Me (19m) and my gf (21f) have been in a relationship for almost 5 months, its my first (not that it is an excuse) and her second relationship.
The first time I insisted and I recognize that I pressured her even to she wasn’t in the mood and I didn’t like that she felt uncomfortable ,I like it when we both have fun so I said to her that I was sorry and got a carried away and that I would be more careful and to not pressure her.
The second time that she said that I insisted I’m not sure if I insisted because I was always asking her consent ,if she was okay and if she felt uncomfortable, which she always answered that she was okay and was comfortable even laughing sometimes and seemed fine. But then just like the first time we said our goodbyes and a few hours later she tells me that I insisted and if I dont stop she will end up with me.
The third and forth time were the same as the second but with me asking her even more if she felt pressured, if she felt uncomfortable and if it was everything okay and when it wasn’t an immediate yes I would stop because I thought that she might feel uncomfortable for saying that she wasn’t okay and it was easier to say that she was okay.
But the same thing happened and she told me a few hours later that she felt uncomfortable because I insisted too much. I don’t know what to do I have stopped insisting and I am trying to not make her uncomfortable, I also asked her why she only says that she felt uncomfortable afterwards, and she says that she feels okay in the moment but when she thinks about it later she felt uncomfortable, how am I suppose to stop if she doesn’t tell me when she feels bad? I dont know what to do, please help me.
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TL;DR : My gf says that I keep insisting but I think I stopped on the first time she said it.
17 comments
It’s one thing to ask once for consent and another thing to ask repeatedly if she feels pressured. You need to take the foot off the gas pedal and just ask once. If she’s not interested then let it go and move on to watching a movie or whacking off or whatever. Just stop asking her multiple follow up questions. Anyone would get annoyed and feel pressured by repeated follow ups.
If you two are sexually incompatible, that is a reason to break up.
She is too old for this nonsense. It is either consensual or not, if not she needs to say no, and frankly the fact that she tells you its fine and then afterwards says its not okay is a monster problem. I would not be comfortable with her at all.
Let her lead the way for a bit.
i dont think shes mature enough for sex at this moment. you do sound a little pushy, but i think the fact that you guys have sex and she only afterwards says that it wasnt ok is just straight up not ok. she must be clear or not have sex at all. consent is a very important thing, and one slip up is fine if communication is good between partners, but 3 more times? either you are on the spectrum and are unable to sense her uncomfortability, or she is emotionally imature and unable to reliably consent. either way you should probably break up if this happens again. its not good for either of you
Have a pants on conversation. Let her know you find it concerning that you feel like you are asking for consent and you feel like she is giving it, but later she says she feels pressured. So let her know you won’t be initiating. At all. If she wants to do anything physical she’ll need to initiate it. And if you can deal with the level of intimacy that comes out of that, great. If you can’t, then you’ll need to break up.
I know you say you’re asking her repeatedly if she’s comfortable and that’s great, but what kind of actions are you doing leading up to the asking? Are you constantly initiating AND THEN repeatedly asking if she’s comfortable? Maybe she wants to just chill. Not every visit has to end with sex. It can be super exhausting and discouraging knowing that every time you visit your boyfriend you know he’s going to try to initiate sex wether you want it or not. And if you say no it’ll likely end up in him acting different or asking “what’s wrong” when there’s literally nothing wrong you just don’t necessarily need to have sex during every encounter with your partner.
Sex might not be everything.. but it’s important. There’s a reason why sexual incompatibility is one of the leading causes of divorce, and of infidelity.
I consider clear communication to be at the very top of the important things in a relationship list too. If you and your girlfriend aren’t clearly and openly communicating your sexual needs, you are heading for doomsville.
5 months isn’t that long really. You can stay and try to resolve what may just be sexual incompatibility.. or you could cut your losses and perhaps find someone who has a sexual appetite that matches your own.
The first time you were clearly in the wrong – that’s coercion. The other times I can’t tell what’s happening. Basically, if you ask and she gives any sign she’s not in the mood, let it go, and don’t ask again. Alternatively, let her know when you are in the mood, and then leave it up to her whether you guys move forward.
Your girlfriend wants to break up with you because you coerced consent?
Yeah. That’s likely criminal and borderline on sexual assault depending on the laws where you are.
Both of you need to be open towards each other on love languages, sexual expectations, relationship expectations and boundaries.
You could be hypersexual and she could be hyposexual (strong words and I’m not saying that either of you are those things but speaking on a spectrum) complete opposite ends regarding sex. The two of you need to find a mutual grounding and meet in the middle, otherwise there will be no compatibility and you should go your separate ways.
Definitely stop trying for now and let her initiate. But she sounds a bit misleading and you sound a bit desperate. Both aren’t good.
Don’t pressure her into doing anything. Don’t ask anymore. If she can’t keep up with your high sex drive, I suggest you break things off. If you gotta “work” for it, it’s toxic.
But you can’t be constantly asking because that will make her drier than the Sahara for you, and honestly it comes off as creepy/desperate. Never ask in this case, let her initiate. But it can lead to you cheating, since your needs aren’t being met, because as a guy with your sex drive, you need to get off and I understand that completely.
