What advice can you give to someone who is engaged but getting cold feet?

40 comments

  2. If you do not want to get married, dont do it

    Do NOT let anyone force you to get married

  5. Call if off as soon as possible. Don’t fuck up your life just because you don’t want to go through the short-term embarrassment of cancelling a wedding.

  6. PNC (Post Nut Clarity) – rub one off and see if you actually wanna spend the time with her… let PNC guide your way

  8. Obligatory not-a-man, but what exactly is it that your are most concerned about? Is it the idea to marriage, the idea of marriage now? The idea of marriage to this person? These are all valid.

  10. Chances are you aren’t sure about being with this person the rest of your life.

    That being said, would leaving them ruin your life or the way you are accustomed to living. I.e. messing up a good thing? Or could you live without them?

    You have to consider too are you truly in love with them? Or is it you love them but maybe it should have never gone this far?

    Don’t wake up a decade later and resent them and your choice to marry someone you really weren’t in love with. That’s not a good way to go.

  12. Talk with someone, a therapist or something, and figure it out BEFORE THE WEDDING.

    Hopefully no one here is encouraging you to just go through with it.

  13. If you haven’t set a wedding date yet then that helps. You need to have a serious talk about how you’re feeling to your fiance and reevaluate. You don’t need to be harsh just be honest because without that a marriage isn’t working anyway.

  14. If you are not 100% certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with don’t do it. Move in together and just enjoy life.

  15. Give it at least a week before making any drastic decisions. I don’t know why everyone is telling you to leave at the first sign of doubt but getting cold feet is normal. That’s why we have a term for it.

    A few months before I got married I got paralyzing cold feet. I wasn’t fighting with my fiance or anything and we had been together for years so it wasn’t like we were rushing things. It’s just totally normal to feel that way, at least for a while. The fact that it was the week after my bachelor party didn’t help. Check if these feelings are being brought up by anything in particular, like a bachelor party or some other novel experience. That can help give you some perspective.

  17. Are the cold feet about the wedding (understandably very stressful) or the marriage (something you should be looking forward to)? If being in front of a crowd talking about feelings is what makes you nervous, but you like the idea of sitting next to your spouse on a couch in 40 years, then I think maybe ignore these people telling you to call it all off.

  18. Don’t do it if you’re not confident. Once that ring is on your finger it’s a commitment for life. You don’t want to live a life of regret.

    Also as another person mentioned don’t rush the decision to end it. Ask yourself why you might be feeling this way

  19. Could be a sign of something serious, but if you’re like me and regularly agonize over commitment to things like what entree to order for dinner out of fear of regret, then it’s probably nothing.

  20. You shouldn’t go through with it if you have doubts.

    You need to figure out if you are simply nervous because this is a big step in your life (completely normal to get nervous in general as there’s a lot of things to deal with), or are you nervous because you aren’t sure if you want to be with this person.

  21. Run away. Run far and fast. The majority of marriages fail and men are always the losers in a divorce even though they are initiated by women most of the time. Cold feet is your body’s way of telling you you’re about to make a fucking horrible decision.

  22. How long have you been together in total?

    Are you living together, if so, how long?

  24. Don’t come to reddit for [life defining] advice

    Seriously

    The only thing you’ll get here is what you most immediately want to hear. No one here knows you or your situation.

    Reach out to your friends, family, SO, therapist, etc…

    Hopefully you have some sort of support structure, this is what it’s there for.

  25. Trust your soul, the heart is a damn liar and the brain is useless in these situations. Cold feet happen for a reason so you better explore that reason fully before ‘putting on socks’ you’ll one day hate. Also, get a prenup.

  26. If he’s a man, I’d just say

    Don’t predict, but be prepared for her disloyalty.

  27. Life is often about making a decision and committing to it.

    Young people today have it much harder- and the reasons to get married (having a stable base for buying a house and having kids) are extremely high stakes these days with sky high housing prices and dire climate crisis making having kids pretty scary.

    I would separate out the reasons you might be feeling the way you are. If *she* is amazing and you really really feel marriage is important to keep going, then keep going and commit. But if the other things are weighing on you, make sure you talk those through with your amazing woman.

    If your choice of partner is the reason- listen to your gut. This is the most important decision and there is absolutely no reason to rush it. Do therapy if you can, to see if maybe it’s not her, it’s you.

  29. *Hypothetically*
    Decide to break up. See other people. If need/want for their companionship brings you back instead of guilt, your feet should feel warmer.

  30. Pause, and reflect.

    The 6 months before, and 6 months after wedding are as good as it gets . If it’s nor Kay down masare right now, it won’t get better.

  32. Quite often the cold feet come from the fear of the wedding ceremony/day itself. – being centre of attention, making speeches, first dance etc rather than from the fact of being married.

  37. Listen to your feet. They are telling you something reasonable. Do not sign that contract.

  39. Answer the big questions.

    Does your fiance know who you truly are.
    Does your fiance know what you want
    Does your fiance want you to be happy

    And back again

    Do you know who your fiance really is
    Do you know what your fiance wants
    Do you want your fiance to be happy

    And finally

    Are your wants and needs compatible? Ie both want babies, both don’t want babies for example.

    These questions will help you determine if it’s intuition or anxiety.

    🙏

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