Wedding in August, canceled because of numerous reasons

44 comments

1. Before anyone mentions. No she’s not cheating on me.
   I also know things change after a baby but the baby is 2 in May. These things have happened the past 6 month

2. No you’re absolutely making the right decision. It doesn’t sound like she wants to marry you either and probably want to stay together for the child. It’s better that you discuss separating rather than rescheduling the wedding.

3. You’ve got two options.

   1. Try to work on the relationship to med it and be in a better position, for this to work, you both need to be willing to try. This could include individual and/or couples counseling. But absolutely must start with better communication between the two of you. You both have to be active participants in making this work.

   2. You decide that the relationship needs to end. It’s one thing cancelling the wedding, it’s a good decision because you clearly aren’t in a healthy place to be going ahead with that. But it’s no use simply carrying on how you are.
   Baby or not, there is no use staying in a relationship that doesn’t work and it’s never going to benefit the child. They should have a better example of a healthy relationship to grow up with. And sometimes it’s better to go it alone than continue a bad relationship.

   Personally if I were you, I’d try option one. Talk to her about how you feel, what you want, that you would like things to be better. But also find out about how she feels, what she is willing to do. You never know it may change things for the better or it may simply highlight that there isn’t really a future.

   Good luck.

4. Seems like you’re useful as a babysitter while she has gone back to the single life.

   Was the baby planned as it sounds like she’s not 100% into being a full time mother?

   I would absolutely not get married at this point. You need to get couples counselling to help you both decide what it is you want before you even consider it.

   Having a wedding will not fix what is currently broken. It will probably make it worse as you’ll both feel even more trapped once it’s legal and binding.

5. So, at this point you sound like roommates. She doesn’t want to leave because she’s comfortable, once you gave her space and she realized how much she relied on you, she came running back lovebombing you to keep you around. Goes out until 6 am while you have a toddler at home? It sounds more like you’re a live-in babysitter rather than someone she’s about to marry. It also sounds like she just wants the title of being married instead of working for it.

   She told you how she felt already, she loves you because you’re the baby’s father, not romantically. This relationship seems to be mostly over, hopefully you two can coparent effectively.

6. NTA. Maybe it’s time for you to have your own living space and work out custody and co-parenting plans, so you can move on and find someone who DOES love you the way you deserve.

7. Great decision. Now work on the selling of the house and separating your lives

8. You are on point. Talk about a person having some self respect. You are doing it right. One thing you have to realize. She is 28 and living her single life. She has no respect for you. If she is out until 6 am she probably has a side piece. The only thing not making you awesome is if at 6 am you walk her to the streets. She isn’t even ready to be a mom. Continue to work on yourself, be the best version you can be. Best of luck

9. Staying out late. Lack if feelings for you.

   Sounds like she doing the pick me dance without knowing it.

10. Making the right call

    Also never get married, just one more chance for you to lose half your shit

    This coming from a guy who’s married and would never even entertain marriage again (and my marriage is fine) Honestly it’s not worth the paper it’s printed on

11. Good for you. No reasonable excuse for her to be out till 6am.

12. 💯 right decision.

13. It sounds like you are really over being treated like this, so in your shoes I’d cancel the wedding and figure out co parenting as friends. Good luck

14. Definitely the right decision, do not get married to her. I would like to add: you’re living as roommates. If she wants to live the single life, let her live on her own. Sort out custody and let her get her own living arrangements.

    She probably doesn’t want to leave because she is fine coming home to a place where everything is arranged but that’s tough luck.

15. There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

    Sometimes it’s hard to end something because you still love the person but a relationship needs the participants to be in love to work.

