My (35F) husband (37M) is a good man, a loving father, and has been my best friend for almost 20 years (married for 9). But, the main issue throughout our entire relationship has been mismatched sex drives. I don’t see sex as being something that is that important, and in fact feel like I could go indefinitely without it. I don’t experience a lot of desire for sex, nor do I find it that enjoyable – rather, it feels invasive, embarrassing and honestly kind of gross. I just hate feeling so exposed and vulnerable.
My husband on the other hand has a high sex drive and has tried for many years to find ways to get me to be more open to trying new things and connecting with him physically in a way that we can both enjoy, but I just can’t get past my own weird feelings about sex and how unenjoyable I find it. On the occasion where I do let myself relax and get to some level of enjoyment, he’s so over the moon about it that he’ll keep bringing up how hot it was, how he loved when I did xyz, etc. which only brings me MORE cringey embarrassment and feelings of shame. I get that he’s trying to positively reinforce things but it has the exact opposite effect, and I’ve been very clear in telling him as much — he just gets so excited about it that he can’t help himself it seems.
Thus the crux of the issue: our sex life has become extremely transactional. He’ll do things around the house, take our kid out to do activities so I can have time to myself, help me in some form or fashion, but it always comes with the unspoken caveat that now I ‘owe’ him physically intimacy. While he’s not directly pushy about it, he’ll play the guilt/emotional manipulation card – “I did xyz to help you today, doesn’t that mean anything to you?” or “I’ve had a really hard day at work, and it’s like you don’t even care.” I do everything else I can possibly think of to show my love and appreciation, but none of that is enough if it’s not sex. If we don’t have sex at least every other day he becomes unbearable with the coercion/guilt – and it’s like this ticking time bomb just waiting to create a massive fight.
He doesn’t hug me, kiss me, hold my hand, etc. without the end goal being sex. And I can’t initiate hugging/kissing him either just as a sweet gesture without him getting excited thinking we’re going to have sex. I just want to have a physical connection without it meaning anything sexual, but it seems impossible at this point.
It’s very clear that our love languages and needs are very different, and I’ve gotten to a point where I’m incredibly resentful of it and disgusted by the thought of having sex with him. I dissociate during sex as a coping mechanism, and lie to his face about things feeling good or about whether I’ve enjoyed sex.
He’s not oblivious to all of this and knows that we have this problem that’s been festering for years and years. Divorce seems unimaginable; we’ve built an otherwise really great life, have a wonderful child together, and truly are best friends. Beyond opening our relationship so he could have sexual partners with people other than me, I just don’t know where to go from here.
I’d welcome thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation, as I’m at a loss for how to deal with this for the rest of our lives together.
TLDR: My husband and I have extremely mismatched sex drives, and it’s creating massive problems in our otherwise good relationship.
27 comments
To be fair to you, you *both* have weird feelings about sex. Every other day? No physical affection unless it’s foreplay?
It’s a cliché in this sub to suggest therapy, but you both need it.
He is crying out to you in his way. He wants you and adores you.
I’ll be honest and this happened in my relationship.. i started looking outside my marriage. But then I sat down with my wife and came to the conclusion that she too was embarrassed by her body and it was all in her head. She started walking alot and lost weight and gained confidence that now we have enjoyable sex 4-5 times a week.
Instead of him trying to guess and fix things have a sit down and talk both your hearts out no matter how much it hurts. Maybe a sex therapist can help…
There’s a lot wrong with this. First and foremost I wonder where your feelings about sex comes from bc it could be internalized from childhood but honestly if my husband tried to say “oh, I did this aren’t you going to ya know do THAT for me.” I’d feel gross about sex too. None of this is healthy.
Sounds like you both need therapy tbh about this but it also sounds like the ONLY form of intimacy you guys are having is sex. Which isn’t how most women function. Our sexual desire doesn’t start with sex it ENDS with sex. Honestly how can you desire a man who is basically trying to use you like a sex worker with your payment being chores and the exchange rate is zero real intimacy and sex you didn’t even want.
