Or rather, how do I treat boys the way I treat girls?
I’m 19M and for much of my life I haven’t hung around girls a lot. 3 months ago, I moved into my college hostel and I’ve gotten way better at my social skills in general and have interacted with girls and got used to being around them.
But there is one big thing that bothers me and that is, even though I keep reminding myself that girls are just people, I’m just unable to treat them (at least on a mental level) the same way I do with boys.
I don’t like that every time I talk to a girl, even if it’s someone I have little to no attraction for, my brain still goes “Oh this is a girl!” or “Can I be in a relationship with her?” How can I learn to break this chain of thoughts?
I want to be able to talk to a girl without the fact that she is a girl floating about in my mind. How can I do that?
One particular example where this really, really bothers me is with a certain girl with whom I’ve cultivated a very nice friendship over the past few months. While initially I had sought to hang out with her because I was interested in seeing if a relationship was possible; after getting to know her a bit, it was apparent to me that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her but liked her as a friend. She’s one of my closest friends in the college, I don’t want to pursue anything more. Yet, asking her to hang out feels uncomfortable to me in a way that asking my closest guy friend does not. As far as I can tell, she’s never given signs indicating that I’m bothering her, it’s quite the opposite actually. And yet the feeling doesn’t go away.
It’s annoying because it feels like I’m a hypocrite that has decided that they don’t want a relationship but still behaves as if this person is their crush. How can I learn to not be this way?
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this, I’d really appreciate some advice!
4 comments
Set boundaries and keep living your life. You don’t *have* to change what’s in your head or your instincts as long as you’re treating people well. You may get married to an amazing person that you love passionately. You won’t be able to believe you ever got so lucky. The dirty secret is you will *still* be getting crushes and falling in love with strangers and the people around you constantly. They might be with you too, but everyone just deals with it when they’re grown ups.
This is where boundaries come into play. You might have a co-worker or friends wife or bank teller that you feel sparks with, but you set boundaries so that nothing untoward can happen. You learn when it’s acceptable to lean in and when it’s best to put some distance between you. It can be a juggling act sometimes, but it’s part of life.
This is all to say that you will *demonstrate* your respect for women through your actions. You don’t need to think of them exactly as men and having a crush is fine as long as you’re not fixating or pursuing it. I’ve had close male friendships that could look *a lot* like dating except for the lack of physical intimacy or exclusivity.
You can eat together, watch movies or TV shows, share music and your deepest, darkest secrets and problems with your bros, that doesn’t mean you’re dating. It’s the same with girls. And say for a minute one of your homies *did* get a little too close to you or weird you out, you’d probably gently create some distance there. That’s what it would be like from a girls perspective too, so think of what you would want someone to do for you in that instance and go from there.
Girls are girls, guys are guys. Relationships between guys and girls are going to be different, especially if there’s attraction involved, and that’s normal.
It must vary person to person. I don’t think I’ve ever had this issue, so maybe I’m not the right person to ask. I’d say just pretend they’re boys I guess. If anything I’m the opposite though and need to remind myself to be less boisterous and stuff.
I think you’re way too critical of yourself. You have had a meaningful friendship with a girl. That’s a win. It doesn’t have to be the same as with the boys so long as it is meaningful and precious to you. No two friendships are the same even with the boys. I have sensitive male friends, I have gym bro friends, I have asshole friends, I have nerdy studious type friends. They’re all different and their requirements for friendship are different as well.