16. 100% the right decision. She has a lot of growing up to do, and those plans don’t currently include you. Maybe she’s drinking, maybe she’s looking at clouds, maybe she’s in someone else’s bed. Really doesn’t matter. She’s putting off responsibility. Wise decision to not bring marriage into this

17. If she was having doubts about how she feels about you and now you’re having doubts because nothing has changed, you’re making the right decision. It kind of sounds like she takes you for granted and getting married won’t change that. It would only get worse. I don’t think it would be a terrible idea for you to ask for some space and firmly insist on it. It is unfortunate that some people don’t realize what they have when they do have it. I genuinely hope everything works out for you OP

18. Oh shit I’m triggered. She reminds me of myself with my fiance when the baby was young. I was an ass hole. She’s being an ass hole. But unfortunately she needs to realize it for herself. You laid it out for her. Now it’s her choice to make this relationship work. Ball is in her court. Sure put off the wedding until she gets her shit together.

    For me it took 6 months. I realized I was a damn fool. Luckily she took me back. Just give her space. If she loves you she’ll come back. But remember you are under no obligation to take her back. And be strong and put your foot down. If she’s acting like she’s single she isn’t prioritizing your relationship or the baby.

19. Nights out that end at 6am with a 2yr old baby? The breakup is far too overdue anyway. Sell the house or one of you move out and co-parent.

20. I think you are making the best decision. Marriage won’t make anything better… it will only tie u guys closer. Even though it’s clear it’s not what either of you want.

    You both should feel wanted and loved by your partner. It seems like sadly you are doing everything and no longer feeling appreciated in life at home. And it’s clear this lady doesn’t know what she wants…but after that many years… she should know.

21. At least you spotted it 🙃

22. It appears she is in no big hurry to run down the aisle and is more into rushing out the door and taking her sweet time in returning in the early bird AM. Stick to the Script. “I DO NOT.”

23. Don’t just cancel the wedding. Leave her.

24. I believe you’re making the right decision. I would sit down and have a nice long discussion, and calmly and clearly voice your thoughts and emotions on the subject and ask that she do the same. It sounds like she may be sticking together because “it’s the right thing to do”, and if that’s the case, as much as it may hurt to hear, you’ll know what to do. Just focus on your child, they’re the most important here. Adults grow apart, and that’s ok.

25. Hello there,

    You answered your own question.

    “Basically just said your living a single life at the minute and have no respect for me or the baby with these 6am nights out. Do you miss me? No. Do you hug me. No. So why would I want to get married to someone who doesn’t do none of these things and genuinely isn’t interested in me.”

    ​

    This !!

26. I would just tell her what you said. Might add to it though, that since (speaking as if I was the one having this conversation:

    “Since all we are doing is co-parenting, there is no need to change anything, except work out a schedule as to what duties that we are going to share, because you going out and staying out until 6AM and leaving me with our child is unfair.”

    There is no way I would marry her.

27. Sounds like the right decision to me.

28. From what you describe, she is using you as a meal ticket and/or father figure. She is probably not even aware she is doing this.

29. You did the right thing. Never let anyone disrespect your boundaries. She’s not ready to be a wife

30. Your a roommate and a built in baby sitter that allowed her to live a single life. You’re like a 10 year old car, well used.

31. The first step is communicating and setting boundaries. You have to honestly say something along the lines of “hey I don’t like this and it makes me feel (insert emotion here)… and I don’t want a temporary fix, I want it to end, I love you and I’m willing to work on it if you are but if you aren’t I’m done”.

    Whatever you do, don’t stay together “for the kid”, this does so much more damage to your child than you think. It’ll be hard to grasp at 3 years old why “mommy and daddy aren’t together” but it’s better than “mommy and daddy fight all the time”. Your kid will understand when their older.

    There doesn’t need to be a wedding until you’re sure about them. If anything, your kid deserves an example of what love and a real marriage is supposed to look like. You can’t be that example if you’re with someone who acts like this.

    Side note: be sure to ask how she’s doing mentally & emotionally because maybe her actions have a deeper meaning

32. You are absolutely right about your decision..

    She doesn’t want a *’marriage’*, she wants a *’wedding’*. And there is heaven and hell difference the two.

    Sort out your mortgage and how you will divide it. And prepare a custody and co-parenting plan..

    Your relationship is nowhere near the point where you can confidently say that you will spend the rest of your lives together.

