Tl;dr my partner interrupts people and talks about themselves to an almost rude level, how do I constructively bring this up without upsetting them?
So…when at social environments like party’s, with friend etc my partner tends to over talk and interrupt people, it’s very painful to witness because it’s rude and sometimes I just wanna hear what someone has to say but she will somehow interrupt them and talk about herself. I think it comes from a place of insecurity, she’s a very anxious person.
I want to bring this up to her because I think it would help her in social situations, she doesn’t have many friends and wants more and I feel like this behaviour puts people off being her friend. She’s very kind and innocent and has such a pure heart. She’s been struggling recently with her social life so it’s a very sensitive topic. I do feel like if she worked on it it would help her social life.
How you talk is such a sensitive topic so I don’t want to upset her but feel it needs to be said.
How do I constructively bring this up???? Any advice would be great!
25 comments
I’m not overly proud of the fact that I used to be like that in my early teens.
It is a insecurity, no doubt about it. With me it was the result of kids/classmates in a small village ignoring/excluding me when I moved there. It is a fear of not being heard and never being part of the conversation. This in a way stunted my social skills.
I grew out of it when I made some actual friends around 15.
Just straight up tell her, but make sure that she understands that you aren’t attacking her. Tell her that you want to support her and grow her circle of friends.
I don’t have a solution because this happened to me with a coworker. I called her a “one-upper” she always interrupted stories to tell the similar one about her. It was the most annoying thing ever. I tried to tell her that it was extremely hard to talk to her because. She just stopped talking to me… so maybe in a sense that was a solution? I think you need to be very blunt but kind. Be direct but start with how much you care about her. Don’t sugarcoat it though. Hopefully she can change. I’ve noticed narcissists tend to do this and not sure how much they can change when they can’t ever understand there is an issue.
I don’t have a romantic partner who does this, but I’ve had a friend who did this.
Personally, I’d just maintain eye contact and body posture towards the person who got interrupted and if the interrupter didn’t get the hint I’d hold my hand out and say in a really friendly tone of voice, “Wait, so how did that end?” Or use some detail from the conversation to make it sound like I was just super excited to hear how the other story went.
It sounds ruder than it is if you execute it right. I just made it seem like I was way too interested in the other person to allow an interruption.
Often I’d then turn back to the interrupting friend to hear their thing too.
Edit: fixed typo
I’m way older but I’m a female with the same problem. You kind of need to embarrass her in order for her to understand the gravity of the situation. Talk gently about it, but don’t downplay the issue.
I was innocently giving my experiences even if they were tangentially related to the topic at hand. I felt it was a way to connect with people, but there is a time and a place for personal anecdotes, and judging the appropriate time is a skill you need to develop just like any other. I would get really excited to contribute, so I would just loudly start talking about myself before people were even done talking, I cringe thinking about it now. I never realized how it came across because my intentions were pure, it’s just that my social skills that were lacking. You need to tell her how other people view what she is doing, and point out when she is doing it when she is speaking with you.
After you explain the issue, you need to help her practice. Ask her for permission to point out when she interrupts you in order for her to practice “listening” instead of “waiting to talk.” If she agrees, the next time she cuts you off in conversation, you need to say “I know you are excited to give your input, but I wasn’t done talking” and finish what you were saying. Keep doing this every time she cuts you off. You also need to encourage her to learn conversational skills that have to do with relating to others that don’t involve talking about herself. The book “How To Win Friends and Influence People” is the classic conversation primer, but I’m sure you could find other, more recent, options too if you look for books on how to effectively communicate.
If she denies that she is doing anything wrong, or insists that’s just how she is, you have to learn to live with it or leave. This will not get better unless she wants to stop publicly embarrassing herself. Unfortunately some people react to shame by doubling down.
People that ‘talk over people’, interrupt, hog conversation, and talk about themselves a lot at the expense of others, are self-involved, selfish, needy, insecure, have very poor conversational skills, and emotionally immature.
Why would you want to be with or stay with a person like this?