You feel bad bc he guilt you and coersed you and you feel gross bc you feel used and you feel ashamed bc you are probably forcing some sex act to make him happy bc if jot he gets mad and angry and you are trying to avoid it.
The hard truth is you need to tell him this is how you are feeling about sex and that you both need to get into couples therapy and likely individual therapy tbh to rebuild your relationship and sex life. Bc sex should be enjoyable for you both not a way for him to get his rocks off and go to sleep leaving you feeling gross.
>Beyond opening our relationship so he could have sexual partners withpeople other than me, **I just don’t know where to go from here.**
In addition to the usual “therapy”…
– Stop lying about your experience during sex. **Stop having sex you don’t want.** Never, ever have sex you don’t want.
You’re doing all this to sustain the unsustainable and you’re scared the ONLY alternative is divorce. And that’s not true. The likely outcome if you two handle this with love and patience is increased joy and happiness.
You have to break the cycle. If you don’t want sex, there is no sex. Doesn’t matter if he guilts or pouts. Be as patient as you can in dealing with his usual method for getting physical affection from you (this is key).
Tell him your goal is to build a REAL and AUTHENTIC sex life, but that it’s going to require completely resetting things. He needs to develop self-control, emotional strength, emotional independence. You need to develop love of your physical self and openness to the joy and bonding that comes from the emotional and physical vulnerability of partnered sex.
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– Get two copies of “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski and read it **together**, talking about it as you go. (She’s smart, funny, and very understanding of ALL sexual drives and styles.)
I have two suggestions, being as I experience a less intense version of what you have.
1) When it comes time for me to be sexual with my partner (because it’s been X-number of days), if I’m not there psychologically, I pleasure him with my hands and mouth only. There’s a big difference between that and PIV, and it offers me relief from the invasive gross feelings (of having PIV while not feeling desire). It feels more psychologically comfortable because I’m doing an action to someone else, and I don’t have to feel sexual to do a good job. (If you want to know a good technique let me know and I’ll explain.) Being able to not have a P inside me, while still giving him a phenomenal time, is an excellent compromise.
2) If you can convince him to read a book, Ian Kerner’s “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex” is very eye-opening. (Library or Amazon.) It explains a lot about women’s sexuality and why no woman would enjoy sex in your scenario.
I don’t even have those negative feelings towards sex really and sex every other day after being with kids all day is way too much for me. Once a week is the average for a long term relationship with kids involved. You forcing yourself to have way more sex than you want isn’t going to make you like sex more, that’s for sure, and his attitude around sex is not only unsexy as hell but also coercing your spouse into sex is abusive, full stop. Nothing about this is healthy and is very certainly reinforcing your negative feelings towards sex.
Coerced consent is not consent. The kind of sex you’re having is self harm at this point and you really need to choose to stop it. If he doesn’t know how you feel about sex, EXPLICITLY, like everything you said here, you need to tell him. If he does know and keeps having sex with you, that’s horrifying and he very obviously doesn’t care about you more than he cares about his penis.
Sex is not a love language, and neither is coercing and abusing your spouse.
This sounds like me and my wife.
Which is weird, because she was so oversexual when we first met, that I sometimes wonder if it were a bait and switch. But that was 10 years ago.
Now it’s rare, She is like you, doesn’t enjoy it, seems overly self conscious, and there is nothing I can do.
And I am getting the angry, resentful accusations of “you act like you deserve sex for doing basic chores around the house” which is not what I am thinking at all.
But obviously points to the sex as a transactional chore mindset she probably has.
This is just one of nature’s most frustrating ironies in long term relationships.
And of course, I have to think about myself and how this makes me feel. It’s like great, I am nothing but some unpaid man servant/roomate to you now. You want me to work all week, then spend my precious free time doing your honey-do list and going to your friends and family’s social functions.
Where as the romance has died, the honeymoon is over, we don’t talk about shit, or she won’t talk, and the days keep ticking by. I think if she could at least build a rapport that would be something but no.
We don’t have kids, so I am even wondering why stay. Life just kicked us in the ass.
