So I got to know my bf last year, from the starting I told him, how I don’t do temporary things, cause I’m an emotional person. At that time my bf ( let’s call him Ian) was very considerate and told me to just trust him, he will do everything in him to make a future with me, he promised this for several months, then I get to know that he’s already engaged to someone, when confronted he tells me that the engagement is one sided and he’s not interested in that girl, it’s just that the girl’s family came and fixed it, but my family is not interested. I accepted that explaination.
After some months he tells me he can’t marry me cause he don’t have a job, i understood that and tried to cut ties, than after 5 hours he texts me and says that if he gets a job he will do everything to convince his family, will even leave them if needed, just to marry me.
After some months he moved to a big city, started to ignore me, everyday started bringing up girls he is attracted to, and if it was in his will he would ask them out, i confronted and he tells me that he was only joking and nothing to be serious about.
I had that feeling in my gut that he is lying over the engagement thing. So i tried to spy a little, well not hacking and all, just made a fake profile and added that girl and Ian’s relatives, where one of the girl’s relative had posted the pictures of engagement, when I tried to talk to Ian, he tells me that he don’t feel the same about me, that he’s compromising over my looks and behaviour.
Now he’s telling me to be in a casual relationship where is no future, he has added reasons which were never there before.
So my question is, I’m way too deep in this relationship and leaving him will make me go into depression, I have two things in mind
1. Talk to his parents about all this, ( it’s a big thing in my country ) ask them, as a girl now where do I go ? Cause where i live, getting pregnant before marriage and getting physical is a big taboo, my life can get ruined.
2. To be with him till he gets a job and let future be in future, but even then the engagement problem is making me go crazy everyday
Please do tell what do I do, to make everything better again and to make Ian also see a future with me.
5 comments
I’m sorry, honey, but you cannot _make_ him see a future with you. Ithink he has been playing with your emotions all along…
Get a journal and a therapist if you can. He isn’t the one for you. You survived before you met him. You can live without him. You deserve better.
Are you pregnant? It doesn’t sound like it.
You break up with Ian. He’s marrying someone else. If you stay with him, you’ll be his mistress bc he is marrying this other woman.
Going to his parents will only shame you.
You break up with him. Yes, it’s hard & you’ll be sad & depressed. And then you’ll get over him. He’s pretty terrible to you, you know. There will be someone kinder.
>I had that feeling in my gut that he is lying over the engagement thing.
>Now he’s telling me to be in a casual relationship where is no future, he has added reasons which were never there before.
Once trust is gone from a relationship, **IT’S OVER.**
>So my question is, I’m way too deep in this relationship
*[Sunk-Cost Fallacy.](https://medium.com/mindful-muse/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keeps-you-in-bad-relationships-7bea6742f51d)*
The guy is a manipulator and a liar.
Investing more of your valuable time, energy, attention, thoughts, and damns-given will not magically cause him to become honest. nor will it magically convince him to care about your wishes or feelings when he didn’t care before. Any more than continuing to gamble will make the game magically profitable in the future. He’ll still be a manipulator and still be a liar 2 years from now, he’ll just be more informed about how to lie to you effectively.
Now, I’m not saying he’s a criminal or any unequivocally bad person. Hes nice enough. It’s not like he spends his free time robbing grocery stores.
But some people you just shouldn’t trust with certain things like your bank account information or phone password or your plans for future marriage.
>and leaving him will make me go into depression,
……For 2-3 weeks.
That’s difficult to avoid. It’s a normal part of dealing with an emotional loss. Accept that normal healing process rather than dreading it and running away.
Do you want to be depressed for longer than that? Beyond that is up to you. It really depends on your ability to find little things that give you joy like cooking or writing or exercising.
I have two things in mind
>1. Talk to his parents about all this, ( it’s a big thing in my country )
No. Stop taking to him and don’t say anything to his parents, and don’t contact them. Theyll just blame you and call you all kinds of disrespectful names for supposedly ruining their perfect little son’s honor.
He doesn’t have a good life ahead of him, trust me. Eventually they’ll bully him into marrying one of the several women he’s stringing along, whom he doesn’t particularly care about. So now he’s stuck in a loveless, tiresome marriage out of convenience where he constantly cheats. And where neither he nor his future wife respect each other.
Ian sounds like a shitty person and he’s been lying to you and manipulating you. Unfortunately you weren’t able to see his true nature till it was too late. You can tell his parents and the other girl if you think it’ll help but they may turn around gaslight you or it may blow back on you instead or they may just ignore it.
I’m sorry you lost your virginity to him but there’s no point in being with him even if leaving him makes you depressed. Hes obviously only interested in you for sex from the way he wanted to change your relationship into a casual one. Having sex with him was your decision and your fault now you have to learn to live with it.