I know I might be sounding moody right now, but I have a lot to get off my chest. My first marriage was with my high school sweetheart. We were married for two years until he told me he was gay. The divorce was civil, but he still broke my heart. My second marriage was to my boss. He turned out to be an abusive asshole. He could be so nice to you, but when he got angry he just lost his mind. He also went crazy during the divorce proceedings and tried to ruin me. Thank god we didn’t have kids or it would have gotten ugly. Speaking of which at that stage of my life I was having an existential meltdown. I was older. I didn’t know if I wanted kids, but I liked the option. My last marriage was to someone much younger than me. He was my personal trainer and we fell in love. Yes the relationship was like 80% physical, but I didn’t care. I was so happy. The divorce was a slow moving train wreck because it became apparent that he was too immature for marriage and it was feeling like a mother son dynamic and I was freaking out.
I’ve been single the last year and I’m just getting so lonely. I miss curling up in bed and snuggling. My dog Dojo is nice, but he smells bad. Why couldn’t I figure things out? Am I just not meant for romance?
38 comments
You just have bad taste in men
Pick someone that you normally wouldn’t
maybe someone that’s divorced themselves
Sounds like you don’t have a lot of self esteem. You’re falling for all the wrong guys. it’s best you stay single now, work on yourself, love yourself, with the hell of a therapist, and then and only then find someone that truly deserves you. You’re still young. Be patient.
How long did you date them before marrying them?
It sounds like your picker is broken.
Your first husband being gay doesn’t really have anything to do with you. Plenty of people don’t figure that out until later in life. Marrying your boss was definitely a bad idea, and it sounds like with his personality there were probably some red flags before marriage. Marrying your much-younger personal trainer because of lust is a COLOSSALLY bad idea and that’s obvious from the moon.
I think you need to speak to a therapist to unpack your patterns and why you gravitate toward relationships that have “trouble” written all over them. It’s not that you’re not meant for romance, it’s that you need to choose more suitable partners. You also need to learn how to be happy in your own company so you’re not trying to make things work long past the expiration date for fear of being alone.
How about counseling. I get being lonely but learning to be on your own and loving your life will help you find a decent man. It’s literally half the elixir!
Well, you dated a gay guy, a boss and a personal trainer. The first one you couldn’t have known was gay, but the other two? Dating a boss is a terrible idea. Dating a personal trainer is as well, especially one you admit was mostly just about the physical connection. I guess the answer is to just make better choices and stop getting married all the time.
What did you share in common with these men? Did you have shared values and aspirations? You’ve rightly pointed out that lust only gets you so far. Long-term companionship is about being with someone because they’re someone that you’d spend time with irrespective of the sex.
At some point you need to stop going to the restaurant that keeps messing up your order
Quit marrying everyone you catch feelings for and learn to be happy single.
Did astrology play a role in any of this?
But seriously though, read: “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.
The common denominator is guys who are melodramatic, insincere, and emotionally immature, and where you act as an enabler towards their pretending at maturity.
First thought before I read, stop. First thought after, stop. Told my dad the same. Three strikes your out
Even if you find romance with someone, you don’t have to marry them or have any legal tie to them. Marriage is not a condition of having a happy relationship and is not the logical next step in a relationship. Some people are in happy, committed relationships and never get married. After 3 marriages and divorces, maybe you should consider just not getting married again. If you truly find love, then it won’t matter if you are married to that person or not.
Some therapy is definitely in order to address your current confidence hit. It’s normal to feel dejected after all that, but it is something you should strive to overcome. Did you decided on kids or not? There are plenty of kids that need to be adopted. Considering your age, its generally very risky, if possible at all, to have a biological child at this stage. If you decided not to have kids, then are you doing things in life on your own that make you happy? Traveling, community service, crafts, hobbies, etc.
your boss and your personal trainer? you might want to date people not that involved in your life. get to know them as a stranger, not someone with power over you
First, try bathing Dojo. That tends to help with the smell issue and you can get cuddles for emotional support.
Then find a therapist and learn to love yourself.
Just don’t marry the next guy until you’ve known each other for a few years. Try living together a couple of years without marriage. Also maybe see a relationship therapist? They’re not just for couples
You know what they say, 2 mistakes would be a coincidence, 3 point to a common denominator, and that’s you.
Time to focus on you and go get some therapy. We pick people because they reflect the parts of us we don’t love, ostensibly to teach us lessons. This is why we find love when we aren’t looking. You need to learn those lessons
May be you should give a longer time to know each other before getting married. An 80% purely physical relationship is not a good grounds for a marriage. Especially after two failed ones.
And this people, is why getting married really is not a big deal
Married and divorced 3 times at 49, not shaming whatsoever, purely saying that piece of paper means fuck all (and I’m married but my wife also agrees a mortgage and kids are more commitment than marriage)
Sorry that you’ve been experiencing bad partners multiple times. The highschool one sucks and theres not much you could do about.
The other two were people you worked for/worked with meaning they had to be on there best behaviour in there work setting but that isn’t always an accurate picture of who they are.
This is also just a rough time for love on society
Are you religious or something? Why’d you have to marry any of them?
I’ve been married three times. Sometimes we do everything we can and it still falls apart. Other times we just don’t make choices that are grounded in long term sensibility. My first husband I married because I thought I needed to settle down. I was the wild one. We got married after just a few months but that marriage lasted a decade. Right up until we had a kid and he refused to adult. Then I moved out, got roommates and divorced him. Years later married my best friend and roommate. It was stable, he was a good man (with one massive destructive weakness), and it felt safe. I loved him and he loved me. But that couldn’t weather his disastrous abusive family. We’re still incredible friends. Live just a mile apart. In my late forties, real love smacked me in the face. It’s like nothing I’ve ever thought I could have. It does happen but you gotta start thinking rationally. Some of us come from broken places, bad histories. And it makes us go into survival mode. And the choices we make in that head space aren’t long term.
