I feel like trying for a baby has ruined our relationship.
We didn’t have the most busy sex life but I always enjoyed the quality over the quantity and I enjoyed our times together. He never seemed to be unhappy about it, though his sex drive did increase with a change of jobs and I felt like I couldn’t keep up.
We started trying for a baby and it wasn’t as easy as we’d naively hoped. And I get how hard it is to come when there’s pressure and it was difficult. I don’t think he’s ever found it that easy to come from PIV sex. Other things were always easier.
And now he’s taken it as a criticism of our whole sex life that he had previously been happy with. Blaming our infrequency on making the need for increased frequency so much harder. And now for months we’ve had to stop trying and yet we go round and round in circles and it doesn’t actually feel like he wants to try having more sex or doing anythign to improve our relationship, he certainly doesn’t initiate it and I just seem to get it wrong if I try.
And he’s doing nothing to improve things. And im getting increasingly stressed due to my age (33) and my suspicions that we are going to have fertility problems. And he acts like I’m overthinking my age like we have all the time in the world.
And there are now so many problems between us. And now he doesn’t want to go on holiday or anything until we’re just perfect again. Except I really need a holiday for us to get away and be together again to help improve things.
Tl;Dr I just want to know – trying for a baby is sometimes hard work isn’t it? It’s not supposed to be a sign of failure as a couple. I just feel like we’re on the verge of collapse and how did it come to this.
13 comments
Pleaseeeee try couples counseling/therapy. Please. đź’ś It sounds like you could really use some support in reconnecting with one another.
This is the easy part. Things are going to get a whole lot harder if you become parents.
You two are stressing too hard. You’re turning sex into a job. Try to loosen up, remind yourselves and eachother that it’s not a chore. Reinvest emotion into eachother, put having a baby out of your minds altogether when you’re having sex, instead focus on helping one another enjoy sex with eachother. Dont be on a schedule, or time. If you continue to not get pregnant, you may need to talk to your doctor or a pregnancy consultant.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you’ll get more informed and compassionate advice on r/tfab or r/infertility. Best of luck to you!
No, didn’t even know who I was dating at the time even started trying.
So much of this depends on more context. For example:
-Do you both really want children right now or is one of you the primary instigator of the plan to be trying?
-Have you discussed what you’re both willing and able to do if fertility is a concern? (adoption, IVF, etc.)
-How long have you been trying?
-Have the two of you seen doctors? Do you actually know what your fertility looks like or is this all based on the fact that you haven’t gotten pregnant yet?
-When you say trying, does that mean you’ve consistently both been having the kind of sex that is likely to get you pregnant at the right times, or is his difficulty with performance also a factor?
-Is he struggling to ejaculate outside of PIV sex? And, if not, would a turkey baster method take some of the pressure off both of you?
It sounds like a lot of different things are in order. First off, you can see a doctor regardless of how on board he is. Stop coming from a place of anxiety about your window and get the actual facts. You’re 33. Maybe you do need to do this asap and be trying every month, and maybe not (it’s also possible you have years still). A specialist can help you address that fear in a more realistic way. Once you’ve got good medical data you can chose to involve him in hearing it from a doctor and/or getting his own testing done.
Second, couples therapy absolutely makes sense, as does individual. He should be addressing the performance anxiety, you should be addressing the fertility anxiety, both of you should be addressing the loss of connectivity between the two of you.
Third, you both need to sit back down and discuss your plan to have children. This may mean asking hard questions like “if we learn we can’t get pregnant naturally, what next?” Having these discussions, even if painful and distressing at first, will help you figure out what options are available and re-orient both of you to your goals and future together as a couple.
Fourth, take three months off. Three months off is unlikely to make that big of a difference and stress is likely a factor in all of this. Work on just enjoying each other sexually for a few months while you sort out the rest. You both need to reset. He’s clearly not even feeling comfortable enough in the relationship to want to travel with you, time to work on his comfort a little bit.
Fifth, if you’re still struggling and infertility is confirmed, find a support group. It’ll help normalize that this is sometimes hard and stressful and that that’s okay.
Are both of you fully aware a baby is just going to exacerbate that?
Don’t stress. Focus on your relationship. Spend time just the 2 of you like when you met and first started dating. You are putting too much stress on trying for a baby. You both need to be happy before you get pregnant. As other people said, try counseling.
And as for trying for a baby, when you are ready try Pregmate ovulation test strips. When my husband and I started trying after we got married, we thought it would be easy. Months later and no luck, starting having doubts myself. Especially since I am 33. My best friend recommended these and bought me a pack from Amazon because she knew how badly I wanted a baby. 2 months using this to track when I was ovulating and I got pregnant. Now 12 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be happier. During all these months, I kept stressing and wondering what was wrong. My husband was so optimistic during it all saying it will happen when the time is right. He kept me rooted and knowing he was by my side through all this helped.
But you are both unhappy and stressed right now, so you need to work on that before bringing a baby into the world. You need to make sure you are both ready for the ups and downs of life and having a baby.
Trying for a baby tested my relationship in ways I never thought possible. I don’t think you’re going to find the best advice on this sub though- people will probably just tell you to “relax” and “stop stressing” which is like the worst thing you can tell someone in this position. I would suggest checking out r/infertility or I think there’s a trying for a baby sub as well!
i wud just not cooperate and stay childfree i cant handle this stress
I am so sorry that you are facing this struggle.
Trying to get pregnant can be really hard and really test your relationship. Infertility struggles took hard toll to my mental health. My SO was my rock during that time.
It is awful to hope for something that may never come. That feeling can really consume you. I suggest that you look for support groups, it really helps to talk with others who get what it is. Support helps to ease those “this is eating me alive” -feelings.
Talking about infertility with your SO can be difficult. It was for me because there was this looming shame and pain over me, but open communication is the key. You need to talk about how you feel and what kind of steps you are ready to take; when do you want to seek for professional help and what kind of help you feel you are ok to start looking for (mental help, medical help etc).
I hope you can find good support and good connection with your SO.
Key words “naively hoped”. You should not do it.
I am quite “lucky” in that I am quite fertile and become pregnant within 1-2 months of trying. The problem I had was carrying to term and surgeries I needed in order to do so. Miscarriages were also a factor that emotionally and mentally affected us.
Though frequency doss help, knowing your cycle also is helpful. Remember, it can take up to a year to conceive, so stop putting so much pressure on yourselves. It will happen.