So I (F/33)met this guy (M/46) on a dating app and we have been chatting casually for over a month now.. We both share so many things in common and have talked about meeting each other in person soon..He usually is the first person to text me every morning,is very responsive to my messages,etc.
I am divorced and have two kids and he has never been in a long term relationship in years and he has made it clear that he is looking for something long term and serious..
A week ago he asked me to give him some time to think things through..Now I dont know what exactly he wants to think through but he has told me he has some serious thinking to do before we actually meet up in person.. I told him ok sure And we can talk anytime..
What could this possibly mean?Maybe he is not so keen on meeting me?
50 comments
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I don’t know what it means, but try to not be invested in someone before actually meeting them in person. People are different in person than on the chat or even talking on the phone. If you haven’t met him yet you will be filling in all the blanks and may be disappointed when you finally meet in real life.
Is there a reason it’s taken over a month to go on a date?
> What could this possibly mean?Maybe he is not so keen on meeting me?
You mention in a comment that you are long distance penpals. Often when someone long distance withdraws & you’ve not yet met, they’re interacting with someone local that they want to focus on. It’s more about proximity than anything personal.
r/LongDistance and r/LDR are good support subs for people thinking about long distance relationships. The reality is that the ones that start off long distance (as opposed to an established couple being apart for awhile) rarely make it long term. A common theme is that one or both partners will fall for an idealized or fantasy version of a person & the relationship often fizzles soon after the first meet or sexual encounter when either the gap with reality or the logistics of the distance become cumbersome.
As someone who used to gravitate towards LDRs, I think they can be very appealing to people who aren’t “available” either emotionally or in terms of prioritizing work and things outside of a relationship. You can interact with someone on your terms & have an easy out (“the distance is too much with everything I have going on”) when it suits. One thing that’s kind of addictive about LDRs is that the honeymoon period can be prolonged because when you do see each other, it’s like a mini vacation since you both have to plan and set aside time to meet. There’s also this “star crossed lovers” aspect that can feel very romantic so you’re inclined to ignore incompatibilities initially.
Move on. It shouldnt take a month to just hang out
As someone that has dated men a lot older than me – don’t date men a lot older than you. The long distance things sounds like a nightmare too and now this “think things through”
Cut your loses and find someone closer to your age that actually lives near you.
Ugh I dated someone when I was 29 and he was 43. It was somewhat long distance too (he travelled A LOT for work). Little I knew before, that this crazy attraction and constant online contact online had little to do with actual intimacy. We both were sooo emotionally unavailable. He hasn’t dated anyone after me and now, more than 2 years later he is involved with a married 32F who lives in another country 😀 seriously though, age difference might work, but this kind of early over-complication (think things through before you even meet)?
Even though I, too, would be tempted to come up with all kinds of assumptions of why he’s taking time and to think about what, I (now) always try to turn the focus inward, i.e., why am I being attracted to someone unavailable? And since I can’t quite control to whom I’m attracted due to my old conditioning (answer to the first question): why am I CHOOSING to date someone unavailable?
maybe youre being catfshed?
I think it’s a bit premature to be texting every morning if you haven’t met up yet. I also wouldn’t describe that as “casually texting.” It’s possible you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself. I hope it works out.
Don’t think about it too much, it’s possible he’s got issues. Meeting up will probably give you lots of insight, just be sure to do so safely
Pretty hard to give serious consideration of a future to someone you’ve never met in person. What is he hoping for? You’re legally binding word that you want a long term commitment before he shows you who he really is??!
Nah girl, the most I’d say is that I’m open to long term if the in person connection is there.
If that’s not good enough for him then keep looking.
I would just take him at his word, and he’s just thinking things through in terms of what he wants. Give him time, and if a first date never materializes, unmatch and move on
I would exit this situation. Anyone that needs time to seriously think before grabbing a cup of coffee is likely a weirdo. It’s not a marriage proposal. It’s a first date to see if you vibe. This is why I strongly discourage people from lots of texts before meeting. It builds false intimacy and puts weight in the situation that shouldn’t be there.
He’s already having doubts. I don’t think this is worth your time.
you keep writing in the comments that he lives half the time in your state, half in another… but for what periods of time? Months and months if you’ve been talking that long?? It seems a bit odd that he matched with you apparently while in the other place – you’d think he’d prioritize dating in the state he’s in?