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>and lie to his face about things feeling good or about whether I’ve enjoyed sex.
Well that’s not doing anybody any good. Stop lying about it. You’re going to have to have a real talk about it. I never understand why people don’t want to be honest.
If you have a high sex drive or even a sex drive at, its absolutely miserable living without it especially if you love and find your partner sexy and attractive. It really is very difficult. I don’t know how it is for females, but for males it eats into every aspect of life when those needs aren’t met.
It’s unreasonable to expect him to live without, and equally unreasonable expecting you to put out when you hate it so much. For you it’s cringe for him it’s desire.
Tough one. No one person to blame here. Out of interest as sex is so unimportant to you, would you feel betrayed if he slept with someone else? I’m not making that a suggestion, I just wonder how unimportant it is to you?
Your husband wants to have sex with you as a way to connect and because he loves you. I guess try and remember that in your relationship.
This sounds similar to where my husband and I were at a few years ago.
He has a much higher sex drive than mine and is not the type to engage in foreplay. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I need flirting, cuddling, holding hands, etc before I’m ready to have sex. It stressed me out to no end when we would have any type of intimacy and he would automatically want to jump my bones. It was exhausting, and he could tell that I was stressed out, which in turn stressed him out.
And on it went with building resentment until we finally had an honest discussion. We both made our needs clear in a calm way. I learned that sex is a huge stress reliever for him and that any sexual touch can get him going, and he learned that I need physical and emotional intimacy before having sex.
We were able to adjust, and now we’re in a much, much better place. I actually enjoy sex now!
You should do some therapy if you’re committed to improving your marriage.
You sound like me. I hated sex at a certain point. Just didn’t want to ever do it again, as it had become this super transactional thing like the way you described it. And I already had a low sex drive to begin with. The positive reenforcement… urgghh!
I left my then partner and have since had several other partners. My current partner is by no means Mr. Right, but sexually, we match. We have sex about once every two weeks and we’re both very happy about that. We don’t think it’s that important. We’re both quite vanilla and lazy in the bed and we just like to keep things comfortable and efficient. No sex talk, no kinks, no cringe shit. It has totally changed the way I feel about sex and I’m very very happy I’ve experienced how different sex can be with another partner.
I think you’re gonna need a very good couples councillor or a divorce..
Your life is not “great otherwise” I can promise you. As a spouse that’s been in your husband’s position I know that this can and likely has bled into far more areas than you’re aware of.
Well, your life might be fine but his isn’t.
Maybe you don’t like sex because he’s just a gropey pest who doesn’t make you feel wanted or desired. It’s hard to enjoy bad sex.
Damn. Lots of people in these comments clearly don’t understand asexuality.
But that aside, if you don’t want to (or simply can’t) divorce then you should open up the marriage. You cannot expect him to be in a sexless marriage when he has such a high sex drive. My husband and I have had this conversation in great detail. I’m asexual (he is aware), and while I enjoy the bonding and intimacy that comes with our sex life currently, there may come a time where I just don’t want to have sex anymore. He and I would not split up (we are very much in love and are the best of friends), but we would absolutely open up the marriage so that his needs can be met.
This is the problem when couples get together at a young age.
It sounds like you need some therapy. What you describe goes beyond simply low libido.
Believe it or not but sexual desire & sex are one of the main reasons a marriage fail’s or succeed . A unhealthy sex lift will sooner or later bleed over into all affect’s or a relationship . Incompatible in sexual desire or sexual fulfillments by either party is a big red flag in my opinion . Sexual pleasure is nothing to feel ashamed about it’s human nature . My wife read the sexual freedom by Sherri H it really help her out if her sexual box . Or maybe you just don’t find your Husband sexual attractive . Get your self a counseling to explore yourself & the reason you feel this way 🙏🏾
If you really care and aren’t just looking for people to say “it’s fine” go to your doctor and ask for testosterone therapy
I struggled with this exact problem with my wife. she felt the exact same way as you towards sex. as a child she was always more mature looking and that drew alot of unwanted attention. by 11years old she was abused sexually but family friends or “boyfriends” who only really wanted one thing from an 11yo. this never ceased and ruined her view on sex for an actual relationship. we struggled for over 5 years into our marriage with this and I drove me to depression as I’m automatically made the bad guy for needing sex in our relationship. I found it funny that when she wanted to get pregnant we’d have sex every single day until her test was positive then full stop.
