I’ve (29F) been dating my boyfriend (29M) for 5 months now and things have been great. However, I notice I’m more keen to spend time together than he is – he’s shared he needs a lot of alone time to sort out his problems/life admin and unwind and I always encourage that as I want him to recharge and be happy. Sometimes at his house, I even say things like ‘feel free to go work on your table, I’m fine just chilling here’. However, I can’t help but feel hurt and worried that I care about him more than he cares about me. We haven’t said I love you yet (I still feel insecure in his feelings for me so I’m scared to say it). I’ve met his family and he just took me on a weekend away together.
This week, I spent Wed & Thurs night at his house (working all Thursday though so not really time together) and left early Friday morning for work. I purposefully made myself busy on Friday night with my sister so he’d have time with friends. I asked if he wanted to hang out Sat night but he said he wants to put some time into himself for chores/gym but we can play a video game remotely Sunday (so me not at his place). I acted totally fine with it (and I want to be) but I felt hurt that he didn’t want me there at all and wants the whole weekend to himself. I live an hour away so if I don’t stay Sat night, we won’t see each other at all this weekend. Is it normal to feel hurt that he didn’t want to see me at all in person this weekend? He already had Monday, Tuesday and Friday to himself so that means I only got to see him 2 days this week. He’s about to go away for a month too so I feel worried that he doesn’t value out time together as much but I don’t want to be that girlfriend that gets in the way of his recharge time.
Tl;dr how can I not take it personally when my boyfriend chooses time alone instead of with me?
1 comment
I think I’ve lived this one. It’s okay that you’re feeling hurt by his actions; your need for quality time isn’t being met. It can feel very scary to be more invested in the relationship than your partner, too. It sounds like you’re still expressing that in a healthy way that respects the boundaries he has for himself. Choosing to give space when someone needs it is an act of love
You can talk to him about it, if he’s receptive. I really like the positive-approach based goal you used; asking to hang out Saturday, instead of telling him where he’s falling short. If you do talk to him, setting positive goals is the way to go.
My partner is a single parent and sole provider for her family, and lives with cptsd; so I fully empathize with your position. It can hurt when she decides to spend the only day we’re both free and she has childcare flipping through Facebook on her phone and reading the news. I kind of feel like making time for our relationship is more important than that
But, like you said about your partner, she needs time to recharge and relax and just enjoy a few hours where nobody expects anything from her. So I’ve adapted; we’ll work in parallel without speaking much for an evening, but we make a point to cuddle and chat for 10 or 20 minutes at the end of it. That’s been a compromise that helps me feel more secure in the relationship
Also: the thing that helps the most is just spending time with friends, enjoying hobbies, and being involved in the community. If I let our relationship overshadow me as an individual, then of course I’m going to feel an existential crisis if it’s not perfect. I’ve learned that I can’t put all my eggs in that one basket
Mm. Think about what you need from him to feel valued. Recognize and respect that he might need that time to care for himself; and I can see that you’re trying to do that. And think about what you’re willing to accept; your needs matter too, and it is a problem that they’re not being met.