It is not going to be an easy conversation because if she is displaying all these behaviours, she will be in denial she is doing anything abnormal. I don’t know if you have noticed but insecure, immature people are really defensive. If she starts to come to terms with this, it will take a long time to change her behaviour [maybe years], and that is if she easily accepts that she needs to work on things. As she is continuing this behaviour, she isn’t able to deal with it on her own, and she needs to seek out a therapist [if she doesn’t think there is an issue at the moment, she certainly will not seek out therapy].
I didn’t do this, but I used to be very corrective, negative and argumentative.
My partner brought it up to me and I sought counselling. I am now much better.
Bring it up gently, with anecdotes (examples), explain why it bothers you. Be kind.
My boyfriend nearly broke up with me and that was my wake up call…. still working on it too!
I’m assuming she interrupts you when you talk with her. Next time she does, draw her attention to it.
Does she show other symptoms of ADHD?
I do this and people w adhd/add. we want to relate but it always sounds like one upping or making it about ourselves. the interrupting is a big adhd sign, we have a million thoughts all waiting to get out.
Instead of assuming she’s self centered Ed maybe try being a little understanding and compassionate.
You’re partner has ADHD, sometimes it’s hard to control themselves from a short attention span on listening to others… since she doesn’t have a lot of friends like you mentioned she talks about herself more because she spends time more with herself… just give it some thought..
Could your partner have ADHD?
It’s ADHD, especially if they are trying to share stories but not one up. It often looks like anxiety, because it’s the need to spit out something before it gets lost. Source, I was this person till I got meds.
Most times it’s not necessarily them trying to be rude, if they’re neurodivergent they might just be trying to relate with you. Like a.. “oh this similar thing happened to me, so I understand what you mean/feel” etc.
Happens a lot with people who are on the spectrum, adhd, stuff like that.
Keep in mind that this can be a neuro-divergent persons way of connecting and showing they can relate (me included). It can be hard to control the impulse of wanting to get the sentence out right away and it can be hard to interpret when an appropriate time to talk is.
This is also a symptom of anxiety.
If you want your partner to adjust then you should have a calm, private conversation, and stress that you’re not criticizing. It may seem ridiculous but offer to practice with them.
It could be a couple things. For me it’s ADD and auditory dyslexia and you have to train in listening and explain that you anchor memories in relatable data so you’re not really trying to talk about yourself or shift the conversation just relate and give context so you can stay engaged in the conversation. It is more difficult in groups.
If she’s getting easily distracted if she’s not speaking it might be neurodivergent. If she has no interest in other people it might be antisocial personality disorder brewing. They are VERY different problems and she needs professional help sorting what is going on.
Explain to her what you’re noticing and leave your opinions and feelings on it out of the picture for the moment. Tell her it makes you feel a certain way but you want to understand what she’s experiencing first before you share. Let her describe what information she’s receiving and what she remembers of sharing. Explain to her that remembering details is important in showing people you care and your private details are for selective sharing to demonstrate you respect yourself. Talking endlessly sends the wrong impression if her goal is not to dominate a situation. Practice communicating through body language with her and have her practice observing body language. She’ll shut up more if she’s actively paying attention to a lot of things for a purpose.
Talking endlessly just to talk is the sole provenance of therapists bc they’re paid for it. For everyone else she’s going to have to allow other people to contribute to her internal monologue and shut hers partially down. She doesn’t need a story for everything. It’s ok to have no reply, learn how to use silences and negative space to communicate.
I had to do years of training, including in law school and even doing stand up comedy class to practice timing and delivery. She needs to take it very seriously to overcome. I did and I still have to work at it all the time. If you’re not willing to wait years to see improvement and work with her then you may not be compatible. Many of my close ADHD friends we just carry like four conversations at once over each other. If you’re not that chaotic you can’t navigate interrupting her or bring her back to the moment if she’s just talking to herself may not be a good match for either of you. Good luck!
My sister is the same way. Though not necessarily to talk about herself but to state her point. Not just in arguments either, all the time. I brought it up a couple years ago. Think I just said something like “you tend to interrupt a lot.” She acknowledged that she does, and her friends have mentioned it too. She said she wanted to work on it, but it’s no better (worse, actually). I’ve debated bringing it up again, but seems futile.
