Tl;dr : childhood trauma and negative relationships with the opposite gender has made me a fast talking scatter brain who can’t communicate well . I don’t want to mess up getting to know a potential I like.
How/should I bring up past trauma to a someone early on if it relates to communication issues? I realize how bad my communication was until recently.
I like this guy but he is very direct/blunt and I am an explainer who talks fast and a lot. During our first/only meet, he mentioned he was worried about our polarized communication & how important communication is to him – that he doesn’t want it to be difficult for us eg. If he constantly has to ask me to clarify and likewise he doesn’t want me to get annoyed if he has to do that frequently.
He asked if we could meet/talk again so he could understand me better and get clarity on why and how I communicate.
He asked if I always talk fast – I said I slow down when I’m more comfortable.
When he asked why I jump from story to story , he acknowledged it probably made sense in my mind but he can’t follow that. I’m not confident in my speech & can’t tell if the person/stranger believes me so I add stories that are connected in my mind for validation.
I didn’t mention any of the below as I didn’t connect it to my communication issues until after we met . We had 1 lengthy-ish call and message and spoke very briefly before meeting for a total of less than 5x so I also didn’t feel comfortable sharing this.
The culmination of the below has left my communication very poor especially with strangers.
-I still talk veryyy fast especially when I think I’m under attack or I don’t know them well.
-People keep saying I’m very extroverted and friendly (and I feel fake b/c I’d rather just be quietly taking it in). -I still over explain.
-I apologize repeatedly always unsure if the person really meant their acceptance of my apology.
-I am constantly seeking forgiveness from people and over compensating monetarily or otherwise when I can even if my action was something the other person probably didn’t notice.
-I over analyze everything people say. -I’m hyper vigilant and attuned to body language / tone shifts and attitudes and assumed the worst ..although I’m not always right
-I back up my statements with stories to strengthen my point probably b/c I’m worried my words won’t be believed or will be crushed.
1. Should i briefly summarize this especially my childhood and the last person?
2. Does it seem like I was being elusive and secretive not having shared this ?
3. Any advice?
—————————————-
For context:
I was a blunt, spunky, loud lighthearted mischievous kid but when we moved to live with my dad, my dad & his side of the family were very volatile, abusive and narcissistic . My mom, sister and I were always in fight/flight mode never knowing if physical or verbal threats were around the corner. I grew up always feeling apologetic & constantly saying sorry (eg. if Someone else bumped into me or even if I bumped into chairs I’d apologize without thinking). I realize now that was also when I began to talk really fast.
I loved school and my teachers but would cater my thoughts/words to whoever I was speaking and compartmentalize everything I was experience. For therapy,
I’d shut myself with my books and schoolwork and became really introverted and quiet as that’s when I felt most at peace.
As a teen, I started calling my dad & his family out on their mistreatment. I was a lot more blunt with them but still kept to myself. My dad is a lot softer to us kids but he still mistreats my mom. I’m not physically around him though so it’s a little easier for me.
In my late teens, I was talking to someone and we were almost going to get married. His family was very toxic yet I would bend over backwards to please them.
Even though that didn’t work, I’d force myself to be friendlier & more extroverted to people. I’d also be more careful about my words in case I harmed someone and continued to people please even at my expense.
In my my late 20s , I started talking to a guy and it went on for awhile but he ended up being very verbally, psychologically and emotionally abusive. He would constantly criticize me, my sense of humor & things I’d say& talk about other women including his exes. I’d walk on eggshells anytime I’d talk in case he yelled or put me down. I kept justifying his actions as he had been through a lot and felt I needed to be kinder and more understanding .
Id always make excuses for him. Eventually, I realized all of this and left.