I’m a 41yo man, married 16 years to a 46yo woman. It’s a long story, but she is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and we have delt with sexuality for the majority of our marriage. Franky, we have been able to execute the mechanics enough to have two children and that is about the extent of our sex life for the past 16 years.
Well, through a whole lot of very hard work, patience, and too many therapists to count… we have broken through. And we have not just taken a baby step into it, be have busted through at full speed.
After being able to shed the shame and trauma associated with physical touch, she has experienced a sexual awakening. I can’t quite explain it, but we are doing things I never imagined would be a reality for us. She is approaching sex with no inhibition, full confidence in her body, and a frequency I can hardly keep up with.
Which leads me to my question. I’m a 41yo man who is just stepping into this world most did in their 20s. Let’s just say I have a lot of ground to make up.
She wants me to take her on a sex weekend. I found a romantic little cabin in the mountains. I’m going into this with a very open mind and not placing too many expectations on it. I’m going to let happen what happens and enjoy the process.
But… what tips can you give me for making this weekend (and her awakening in general) a success? I’m not as young as I once was and I have to pace myself. She is all about exploring lingerie, positions, different locations. Not so much sex toys or kinky stuff right now.
What sage advice do you have to offer?
36 comments
Cialis, not viagra
Try it all, go for it.
I’d love to know what created the awakening
Maybe getting her a new piece of lingerie and setting it out for her on the bed?
Pay attention to her needs and wants as she should to yours and clearly communicate. I.e. I love experimenting, could it be something different than pizza with anchovies?
Bring something to surprise her, favorite dessert with whipped cream topping or flowers.
Try doing lots of foreplay between your sessions for your recovery. Otherwise have at it.
First: _good for both of you!_
Between “sessions” on your sex weekend, you could try getting to know each other’s sexual identities better by checking out MojoUpgrade (website) or Spicer (app, I think I got the name right). Basically checklists of sex acts and fantasies that you fill out separately then it tells you what you matched on. Might be a comfortable/safe way for you to learn more about each other. Commit to revisiting it a year later, because our sexual identities aren’t static (as y’all have happily discovered).
Also if she uses Reddit, make an activity where you each find three favorite stories on r/gonewildstories or a similar text-focused NSWF subreddit (there are lots) then send each other your favorite stories. Might inspire some new ideas or help you learn more about each other, and at the very least will get y’all revved up for the next round.
Godspeed, you lucky bastard.
Edge her!!!!!!
Let her freak flag fly. If the mind is willing but the flesh can’t you still have hands a mouth and if you can buy a cottage getaway you can buy toys too.
Have fun.
Stay hydrated and get some energy bars.
You are going to need both.
Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Use her entire body. In my later 20’s I was married to a HL woman. Many weekends we did not get out of the bedroom except to shower (together) and get the delivery food at the front door. Pacing is important so change up often. While between the thighs go nice and slow, have a conversation while bringing her to climaxes Have fun!
Eat like a whole bag of celery. Like an obscene amount of celery.
Just wanna say good for her, man. And good for you. Awesome. Have fun!
Horny Goat Weed and Maca (for both of you)
Get some lube. The spirit may be willing, but the flesh may not be ready. Take your time and have breaks planed. Just have fun.
This is beautiful! So happy for you guys.
Try to spend a lot of time building the intimacy. Intimacy makes sex so much better, and intimacy is way more longer lasting than sex.
Foreplay, pillow talk, romance, small gestures that express gratitude and affection. Feed each other snacks, stock up on Gatorade, take cuddly naps, shower together.
Make everyday stuff romantic like kiss her and hold her while she brushes her teeth – those are the moments that become core memories and flashbacks for the rest of your life. Building new core memories is so important in the recovery process.
Appreciate and celebrate this beautiful time with her. This is not something that everyone can accomplish after having survived the way she has. Be as nurturing of that as you can but also let her slut the fuck out as much as she wants. Be her safe space for that.
Be as open as you can. Feed off of her. Also, have a conversation dealing with boundaries. Confusion leads to WW3!
Also, take into consideration of the pace of activities and your sustainability. Don’t be an overachiever, even to yourself.
Have fun and be creative/create magical moments!
A ton of aftercare! Cuddles, bringing her drinks, a warm washcloth or tuck her into blankets and talk. Foreplay is important, and sex is certainly fun, but nothing makes me feel more loved or valued than the aftercare.
Anyway, enough advice, what are you doing on Reddit?? You have a tigress to wrestle, my friend!
Take some lube. Try different kinds. Warming, flavored, etc. Even if she’s turned on, she may not always be wet enough. Especially after several rounds. The flavored lube is cool for oral too.