Does your gf do this when it’s just the two of you alone, or only in larger social settings? Especially if it’s just the latter, I think approaching her calmly and saying you’ve noticed sometimes in group settings, she interrupts someone else whose talking. Say you understand it’s probably related to her anxiety and you don’t think she’s doing it maliciously or selfishly. I suggest having a few specific examples in case she questions the validity. She may or may not know she’s doing it. It’ll probably be embarrassing to acknowledge it to begin with, but in the long run, she’ll be happy you brought it up.
Is your significant other, Neurodivergent? If so, it’s not as simple as someone being rude. Neurodivergent traits are often misunderstood. Something to consider.
Honestly she might not even realize she’s doing it. I have to actively stop myself when I realize I’m interupting.
As someone else said, it’s a symptom of ADHD.
Please don’t listen to all these unqualified, unlicensed “therapists” who are boldly diagnosing her. This is irresponsible behaviour. Sometimes people like her just need to be spoken to directly, told how their behaviour impacts others around them.
There was a post some weeks ago in the other relationship sub from a husband whose friend told him that the other wives in their friend group were tired of the OPs wife and her self centred always-interrupting demeanor. She was doing exactly what your gf is doing. They no longer wanted her invited to things. So that OP did the mature thing and spoke to her. Luckily she was receptive of the criticism and committed to getting some help.
Talk to her like an adult.
I do this. Honestly I think I have ADD/ADHD my doctor referred me to get evaluated for it and Anxiety. I have to blurt out what I’m thinking because if I don’t I will just sit there and think of that thought and not hear what the other person is saying. I have explained this to my friends and family so they understand and just kind of ignore my interruption.
Look up the symptoms and see if they apply to her. If so then it’s not something she is doing intentionally (trust me- I do this to my boss 😖 and could kick myself when it happens).
I would start out by telling her that I loved her, and that I really enjoyed being with her.
I would then say that I know she feels somewhat socially frustrated, and that I felt I had some advice that I think would be helpful to her in making friends with people. And ask her if she would be interested in hearing it.
I would then claim (whether true or false) that when I was younger, I would often tend to — without meaning to — interrupt people when they were talking, and start talking about myself when someone else was talking at parties. And that I had no bad intent, and was simply trying to connect with them. But that they would often take it as me being rude, and trying to one-up them. And that I realized this after awhile, with the help of some friends, and that I therefore stopped doing that, and found people ultimately much more friendly and receptive to my company as a result. With the end result that I emerged with far more friends.
You may want to proceed gingerly at this point, but she will likely ask if she is also doing this. And you can then say that you have noticed this happening when she’s at parties. And that you think she would probably have an easier time making friends if she worked on it, because people tend to take it the wrong way.
If you can frame it more as a general, non-unique human problem — as it is — and not just about her, she will likely be far more receptive to the idea of working on it in order to get other things she wants.
ADHD, or ASD can cause this, and are most likely IMO.
As can narcissism, but that’s a much broader spread of outright harmful toxicity in all their behaviours.
like most people in the comments already stated, your partner may possibly have ADHD. the reason this is a symptom of ADHD is because this behavior is impulsive in nature. “if I don’t say this right now, I will forget.” it’s a learned response overtime and she might not realize that she’s doing it at this point.
Yeah another one here who’s neurodivergent & does this. Especially when I get excited or engaged in the conversation.
Talk to her, but if she says she can’t help it, believe her.
And if she turns out to be ND too, for her own social life, it’s important for her to know she might fair better making other ND friends.
My entire friend group is ND and almost all of us have this style of socializing. We get excited & accidentally interrupt each other & share similar stories to relate to boot. No one in our group considers it rude or “one-upping”. We get it & have a great time. And try to bring it back around to anyone who might’ve gotten cut off when we can but no one’s upset by it.
That’s explicitly a neurotypical concept. That this behavior is objectively “rude” or “off-putting”.
To us it’s just a thing we do when we get excited to engage in the convo and it doesn’t make anyone less deserving of friendship.
I think it’s important to consider this before you talk to her.
My husband has a habit of doing this – talking over me, prime example in the supermarket yesterday.
By now he really should have learnt I do not like this and I don’t do it
It is rude and unnecessary
Does she do it with you one-on-one, too? Or just in social situation?