How to ask for forgiveness from my friends

I’m a liar, I have manipulated, lied, created false dramas to get my friend’s attention and care.

I know I sound like I a monster and to be honest sometimes I thought I was. After they cut me off two months ago I started seeking therapy and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am very much aware that having a mental illness doesn’t excuse my behavior, and it doesn’t at all mean that I am anywhere near deserving their forgiveness. After all, I made them emotionally involved in situation that where completely imaginary and f\*cked up to say the least (I started saying that some family members attempted suicide and that some had serious illnesses like cancer to get their love and care).

It is very much messed up, it’s just that it was easier to create a false situation and get emotional support from them than admit the truth and that there is something really wrong with me and I’m miserable.

I tried apologizing. I told them about my diagnoses, which they didn’t believe and I don’t blame them. So I asked my psychiatrist to write them a note which he was nice enough to do. One of my friends was very hurt by situation and wished me a good recovery but I hurt him too much and he needs time to recover; it’s his right.

The two others however are not telling me anything, which makes me very emotionally challenged and in distress (for those who don’t know BPD is characterized by an intense fear of abandonment that is similar to the fear of death and presents itself with panic attacks sometimes). I am receiving the silence treatment and I deserve it. I just wish they could tell me what they are thinking. It has been two months. I love them and never wanted to hurt them, I hate myself for this.