. He declined two dates with you. He invited you over to his place last minute. All these are signs that he is just looking for a hookup. These were all clear signs to bail. Now that you had this experience, it will be easier to spot it in the future and bail if it happens with someone else.