TL;DR
My boyfriend’s snoring is starting to affect my mental health and our relationship, and I don’t know what to do to fix it.
My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past two years, and it’s been the best time of my life. I love him so much and genuinely don’t know what I would do without him, and just a few days ago we finally took the step and moved in together, he moved across the country to live with me.
Before I started dating him I made it a personal rule never to date anyone who snored. It’s the one and only thing that disrupts my own sleep and I knew I couldn’t stand hearing that for the rest of my life, but I fell so in love I felt like I could overlook that part of him. We’d visited in person several times before this and I got to sleep with him several times, the snoring was always a problem but it felt manageable with a nose strip on him and earplugs on me.
The problem is after a couple days of use, the earplugs start to really hurt my ears, and I’ve tried several different ones. He also snores louder than the earplugs can block- at one point I was wearing one of those sleep masks that plays music via Bluetooth directly into your ears over earplugs that I was also wearing, and I could STILL hear him. The snoring doesn’t seem to bother him at all, he gets wonderful sleep every night.
I’m losing my mind. I’ve gotten so little sleep in the past few days, and I’m sitting in the living room half awake right now with a pounding headache from trying to sleep next to him for the past several hours, and I can still hear him snoring in the bedroom. I’m so tired, I’m getting more irritable and snapping at him over small things he doesn’t deserve to be yelled at for. I’ve gone basically nonverbal over the past two days because I’m so exhausted and irritable from not sleeping, and I’m worried because my (customer service) job starts again today. I know I won’t have the energy for it.
He already feels guilty about it, recording his snoring to show him or kicking him out of bed won’t do anything. I feel awful that I’m starting to resent him for something he has no control over. We’re both young, we don’t have the spare money for a sleep study, especially after spending all the money to drive across the country. I’m not even sure if a sleep study will help, he doesn’t seem willing to wear a CPAP machine or get corrective surgery to fix the snoring- that’s even more expensive, and he’s scared of the surgery. Losing weight might help, but that’s a very long process and won’t help me when I need it right now.
At this point, falling asleep before him won’t even work because his snoring will just wake me up afterwards anyway. This doesn’t feel like something I should break up with him for at all, I still love the man to death and he just moved across the whole country for me. We’re finally living together after all this time, I should feel way more happy than I am, but I’m so tired. I can’t help but think about how much longer I’ll be able to deal with this- the rest of my life? They say snoring only gets worse when you get older. I don’t know what to do. Making him feel guilty about this won’t do anything but put more strain on our relationship, which is otherwise perfect. I’m really going to lose it if I don’t get some long, uninterrupted sleep soon, though.
25 comments
Is it possible for you to sleep in separate rooms? I know you might feel sad about that since he’s just moved for you after quite a while in a LDR, but if it’s affecting your sleep,mental health, and your relationship this much, then maybe you should both consider it?
If his snoring is that loud and consistent, this isn’t a relationship issue, it’s a medical issue. He needs to talk to a doctor about sleep apnea. You know that in some cases, it can even be fatal?
For now, separate rooms. Yes, it sucks when your partner can’t be in the same bed as you. My wife hates that I go to a separate room most nights because of my snoring, but she appreciates the good nights sleep she gets.
You can also look at the influencing factors. For example, being overweight, drinking, and lack of sleep all contribute to snoring. I know that when I dropped about 20 lbs, my snoring got a lot lighter. I also know that if I go to bed within an hour or two of finishing an alcoholic drink, my snoring is worse.
Do you have to sleep in the same room? There is nothing wrong with having separate places to sleep.
Also, we did the sleep study & the cpap thing, it does not have to be expensive. My spouse was able to just wear a monitor overnight in our home. Insurance covers most of the costs; if he doesn’t have insurance he should still talk to his doctor.
I cannot recommend a cpap enough if the snoring is bad for to breathing issues. You’ll sleep better, he’ll sleep better, he’ll be at less risk of dying due to heart issues.
First: he needs to get evaluated for sleep apnea by a doctor- if he has it and is unwilling to wear a CPAP or lose weight to fix it, that’s not ok- it can be actually deadly because you stop breathing in your sleep. He may just have a sinus issue or some other cause for the snoring (another thing a doctor could tell him), but if it’s sleep apnea, he NEEDS to take that seriously. In the meantime, you should definitely be sleeping in separate rooms.
I got some noise cancelling wired headphones and listen to white noise or rain sounds to solve this problem for me. It drowns out the snoring.
Agree that he should see a doctor/have a sleep study done, and that separate rooms are the way.
My partner snores so loudly that I can hear it through closed doors (sleep study etc has not helped yet, so it is what it is). I was losing so much sleep and getting so frustrated—not to mention disturbing my partner’s sleep trying to make them roll over.