it was bad. we almost divorced as the sexual tension grew to high for me. so I got a sex toy, I stopped hiding my porn. it was either porn or another woman because I need my release one way or another. I stopped urging her for sex and became self sufficient. it was when I stopped pestering her that she started to open up to me at a snails pase. eventually I surprised her with a sex toy. she’s never masterbated in her life and she didn’t know how to. the toy sat in the drawer for months before she actually tried it. very gradually she experimented and learned about her body. she started watching porn and learning what turns her on. she started associating positive emotions to getting off and actually enjoying sex.
this has since evolved and I got her the womenizer premium for her birthday this year, we watch porn together and Jack off for foreplay then finish with the best sex of our lives each time.
sorry for the TMI to any readers.
despite the stigma around Porn in this Sub, This is how porn saved my marriage
You say he’s a loving man, and yet there is a quid-pro-quo understanding about chores (in the house *he* lives in) and sex?
And he never touches you in an affectionate way that is nonsexual?
Honey, no wonder you don’t like sex with him. I notice you don’t mention him going out of his way to make sex pleasurable for you, either.
Your body is telling you something is wrong with your relationship, manifesting in a distaste for sex.
You need therapy, or rather a impartial third party to help sort this out. I don’t recommend couples therapy at first either, because it sounds like you and your husband are gaslighting you.
You guys need so many of the counselings.
Marriage, individual.
This is like reading my own story. I wonder if you’ve become so repulsed by sex because it’s become so transactional now – that certainly happened to me. My husband would get mad if we weren’t having sex every night, then if we were and I wasn’t ‘enjoying it enough’ he would still be mad. ‘But I bought you dinner’. ‘I picked you up from work’. ‘I bathed the baby’. He threatened to leave me repeatedly if we didn’t have more sex, if I didn’t do exactly what he wanted, he was even angry I didn’t want to have sex on the night of our sons friends funeral (the kid died by suicide). My husband was coercive, manipulative and abusive and put me off sex entirely. I left him as the relationship deteriorated (after 17 years). I have a new partner, and I love sex again. I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything, I don’t feel a pressure to do anything, and it’s great. I don’t have to perform under the threat of losing my house or kids. I guess I’m saying, for those suggesting therapy, go alone first to discuss your husbands behaviour, because if it is an abuse situation going to therapy together isn’t going to work.
I feel this. Transactional for his well being and taking care of his children. I’m just a body at this point
I think you should come over to r/LowLibidoCommunity and get away from the “advice” that assumes you are asexual.
You’re operating under some meaning frames that would make anyone think a life without sex is preferable.
For me, THIS is enough of a red flag to re-evaluate the marriage:
“He’ll do things around the house, take our kid out to do activities so I can have time to myself, help me in some form or fashion, but it always comes with the unspoken caveat that now I ‘owe’ him physically intimacy. While he’s not directly pushy about it, he’ll play the guilt/emotional manipulation card – “I did xyz to help you today, doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
Totally unacceptable.
That hits home. My ex husband and I had the same dynamic around sex, but he wouldn’t listen to me or try to see my point of view. I did therapy for a while and my therapist put things very simply into perspective about the differences in sexual arousal in men vs women. It isn’t so much the difference in love language.
It takes no time for a man to get aroused, whereas female arousal takes time to build up through non-sexual intimacy. That means hugging, kissing, holding hands, expressing love through action, little love notes, communication, spending quality time together without having sex.
Clearly you don’t get any of it, and that’s part of the issue. When people start dating, there usually is a lot of non sexual intimacy. But I found, after getting married and having a child, sex is expected, without putting in any effort.
Your husband has become complacent. He should be dating you, courting you, all over again.
I wish you the best.