Ok everyone’s given you great advice, but have you ever had your dog’s teeth cleaned? Our dog had terrible bad breath. Vet recommended teeth cleaning and turns out she had an infected tooth, which would have also made her in pain, poor thing. They extracted it and no more stink. It’s expensive though.
Holy moly. You are lonely after 1 year and want someone to cuddle so you’re looking for a new husband?!
Get a fucking dog, stop getting married and learn to be content and happy with yourself. If you don’t – marriage #4 will also not end well.
Wash the dog. Then take the dogs for lots of walks. Then stop worrying about getting married again and have a fabulous life. You’re not the best at choosing husbands so best you don’t 😂
Wash your dog
There’s a near zero chance of any of those marriages working out.
First one can be blamed on youthful ignorance. You were likely way too young to even know who you are. He eventually figured out who he was, but it would have been a lot easier to have that same relationship without getting married.
The other two are just completely immature and delusional ideas. Your boss? Your younger personal trainer? What’s next? The first guy who catcalls you on the street? Some 19yo you’ll meet online and who needs marriage to come to your country?
Stop picking nonsensical relationships and start getting your self-esteem in check. You need to be able to be on an equal footing with whoever you’re dating, you can’t just hide behind power dynamics and drama.
Go get therapy, learn about what intimacy should look like, what mutual respect is about, what healthy attachment is like. Then, once you’ve matured a lot, start dating through apps instead of whoever is nearest. Actually consider how compatible you are with someone and get to know them for real.
It’s also possible that what you’re into is mostly just wild sex with passionate lovers. If that’s the case, don’t get married or caught up in romance. Just date several men, establish some boundaries for yourself and end it if it starts to feel too serious. You can absolutely be a happy single lady enjoying lovers that aren’t boyfriend material. There’s nothing wrong with that.
The problem is not that you can’t figure things out
The problem is that you got hurt significantly more than you care to admit by your high school sweetheart and as such, you dated and subsequently married men who you knew you weren’t compatible with. This allowed you to keep them at arms length and prevent you from opening up again and getting hurt.
Your boss was a rebound. You were sad and alone and fell into something with your boss because it was convenient.
Your personal trainer was just sex that escalated to a relationship but never should have been anything but sex
What you need to do is to go to therapy and truly talk about the experiences of your first marriage and how it has affected you long term
Because until you work through your fear of being hurt as badly as you were when your first marriage ended…you are going to continue to date men that don’t require you to be open and vulnerable.
You should probably get a therapist. It sounds like you have spent more time looking for relationships than figuring out exactly who you are, what you want out of a relationship, etc. People find love at all ages so there’s really no rush. It also may not be necessary to get married to each person you get serious with right away, I know divorce can be messy, expensive, and yes in the case of abusive relationships even dangerous. It’s not that you aren’t meant for romance, it sounds to me like you might just be going about it all wrong. You should focus on first making sure you are and can be happy on your own, and working with a therapist to ensure that you’re able to pick up on red flags in relationships, how to keep good boundaries, and how to keep things healthy in a relationship. Romantic relationships also aren’t the only kind of relationship and they shouldn’t be the only kind you have. I’m fairly young (25) but I would hope that at your age I would be happy regardless of my relationship status because I’ve already been in a few relationships that I felt were real and loving but they have ended, so I try now to focus more on building my life up for my future and maintaining friendships that I will be able to hold separately from my romantic relationships. My goal for once I am middle aged is to be independent and happy enough that a significant other would be a great addition to my life, but not necessary and maybe that’s how you should view potential partners too.
What is the common denominator between your three marriages? The answer; You.
I honestly feel for you, I really do.
I also give you props to getting married 3 times. I gave up after the first one fell through.
Take a break from the dating pool, maybe speak to a counsellor and get the dog to a groomer so their all fresh and clean for cuddles.
Learn to live life alone and being content with that and yourself, then you can be ready to date because even if it falls apart? You still got yourself and if you love yourself then the world is your oyster.
>Am I just not meant for romance?
I think you are looking in the wrong places. Have you tried like dating sites or something of that nature? It just sounds like you attach yourself to whoever is around.
Not trying to be mean, honestly: you need therapy to figure out why you keep attracting and falling for these guys. Until you do, you’ll keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Invest in yourself.
Stop getting married fast. You totally can date someone with a relationship that is 80% physical and be happy but it’s not someone you marry because it will inevitably end.
I think you need to start therapy to help you deal with how you currently and with when it’s the right time for a marriage.
Stop dating people that are involved in a professional way in your life (like your two last husbands).
It does feel like you dont date for long and get married when you are still in what we call the honeymoon phase. That’s the worst time to take big decisions because you are so in love you don’t see the possible issues. It’s better to wait a couple years and to have live together for at least a year before getting married.
Take it as a sign to stop getting married and focus on yourself.
Give the dog a bath and some treatments/treats for his breath. Then, go to therapy and work on the aspects of yourself that you aren’t addressing so you can love yourself better.
Give Dojo a bath and brush him.
Wow. Best of luck finding someone new to cuddle with. Do not marry the next one, try something new this time, just live together.
Give your dog a bath.