Surprise her w some sexy stuff for her to wear!!!! Pull it out when you guys arrive at your getaway place.
I need to talk to your wife! I have been struggling for years of being LL or having an aversion to sex because of childhood SA. I don’t know how to re wire my brain… it’s frustrating and I feel terrible for my husband and not being able to give him everything that’s supposed to be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong he is INCREDIBLY understanding but I know it’s still difficult for him. I’m glad to hear someone else can overcome it. I just see no end in sight or even a beginning.
Lots of talking. Lots and lots and lots of talking, clothes on and honest. Go over potential triggers and how she would like support if she is triggered. That way you don’t panic and try to help the wrong way. Like if she says stay close but don’t touch me, then don’t touch her.
Stoplight system – Green is a go, yellow hitting my limit, red ALL STOP NOW!!! By all stop I mean stop. Pull out, and stop all sexual activities immediately. Ask her when you are trying new things to tell you how she feels. Does this feel good or give me a color, is always a good question when trying new things. All answers must be verbal. Prompts like “give me a color you little vixen”. That way she stays connected in the headspace with you.
After care isn’t just for kink. After sex cuddle, play with her hair, talk to her and ask how she felt if there is anything she needs. Tell her how wonderful that felt, how beautiful her body is and how special it feels that she shares her body with you.
LOTS OF LUBE!!!! A decent water based lube is a good start, warming stuff can burn like hell so just basic lube will do. Lube. Seriously. Lube. Don’t spit, she’s not a sidewalk. Use lube.
Massages
I heard someone once say to freeze a pealed banana and put a condom over it to help with icing the vaginal canal if she’s feeling sore
Some good toys will give your gentleman parts a break and will be fun for her.
The fact that you’re seeking advice shows how much you care. Good for you! We’re vanilla so I don’t have any actual advice, just an encouraging word.
I say go for it. Have her write a list of her fantasies, and you write one of your own…then share with each other.
I’ve found that hers will be more of a fantasy story, while yours would be a list. I don’t know if that will help you.
But share with her what yours are and be open to hers…with the understanding that it REQUIRES a Yes from both sides…and not just a yes to make each of you feel better. Talk them out.
As a female here is my suggestion:
Subliminally check her underwear size and head over to Victoria secret; stick with red or black. Play it safe with a Lacey top (baby doll) and then go “daring” for crotch less underwear. I’m talking about the crotch AND butt is exposed. This is the perfect scenario where the top can hide insecurities but the bottom gives her kink value and you can eat her out without having to fight the lingerie.
Set up is everything… lay it out in the bathroom. Tell her you got her a gift and you’ve been imagining the things you’d do to her in it. Build up that emotional aspect.
If she gets nervous about wearing it, reassure her that you’re excited to see her in it and you can play a game. You’ll be blind folded and you can touch her in it until she’s ready for you to see her.
Next, food and sex are great together. Pick whip cream or chocolate (whip cream is better). Say something like “I want you to place (this) anywhere you want my mouth”. Gives her control and let’s you know what she wants without her having to verbally ask for it.
Foreplay!!! Start off with a massage on the shoulders, sitting behind her. Whisper in her ear and say “I want you to use my hands to touch yourself”. Let her guide you across her chest, body and when you make it down under, don’t be afraid to ask for direction. Do this on an ocasión she’s in pajamas. Tell her “I’ll know you’re ready for me when you ask me to remove your clothes”.
As someone who suffered sexual harressment, having open communication and some level of control in the bedroom, is calming. Good luck OP!
Maybe this is my Taurus speaking but bring food. You’ll need that energy lol
Try / buy some new toys!
Make sure she pees after sex
Here’s something I did with my wife when she finally began becoming more adventurous and open to exploring.
I requested her panties while it at dinner (semi private booth) and she handed them to me over the table. Then she lowered her phone & sent me photo proof they were in fact the ones she’d been wearing. I had bought a Lovense Lush 3 and handed it to her asking her to go to the restroom and come back with it in place. I then controlled it as we ate. One of her favorite toys now and we’ve used it other places. Rollerskating rink is one of my favorites.
We went from there to a drive-in where we missed much of the movie.
Being a rampant rabbit and a wand
Viagra helps to keep the sails at full mast all night.
Lots of lube!! Buy her some beautiful (not trashy) lingerie and take advantage of every opportunity! Shower time, making coffee, washing the dishes, assure this woman she is the beautiful, sexy woman she’s only just discovered she is! Have a great trip!
Work on your oral game! Have her help you find that secret spot. That way the old guy has a chance to recover.
Its not s race and if it was it would be a marathon. You can scrape all the toothpaste back into the tube without making a mess.
Enjoy what you have without making it weird.