Tldr at the bottom. Throwaway because he follows my regular Reddit account. It wouldn’t be the worst thing if he found this, but really I’m just looking for some anonymous advice so…
My boyfriend (29M) and I (25F) have been together for just under 3 years. We lived together as roommates and were best friends for a long time before getting together, so we’ve also lived together for a little over 3 years. For some context, we originally agreed on an open relationship and we have kept it that way for the duration, meaning that we fully allow the other to have flings and one-night stands with people as long as we are upfront and honest about it and a couple of ground rules are upheld. We are both on several dating/hookup apps and allow the other full access to them. We are friends/matches on all of the apps that we use. We also make an effort to discuss any issues that rise up with it ASAP, like occasional jealousy or potential crushes (which, thankfully, we haven’t actually dealt with.) We actually rarely even do anything, but we both enjoy the freedom of being open to experience it if we choose to.
Besides what is considered “normal” couple spats here and there, and only a couple of larger ones that we have worked through together, we are both very happy. We are even gearing up to make our third move across state lines together, which is exciting as we’re not vibing with our current living situation. Although we’re both kind of bad at it, we both make a considerable effort to keep the lines of communication between one another open and honest at all times, and we are improving all of the time. But of course, we are both human beings, so issues do tend to rise up occasionally.
As far as interests go, we’re both into rough sex and light BDSM. I’m a lot more on the submissive side, but it isn’t because I lack an interest in dominance, I just lack the confidence and know-how to do it right. I only had one long-term boyfriend before my current relationship. We were monogamous and our sex was pretty vanilla. My boyfriend is “switch” meaning that he gets turned on by both being dominant/dominating others and by submitting.
Since we got together, it’s basically been 100% him being the dominant one, unless we are equals in whatever sexual situation. I know that my boyfriend wants to be dominated because we’ve discussed several fantasies and all of his dating apps say basically the same thing “I love a woman who knows how to take charge/Looking for a girl to dom me/etc.” I really want to do this, not only for him but for myself as well because as I started saying before, I’ve always been interested in being dominant, and I think that it would help my confidence levels as well.
So over the last several months, I’ve been working up the courage to try. But it seems like every time I do, it just goes wrong. He’s lost his hard-on (I don’t blame him personally, I know it’s not like he can control it, but it still hurts my feelings sometimes bc I’m a simp), he flat out laughs at me (this has happened twice now and when I tried to express how much it hurt and discouraged me, he got caught up in tripping over the fact that he thought I wasn’t able to laugh at silly sex situations, which we both agree is important), some sort of weird incident occurs (he accidentally threw me off the bed once because he got a cramp lol), etc. and I lose all confidence to do it again. When I do have the confidence to do it- he’s actually just frustratingly difficult. For example- I tried to initiate dominance earlier again today and he started being a smart ass about the logistics of something I said and continued arguing with me until I got too frustrated to continue. He was joking, but I’m sensitive to jokes when I’m trying to dominate because I’m so nervous. Or, he just won’t listen to me- and not in a cute, defiant, “make-me” or punish me sort of way. In like an “I’m not doing that because I don’t want to and don’t have to \*shrugs\*” sort of attitude. It makes me want to rip my hair out tbh.
When we’ve discussed it in the past, I’ve tried asking him what dominance means to him and he couldn’t really tell me. He said, “it’s just a vibe you have/way someone presents themselves” (something along those lines/very similar). I didn’t find that helpful because he didn’t elaborate further, and made me feel like it’s some unattainable thing I just don’t have as a person. I’ve tried asking him what I can do to be more dominant in our relationship/during sex and he wasn’t able to come up with anything. I’ve tried implementing things I’ve read online and they don’t seem to have worked. I am at a loss here, and it’s impacting me because it brings up feelings of inadequacy and genuine frustration. I find myself questioning whether it’s something he just isn’t really interested in experiencing with me, which would gut me if it were true. I want to do this, I want to do it right, and it kills me that I can’t.
Tldr; my boyfriend wants to be dominated and I very much want to, but I lack the confidence and seem to be discouraged at every turn. We’ve discussed it several times and so far, we haven’t gotten anywhere. What do I do?
5 comments
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It sounds like he wants to be dominated but doesn’t know how to be, to start you really need to treat it as role play, i love it when my wife dominates me but we both know that I could easily refuse to do then things she says but that’s not my role. He needs to give you the power over him.
If he refuses outright then he needs to get over his desire to be dominated because he isn’t playing along.
If you play the roles it will become more natural to you (I’m assured) but to me it sounds like he isn’t playing along.
Either that or tie him up and beat 7 shades of… /sarcasm
Confidence is one of those things. Just fake it til you make it. If he laughs, say “i have a solution to this” and unapologetically slap a ball gag in his mouth while you work out the logistics of whatever the fuck you feel like doing to him. I’m only suggesting doing that out of the blue because of the clues from his bio. TAKE his control away for an evening.
Btw, I’m mostly dom male and love switching for a day. It’s not easy to turn off, and even if aroused and enjoying don’t always stay erect. When he sees that you are for real and just needs to deal with it patiently, he’ll be able to get more into it.
Maybe get what’s called a “spreader bar” if it seems like something you would like. Make it about what’s hot for you. As long as it’s something he would enjoy too. Just state it as “tonight we are doing this”.
if he’s genuinely saying no to things, part of the problem might just be that he’s not sure exactly how he wants to be dominated?
i think you might be more confident if he could give you some sort of specific preferences or hard and soft limits. you’re also not a mind-reader, and attempting to do every form of domination by trial-and-error, while you’re learning, and maintain consent is a logistical impossibility.
if he can give you more information that would be really good. if nothing else you’d feel more like you know what you’re doing because… well you’d have a better idea what you’re supposed to be doing. i can try and describe how i feel and contextualize things when i’m domming for you, then, too, if you want.
Okay so I’ll just give my honest take here. As a 100% dominant woman myself, being dominant is something that really has to come naturally to you, almost like an innate thing you’re born with. Or at least prefer as you get older and you usually know pretty early on if that’s something you desire. You really can’t force dominance (similar to me, in the sense that I couldn’t force or fake submission because It’s just not natural to me or something I enjoy.. in my mind the idea seems kinda hot sometimes but it’s common to fantasize about things you wouldn’t actually want to do in real life). But given the fact you want to dominate him, I don’t want to totally discourage you at the same time. I just hope it’s not a matter of coercion, and that you genuinely want to try this. I can’t speak for you, but based on what you wrote, sounds like coercion because sex is supposed to be something that’s fun and doesn’t stress you out or make you feel bad about yourself or even possibly scare you. It’s possible you guys just may not be compatible sexually, or could find some kind of middle ground. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.. I’m not trying to knock you or your boyfriend or anything and really just trying to give some genuine insight. Best of luck either way!!