An issue here can be that you two aren’t sexually compatible. She sounds like she has a low sex drive and you have a high one. You have a clear understanding of boundaries and stopping when she says to. So that is good! Never force it. Ever. Or display that you’re “ugh fine” when she rejects your advances. It has to be natural or it won’t work.
Personally with me, I love getting random bjs without asking, being groped and touched randomly, anytime anywhere as long as no one is looking. I look for a high sex drive in a woman because I’m pretty sexual too. Even if it’s just to give her oral or eat her ass to get a taste and pleasure her whenever she’d want, sucking on her tiddies just to make her feel good and get nothing in return. I love pleasuring as I love getting pleasure. As long as it’s consensual, of course. Hell, I even consented with my ex to give me random blowjobs when I’m sleeping to wake me up if she wants sex or just touch me if I’m sleeping to wake me up for sex, provided I wasn’t doing anything the next day.
If sex were a love language that’d be my primary love language. But it’s physical touch for me. I love being touched sexually and non sexually, and admired randomly whenever and wherever.
I don’t like the “oh you gotta earn it” ones. Sex never has to be earned. It happens naturally, as urges come on naturally and doesn’t have to be forced between two consenting people. Both of you have to be as equally horny with each other to make it work. Be it often, wanting sex every once in a while or rarely any sex. But both need to have the same sex drive whether it be low sex drive, medium sex drive or high.
Otherwise, break up. Because it seems like she’s kinda tired of you bro. Look elsewhere if your needs aren’t being met. That’s totally okay. She’s not the only woman in the world. And trust me, there’s women out there that LOVE sex as much as us men. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t meet you at your level, especially with sex.
Oh, and make sure to pull out, use a condom. Don’t make a mistake if you’re not ready that’ll cost you 18 years of your life.
I think you are young and she is maybe not mature enough to deal with the pressures and the emotions of a physical relationship. Sex and relationships are very different and not quite in the forefront of a young brain! She is not ready mentally even if she is physically. Back off. Hold hands, watch movies, get ice cream! Develop a relationship without the pressure of sex. It us very liberating!
I’m getting the sense that your girlfriend isn’t ready to have sex at all. So for her all sex is bad-sex, the kind of sex that she might be able to fake, but never be able to enjoy.
It’s time to hang back and wait for her to initiate sex when she feels she’s ready for it. You should tell her explicitly this is the plan. “Hey, I hear you are uncomfortable with me coming on to you, so I won’t from now on. When you are ready and in the mood for sex, let me know. Until then, I won’t ask anymore.”
If you can’t wait anymore, this is grinding you down, and she still hasn’t indicated that she’s ready for sex, then it might be that you and she just aren’t the right fit for each other. Love is not enough. There is a whole lot of other areas where you need to be compatible and sex drive is one of them.
I was at my sexual peak at 19. I had the same issues with my gf. I could masterbate five times before seeing her any given day, it didn’t matter I’d still want it. My body seemed to know when I was firing blanks and when a mating opportunity was available. You’ll grow out of it, but for now it will be tough.
You shouldn’t be pressuring women into having sex with you. The more you ask the more she is going to say no.
That being said you’re a human being with needs and if she’s threatening to leave I say take the hint and breakup.
Yall keep going like this she is only going to feel more pressure and you’re going to eventually resent her over the lack of sex. It sounds like y’all have incompatible sex drives which sucks but it happens.
maybe just let her lead and give her time to be comfortable and do things at her pace. i don’t think she has a good idea of her own boundaries which is why she is having a hard time telling you when she is uncomfortable.
Theres a lot of pressure on women to give sex to men regardless of how they feel, like it is an obligation in a relationship. She may feel obligated which makes sex more of a chore than an intimate experience with her partner. These feelings may be worse since how things went down with the insisting at the beginning of the relationship. So it will take time for her to feel comfortable. stepping off and letting her guide you would help a lot.
my bf kinda did the same to me at the start of our relationship and i kinda was able to communicate things a bit better to him. he stepped off and let me make the choices which really helped and now i feel safe and comfortable and not like a piece of meat. he realized that he was asking too much and wasn’t allowing natural progression in the relationship.
also it helps to not have a lot of groping randomly as it just feels you are after sex if she is already uncomfortable. like hugs and cuddles that aren’t sexually charged, really help create security and a sensation of being loved, not just sexually desired.
being sexually desired is great but not having a balance of being Loved outside of that can be taxing emotionally. She wants to be loved that is not lead sexually. also talking about her wants and needs to figure out what she needs to feel loved and what she needs to feels safe with sexually, figuring out her boundaries here is key. she may need time to figure them out too.
also just in case you need to hear this, she isn’t responsible for fulfilling your sexual desires. it should be a mutual thing. which is why “insisting” on it can be harmful for your sex life. You want to cultivate love and sex generally follows. (although this isn’t always the case if there are other issues going on like past assault or health issues). Also ask her if she experiences any pain at all during sex cause pain can affect women a lot if she does. Some woman may feel ashamed and may not speak up if they are. if she is, encourage her to see a gynecologist.
I hope this helps!