So… let’s start this off by saying he’s not a bad guy, I just don’t think we fit well, and despite his age, he is actually pretty immature in some areas. So basically, the things that are starting to become deal-breakers are things that he told me he’d work on, but never really has. Or at least, not in a tangible way.
So let’s start with the good. He was there for me when I was at my lowest. He listens often and helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions. He’s always been supportive of my eating habits (he’s super happy that I put on 20 pounds – I was a little underweight when we met), and he’s mindful of many of my traumas from my horrible relationship with my mother (now deceased). Honestly, I’m thankful he put up with my bipolar outbursts before I found the right medication, and he’s never done anything to make me uncomfortable. However….
He has an awful sleep schedule – 6am bedtime and 2-3pm wake up, even though he doesn’t work overnights. And he’s a horribly light sleeper and we live in a small apartment together, so I’m not really allowed to make noise in the mornings and this leaves me feeling incredibly restricted in many ways. Little bit trauma inducing too because I’ve always been afraid of making noise or being a bother, and this situation really triggers that when I’ve been doing my best to get over it.
We barely ever have sex, and if we do I’m always the one initiating, or getting turned down. This has really hurt my self esteem over time and I’ve had to look to my friends for the support I need in feeling desirable. Despite this I have never and will never cheat.
He works from home, which is nice for my dog when I’m out of the house working, but it also means I never get any time to myself. That, and he refuses to go out with me for dinner dates, to meet up with friends, and even finds excuses to put off going to see my dad with me. I’m sick and tired of being told no all the time.
I took the long route and am about to graduate a program that he helped me find (that actually really suits me, so this is a good thing), however he has not completed any school, and has been working in the same dead end position the whole time I’ve known him barely making anything above minimum wage. He says he wants to go back to school, but he hasn’t been persistent in contacting them to get enrolled. He’s finally getting the ball rolling, but I’m wondering if it’s too late. I want to get married and start a family soon, and that’s my priority in everything I do, but he doesn’t seem to be on the same page for that. He doesn’t even have a driver’s license, whereas I do and I even have a car.
I’m wondering if it’s best to cut it off and find someone who suits me better. The problem is, my work is from mid August- June, so over the summer I don’t make much money and cannot save enough to move out of our apartment. Rental prices are insane, so I’ll never be able to find a place for myself in the area I want on my wage (roughly 1250 every other week) so will have to look at house shares, which means I might have to give up my dog in the process because not all house shares will allow pets, especially dogs.
So the plan right now is to stick it out until I’ve saved some and found a place, but should I stay for a little longer to see if the bf changes? Should I tell him what I’m thinking?
TL;DR I’m thinking of leaving my boyfriend because some annoyances in the past are starting to be deal-breakers but I don’t have the money to leave him just yet. Do I keep quiet or voice my concerns?
7 comments
If I were you I would set a firm ultimatum laying out your concerns, but quite honestly it sounds like you’ve checked out already. What I would *not* do is carry on living with him just so you can save up a bit of money, imo that is cruel. Just be honest with the guy and honest with yourself if this is salvageable.
This guy is not going to change. You must believe that. He is nearly 40 years old. He is content where he is in life and has no drive or motivation to do anything else to better himself. You said he didn’t even bother to get a driver’s liscense. The bottom line is you have out grown him even though you are younger than him. If he is happy the way he is that is ok but it is time for you to move on. There is no point to continue because people do not change . he is almost 40 years old and he would have moved forward way before now if he wanted too. You don’t want the same things and I hate to say he isn’t interested in your take on any of this because it sounds like he won’t even compromise. Make your plan and move on with your life. You will be much happier in the long run.
>despite his age, he is actually pretty immature in some areas
Which is why he had to find a woman over a decade younger than him–women his own age are far les likely to tolerate men like this.
There are SO many men who are already grown up, but you’re not going to meet them if you’re hung up on this guy.
He’s 39! with a dead end job, no motivation, a crap sleep schedule, no sex, no initiative and no drivers license.
He isn’t going to change, cut your losses and move on.
What others have shared. Cut your losses and move on. You’ll be healthier mentally and physically.
I was you almost 20 years ago: in my mid twenties and dating someone over a decade older. He was lighthearted and fun and very smart and kind. He was also underemployed and had a hard time integrating into my life. I was going back to school and he was supportive of that and in some ways it was nice to be with someone who was kind of “hey whatever man.” Until it wasn’t.
I realized that I didn’t want to live with roommates forever. He thought I was bougie for wanting things like a functional car. His free spirited manner starting veering into straight up irresponsible territory. I found myself feeling more like a mom than a partner and some resentment started to grow.
I eventually broke it off despite him being a kind person who was just being exactly who he was when we met. I changed (or maybe just got more clarity on what I wanted?) and it was up to me to decide if I wanted to live this life or make a move. Zero regrets about walking away.
You can break it off kindly and respectfully. Start saving and looking for a new place. You’re going to be shocked at how much easier life is once you drop the dead weight.
> So the plan right now is to stick it out until I’ve saved some and found a place, but should I stay for a little longer to see if the bf changes?
If you need time to get your ducks in a row, take it. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that he’ll change. You’ve been together four years and in that time you have grown from a Young Adult who was still trying to figure herself out into an Adult who knows what she needs and what she wants for the future. Him…he was even older than you are now when you first got together, and it sounds like he’s perfectly happy with the life he’s living. He’s gotten to nearly 40 with no drivers licence, a dead end job, and a warped sleep cycle – what’s going to motivate him to change now? How is he going to overcome the discomfort of changing a lifestyle that he has maintained for the last 20+ years?
> I want to get married and start a family soon
Would you want to marry and/or have children with this guy if you knew for a fact that he wouldn’t change?
You know your relationship has run its course. Time to start making your exit strategy. Aim for sooner rather than later – I once made the decision to break up with my live-in partner 2-3 months down the track, and instead a very pointed question from him meant I was forced to break up with him that night. Life will sometimes force your hand, so start looking into fostering arrangements for your dog, friends who have couches you can crash on, etc.