All this is to say, while it’s possible it’s a scam as others have mentioned, I think the reality is more mundane and is exactly what you’ve landed on. There are a lot of people who enjoy the emotional intimacy of chatting and the projection that comes with it. If you never meet a person, it’s easy to enjoy the idea of them – but the reality doesn’t always line up with the months-long imaginings. My guess is that he might be the sort who’s not typically keen to meet up or have serious relationships, period. He may think that’s what he wants but ultimately when push comes to shove, he seems to be opting for emotional fantasy > reality.
**In all honesty what sort of “serious thinking” does one need to do before a first date**? That in itself strikes a very odd tone because it doesn’t fit the occasion, which is very low stakes. Yet he’s already acting as if he’s giving you a promise ring. IMO this smells a bit like emotional manipulation (intentional or unintentional).
Don’t get emotionally invested and text constantly with someone you haven’t met in person and where no exclusivity has been established.
Focus on building other, local connections in the meantime
It means he has to figure out when his wife will be occupied enough to meet you and he has to put you off with something that sounds reasonable until then.
Assuming he’s not a player, two things come to mind. The first is that he was very badly hurt in a past relationship and moving to IRL with you is forcing him to come to terms with the fact that he is potentially putting himself in that situation again.
The other thing he may be concerned about is your situation. You have 2 kids. Nothing wrong with that but he may be concerned about the implications of that responsibility. Especially if he has commitment issues and is self aware enough to know it.
The long distance component also complicates in either case.
People have baggage and it’s not always easy to see. Do your best to give him the benefit of the doubt until it’s apperant you should do otherwise. Make sure you know your boundaries,though and stick to them.
Give him some time (not too much,though!). See what happens
Of course,if he *IS* a player,all bets are off.
Good luck!
Sounds like maybe he’s still married or otherwise committed.
After reading the rest of the comments – he’s married or in a serious relationship. Cmon now.
He might have a lot of things to deal with irl, maybe it’s work or family commitments. But he could also he not just that into you. It’s only been over a month to be dating seriously, I’d say wait it out and later on ask him if he’s serious about you. If you are aren’t compatible, it’s better to move on.
The “give me some time” is weird to me. Time for what? If he lives far away he has time to sort this out without you being around and emotion or happiness clouding his view.
Tbh my paranoid ass says he’s dragging this out, whilst seeing other people and maybe has a key contender or two who he wants to see how it plays out with first, and has you on the back burner.
A month is plenty enough time if you’re talking regularly, for him to decide to take you on a date.
Maybe ur bein catfished!! A month of talkin what’s there to think about something is crooked !!! I would run !
Do either of you want to meet? Or do you just want pen pals?
As far as him, the rollercoaster has already started and you haven’t even met. Unmatch, block, and move on to someone who doesn’t need to write a dissertation before meeting.
I feel like he either has severe anxiety, which is okay, or he’s immature and only meets up with women if he thinks they are “the one”, which is a red flag.
You might be able to pull off asking him about anxiety/nervousness/shyness. Or ask if he has covid concerns or something.
You *should* think things through. You’re a single mom, you should be extremely cautious about getting into anything serious, especially with someone who acts shady. I hope you’re being smart about what info you’ve shared with him and how you plan to meet.
This seems like way too much …. intensity? For someone you never even met. It’s so not worth starting a relationship long distance, and I say this as someone who has done this twice now with 2 very serious relationships. They’re never who you think they are, they’re never who THEY think they are, and there’s so much cognitive dissonance when you finally meet that you’re wondering if you’re insane. Yeah, think long and hard… People can hide so much when you never actually see them.
IMO if someone is hesitating on even going on a date with you, that’s not a good sign.
Sure, maybe it’s cold feet or fear of jumping back into things (he could want to be in a relationship but have a hard time letting go of his singlehood). But if that’s the case, is this a situation you want to put yourself through?
Sometimes when someone is alone for a while it becomes hard for them to accept having to share their life with someone else.
But again, this is just 1 date, not sure why he’s being so hesitant. I’d say this is a red flag. Find a guy who is eager to go on a date with you.
I feel like this guy is just going to waste your time if he has to mull things over before even agreeing to a date.
You should start by just talking to each other over the phone. If the call last 2 hours, that’s a good sign. If it’s just you talking – asking him questions – that’s a bad sign. When you do meet in person, if you do, make it JUST a date. This guy seems like a “shaky” proposition to me.