Separate rooms has been amazing. We both can control light/noise/preferred temperature, and we don’t annoy each other with different sleeping schedules. We always spend time cuddling in bed in the evening before splitting up to sleep. It’s okay to have your own bedrooms!
Other things you can try — white noise machine to drown out some of the noise? Or would it help if you fall asleep first? That helps me when we’re on vacation and sharing a hotel room. Sometimes it can still wake me up at night, but a lot of my struggle is the actual falling asleep with loud noise.
My wife could no longer sleep in the same room as me because of my snoring. I eventually agreed to see an ENT and he looked at me for about 6 seconds and said I had one of the worst deviated septum’s he’d ever seen that wasn’t the result of traumatic injury and that I basically hadn’t been getting enough oxygen my entire life. I had a septoplasty last month to fix it and holy fucking shit. I can’t believe y’all been just walking around breathing like this all the time. I no longer snore, I wake up feeling refreshed instead of always being exhausted (the sleep study revealed I had 78 interruptions to my sleep per hour), I have more energy and focus. Literally changed my life. The sacrifice was about 5 days of extreme discomfort (not even really pain) while I healed. Encourage your boyfriend to meet with an ENT and see if this is something that can be fixed. He may not realize how much better his life can be with a procedure like this.
You just need to sleep in seperate rooms.
Loads of couples have very different sleep needs and seperate bedrooms is the simplest solution. You need sleep and if you can’t sleep in the same bed that’s fine!
Can you guys sleep separately? You guys can still cuddle and then one of you sleep in the guest bedroom. That’s what my bf and I do.
Get him tested for sleep apnea, trust me it will help a lot if they discover he has it. My husband used to keep me awake all night, they discovered he had sleep apnea due to his weight. He was given a breathing machine , once he lost weight the snoring stopped and he didn’t need the machine anymore.
Take him to a sleep clinic and a doctor.
I would also recommend sleeping in a separate room , even if it’s just a few nights a week, you can both spend 1 or 2 nights a week on the couch. Regarding the ear plugs, when I first started wearing them my ears would also start hurting, a couple years further they never hurt anymore, your ears will get used to it. What also helps is to try to fall asleep without them and pop them in when he starts snoring, or take them out for a bit at night, and pop them back I’m when he starts snoring again, to give your ears as many breaks as possible.
My boyfriend snores so I bought blue tooth headphones to put it. If you don’t like those, my dad used to wear ear plugs to sleep.
Separate rooms saved my sleep in this situation. Before we could afford a two bed apartment one of us would just sleep on the couch.
My ex snored like a lion, got the surgery and didn’t snore for like a year and then it came back, sadly. It was so loud the glass windows and doors would shake. Until we divorced years later for other reasons, we slept in different rooms. Have him go to the dr right away and he can sleep in a different room for now. The snores will not go away nor will you get used to it. Lack of sleep can drive you crazy.
This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. My friend solved her snoring problem by tapping her mouth shut while she sleeps. Stay with me. You get special medical tape that isn’t as sticky and put the tape vertically (not completely sealing your mouth, but enough to keep your jaw from gaping open). In the first few nights she ripped it off in her sleep, but eventually it trained her to breathe through her nose while she slept. Snoring gone. Ask your doctor if this is a good solution for you.
I had the same problem! My husband couldn’t sleep because of me snoring
I got medium sleep apnea, I visited a sleeping clinic and problem is solved
As someone who loves his husband I will do anything to improve quality of sleep and I started to sleep better too
Win – win
This is a solvable issue!
I sleep with earplugs in not because my partner snores but because my dog does and I am light sleeper.
I had an ex who snored
Actually many of them did
Anyway a fan works or those baby swamp coolers the arctic air thingies
Try a LOUD box fan. I sleep with two on bc every little noise wakes me up
You knew he snored, and you didn’t want a partner who snored, but you moved in with him anyway.
This story is an object lesson in why not to do that.
Okay, though, now you’re in this position. Yes, he should go to a doctor to be evaluated for sleep issues. And you should set up two separate spaces for sleep. A foldout couch in the living room, a guest bed, etc etc. Those are less trouble than him moving back across the country.
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ETA: You said he doesn’t “seem willing”???
If you’re old enough to cohabitate with someone, you’re old enough to have direct conversations. Talk to him about this, directly, and ask him to take the steps needed to address the issue. If losing weight is part of it, then he needs to commit to doing so. And if he actually is unwilling, then you unfortunately have an answer for just how much he cares about your basic well-being.
Separate rooms, for now. You guys might even appreciate having your own space since y’all were long distance.
Can you have separate rooms? My partner snores, and when I stay over with him, I have my own nice bed in a different part of the house. We both get sleep, no resentment.
Husband and I also in separate rooms, happy as can be. Going on 6 years. Nothing wrong with that, don’t let Hollywood tell you any different.
Please have him buy a snore guard, a ZQuiet or SnoreRX, there’s plenty of snore guard choices out there!