So I [32M] matched with this guy [31M] right before New Years, we talked for a bit and then ended up going out a handful of times in January. We seemed to really hit it off in person and there was a mutual attraction and chemistry there; ended up fooling around on our last date which I typically only do it I see it going somewhere (I did). Neither of us are big texters, so there isn’t much text chemistry but that doesn’t bother me when the in-person interactions are good. I also felt very calm around him which is something I look for.
We both ended up getting busy- I started a new job that demanded a lot of my time the first 4 weeks and his semester started for grad school (he also works full time) so we never got to meet up again due to our schedules. We have been talking fairly consistently, mostly small talk and light banter because we both agree we hate having full conversations over text, but I have a hard time reading the situation over text so a couple times I directly asked him if he wanted to keep talking, if he was still interested, and no hard feelings if he wasn’t- I know how things go and I didn’t want to keep barking up the wrong tree if he wasn’t feeling it. He assured me that he also felt a mutual attraction and chemistry and wanted to keep seeing each other, so I let it go. I’m not going to ask a third time because that is clingy territory 😅
Anyways, the last few dates I’ve tried to arrange he’s either been busy or had to cancel- most recently was last Sunday; he ended up having to cancel at the last minute. At that point I was pretty much ready to just cut the cord and fade away, but then he sent me a lengthy message (unusual for him) that essentially read: to be up front with you, I really do want to see you and I can see how it might not seem that way, but I do. I’d just rather it be a time when I feel I can enjoy myself and not exhausted.
Soooo I decided to give it another chance. I’ve worked hard over the last few years to take people at face value rather than overthink everything they say, plus I remember when I was in undergrad and working full time- I barely had time to breathe or for my existing friendships, let alone dating, so I’ve tried to be understanding that he likely is just that busy. But honestly, at this point I’m not sure if I’m beating a dead horse and should let it fade, or if he is genuinely interested. I know the adage “if he wanted to, he would” but when I was in school I didn’t even have time to see my friends- and I wanted to! I can only imagine with grad school.
Tldr; guy is very busy with work and grad school and haven’t been able to see him in a couple months. Assures me he’s interested and does want to see me, but has just been exhausted and busy. Honestly, I can’t tell if he’s being honest or playing games. I’ve been on a few other dates in the meantime but none that I liked at much as him. Advice?
18 comments
It sounds like you’re coming from an understanding place yet, despite his open communication and your empathy, you’re realizing that you’re not getting what you need.
If that’s the case that’s fair. I know that “right person wrong time” catches a lot of flack around here, but someone can legitimately be too busy to make time to date. It doesn’t make either of you the bad guy to acknowledge that reality so you can move on and find what you’re looking for.
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It doesn’t sound like even with the best of intentions this guy has the time to date you. Let it quietly fade away. If he likes you he’ll be back. Otherwise don’t give your time to someone who doesn’t seem to be able to put in the effort you want to see.
Let him plan the next date if he’s the one with such a busy schedule.
I would send a final message putting the ball in his court, “I appreciate you explaining the situation. However, regardless of your intentions, being constantly rejected when trying to arrange dates with you hasn’t felt good. Feel free to reach out again if you want to take the lead and set up a date, and if I’m still single, it would be fun to go out again. Otherwise, I wish you the best!”
Then ignore any attempts at small talk unless he officially plans a date with you. And see other people.
I think give it a chance, not only do people be super busy, but that lifestyle, especially grad school, can cause high levels of anxiety- and if you’re having bad anxiety, it’s very hard to go on dates.
He’s too busy or too stressed to date despite wanting to.
The only question that really matters is if you want to step into a potential relationship where the other person won’t have much time for you.
On the other hand, my friend’s boyfriend had a full-time job, was running a new business after work, but still broke his back to make time with her because she was the one for him the second he saw her. So maybe he’s interested, but not enough to feel the urgency to know you.
He said he’s interested but he keeps canceling. Action speaks louder than words. If I were you, I want to see if he initiates ANY meetup for the next two weeks. If not, bye ya! No need to waste time on him any more.
Best way to tell if a guy likes you: consistency in his actions over time.
Focus less on if he’s interested. Try these questions instead.
1) Am I still interested? If yes, go to #2.
2) How does this feel? If It feels bad stop. If it feels good, proceed.
3) Is this healthy for me and/can this person give me what I need? Not do they want to, but are they willing AND able. Just becsuse it feels good doesn’t make it healthy. It feels good to eat donuts but we know it isn’t healthy to do all the time and what we need is nutritious food. Is this guy a square meal or donuts and pizza for breakfast? If it feels healthy and that he’scapable of meeting your needs, proceed.
4) How long am I willing to wait for them to meet my need and is that amount of time healthy for me? It’s okay to have a healthy snack to hold you over for a good dinner, but how long can the snack realistically hold you over? A few hours? I usually give people a couple weeks if we’re just dating, and a month If it’s in the early stage of an exclusive relationship as in boyfriend/girlfriend status, after I’ve communicated the need. That’s what feels healthy for me. What feels healthy to you?
One thing ive learned having had the experiance i do is most people confuse run of the mill attraction for love because theyve never experienced love romantically. Your story reads luke warm. It seams that theres attraction but not love.
I’d take a wait and see approach, but I would keep myself open to seeing other people and not totally cut him off. However, as someone also in grad school and working full time, plus the normal being a single human with other responsibilities I would find a way to see someone I really wanted to see… probably not super helpful.
If you aren’t ready to end it with this guy, maybe just give him space and date other people in the meantime.
Someone told me this recently and it rang so true! Busy is the word that people use as a precursor to disappointing you, playing with you, or wasting your time. You deserve more. Let it fade.
The last guy I talked to told me the same story. But he then just cut the ties. Just as well. At 64 (he’s 66) time ain’t exactly his best friend! It sure isn’t mine. He hasn’t had a relationship since 2008, it’s 2022. Just sayin’.
Maybe I’ve just never been that busy but I don’t buy it when someone doesn’t have even 45 min to meet for a meal or coffee in weeks. We all need to eat, you can combine that with spending a little time with someone you like. Or even just going for a walk together to break the work/school schedule. I would be prepared to move on and date other people. But if you really like the person you can still keep the door open while mentally preparing for the alternative. I wouldn’t invest a lot more time and emotion in this, leave the ball in his court.
Your empathy for him is great, but eventually your needs aren’t being met. So continue living your life (and dating) as if he weren’t a part of it. If his situation eases in the future and you’re both still into each other you can pick things back up. As of now, if you tend to get attached and can’t multidate (I can’t), then cut the cord.
I understand how his long text message after cancelling may have swayed you.
But, here’s something I learned: pay attention to what people DO, not what they say.
His actions are telling you that, regardless of the reason, you’re just not a priority for him right now. Look, I get it—we’re all busy. But if you’re feeling a strong connection and really excited about it and don’t want to lose the person/chance to build something with the person—you figure out how to make time. You just do. You don’t make excuses about being tired—you’re tired but you do it anyway because it matters to you.
It doesn’t sound like he’s a bad guy, but you ARE kinda teaching him right now that you’ll accept being quite low on the priority list indefinitely, and that he really doesn’t need to do anything other than send an occasional heartfelt text message.