    Do not make the eventual break up 10 times costlier by getting married.
    *Marriage will just convert ‘break up’ into a ‘divorce’. Marriage will neither change the nature of your relationship nor will improve it.*

33. Do you want this relationship to continue? It doesn’t really sound like you have any more interest in her, either.

    Basically, you have to decide first what you want. If you want out, then it’s time to break up, which you are well on the way towards doing. If you would like to keep having a romantic relationship with your girlfriend, then you need to sit down together and talk about whats going on between the two of you and what you both want and need out of the relationship. It’s probably also worth scheduling some time with a couples’ counselor, if you want this relationship to work out. It’s certainly possible that she wants out of the relationship already and nothing you do is going to change that, but it would be better to talk about it and get that out in the open rather than kind of dance around it.

    Acting passive-aggressive, which is what you are doing when you jump straight to ‘well, just cancel the wedding’ is not a good choice, regardless of the outcome you hope for. One way or another, you are going to continue to have a relationship with this woman since you have a child together. So don’t try to hurt her and don’t try to punish her. Decide what you want, and then talk to her about it.

34. So, basically, you’re a single Dad. Why don’t you give yourself the opportunity to find someone who will actually love you? End this dead zone relationship.

35. You’re making the right call here.

    NEVER marry a person where the basics of the relationship aren’t there. If you feel you’re not getting the connection you need, it’ll just get worse over time.

36. You are not only doing the right thing but good for you for understanding that you deserve so much more than what she’s giving you. I think you need to find a way to not even live together. I understand that with a mortgage that might be a challenge, but I think you need a clean break and take your child and start living your best life.

37. You’re making the right choice. Frankly I would just break up. 6am? She’s probably cheating too.

38. She’s cheating

39. You need to leave her and start thinking about what is best for your child. It doesn’t seem like she really wants to be a responsible parent. Start documenting her behavior in regards to parenting.

    Document every time she stays out until 6 am or even midnight to party. Document when you are taking care of the child alone. Make sure you get photos of you with your child doing various everyday activities. All of this will help in any custody battle after you no longer live together.

    NEVER agree to let her take full custody until a formal agreement or court decision is made. A lot of fathers make that mistake when leaving their SOs. They leave and allow the mother to take temporary full custody, instead of sharing duties until a formal agreement is made. It ends up biting them in the ass when negotiating custody.

40. |About 6 weeks ago she said she felt wierd etc and thinks she loves me because I’m the baby’s dad and no on a relationship level.

    This is the equivalent of the ILYBNILWY speech. This speech comes with the very high probability that she is seeing some other guy. Staying out till 6am is another very good indication she is shacking up with some other guy.

    There are various methods of finding the truth, PM forthcoming, but your main mission right now is prepping for the potential dissolution of the relationship and working out a favorable custody of your kid. PS, get a DNA Test and an STD Test while your at it.

    In the mean time, check out The Healing Heart – The 180 to start the detachment process. That last thing you want to do at this point is “The Pick Me Dance,” as it never works.

    best of luck.

    ​

    Suggested reading:

    No More Mr Nice Guy

    Not Just Friends

41. Are you giving her too much space? Your partner parents alone 3 weeks at a time. Then has you home for three weeks. This boom-and-bust Ihaving you around is probably getting to her. Your work is forcing her to basically live a single life.

    Get a babysitter and go out with her one evening, say you want to get in on the action until 6 a.m. Talk to her honestly about how your job is affecting the relationship, discuss how you can regain intimacy. I think it’s a good idea the wedding’s off the cards until you sort this through as you don’t need this pressure.

42. I think everyone else answered it pretty well. She’s fucking someone else and using you, probably needs you financially and learned that during the time apart.

    Lawyer up and start preparing for a custody battle

43. You made the right decision
    Sounds like she was cheating but then the other person flaked so she has come crawling back.
    6am night outs are usually to do with sex or drugs. Either way, she doesn’t want to be with you and it’s purely for convenience just now. Sorry

44. break up with here