Kids
As a single mom myself-he might just finally be seeing the reality of the fact that you’re a package deal & some men just can’t handle that or don’t want to for various reasons & tend to have a very difficult time communicating that fact. That might be what he needs to “think” about. Who knows. If you really like him that much, just give him the time and space & see what happens. It’s all you can really do. He at least communicated that he needed that which again can be difficult for men and women to do. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt & just give him that time he requested to figure his shit out.
Drop him
Girl, no. Thanks but no thanks & move on. I’m telling you- 10/10 guys older than 40 who hadn’t already been in a committed LTR – they played so many games with me that it became apparent they were fully capable of commitment. Don’t give him your time, your energy for nothing.
This is unusual. My take: he doesn’t want commitment, and his anxiety is provoked when partners start becoming close to him. Texting and talking are low investment ways to establish a connection, and are much safer than actually meeting. This could also be a way to keep you on the line while he explores options.
He could be very mature, kind, and giving. But I think you should view this as an opportunity to cut ties: he is showing significant red flags, and there is something very strange going on here.
3 possible scenarios
1. He has a wife or girlfriend and he is using you for attention and that’s why he can’t see you in person
2. He’s single and leading you on for attention
3. He’s older now and doesn’t want to waste his time going far to see you and invest into something that might not work out, however he is doing it in an odd way considering he texts you every morning, he should be making a date to meet you in person to Actually get to know you in person. How does a 46 year old not know in order to decide you want a long term relationship with someone you have to date them for some time first? I sense either clinginess or emotionally distant. Red flags IMO.
My advice would be to give him the space to decide as requested. Wait for him to reach out and make a date. If he doesn’t, then don’t waste your time being someone’s validation.
He’s definitely married.
He might want to make sure he wants to take on the role of a parent and a spouse.
Relationships developed over the net are one thing in person quite another. Especially if there was little to no transparency.
Also relationships are further complicated by children. Even more if the father of the children I had visitation rights. For example. The children would have the father’s family, your family and the you are interested in family and friends.
There is the issue of who the children will accept as someone having authority over them. And how they will be raised.
Other issues yet to be vetted include how the two of you will resolve conflicts. His concern may focus on your failed marriage. He will want to avoid a repeat of that failure. He may insist on a prenuptial agreement. Also may be concerned about supporting your children should the marriage fail years from now. He maybe wondering if he should adopt them or not. And what the legal impact that will have on his future.
Men have a tendency, after a certain age, to not be willing to have more kids around after finally, kicking their own kids out the door. But, I say,”it has to do with how patient they are & how you will take more responsibility for kids”…don’t leave the whole instruction & disciplining up to them!!
Do you video chat? I would ease into that process and do more sussing out of who this person is. It’s only a month in so I understand not wanting to fly out to a strange city, but video chatting will help you bridge the gap as you take baby-steps forward.
You’ve literally never even met this old man, it’s just some person you’ve been texting.
Next time don’t let this happen by meeting in person right away. A beer, coffee, brunch, anything. Just send a few texts and meet up and get it over with so you can see immediately if you even like the guy. Like do this within a day or two, it’s not a big deal to go grab a beer. You’re too emotionally invested in this virtual chat relationship.
Month went by and you haven’t met. He is realizing that this is dead in the water.
Man’s almost 50 and still needs time to think?
Probably considering whether or not he wants to be a step parent.
He’s probably married.
He’s nervous & worried about the reality of it. He’s seeing meeting up as a pretty big level of commitment without realizing it and might act like it after the fact.
He might be one to get attached pretty quick just becuse it’s who he is. If so be ready for a lot, with the reason being that he’s put pressure on himself to do it right. Not something you can likely change. Just know you might be jumping in deeper than you realize.
For her: A M46 that hasn’t been in a LTR? And you want to meet?
For him: why would you want to date a single mom? You’ll never be her priority. Why would you want to pay for another man’s kids?
Sounds like you either have a time waster whos waiting for something else to appear or they have just worked out how restrictive a LDR can be and are sadly looking at this potential relationship more as a business venture focusing on time and monetary costs.
Maybe he’s married? There really shouldn’t be a lot to think through for two single people to go on a date
This is an utter waste of time. Relationships start when you share space IRL together.
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Also the age gap isn’t great.