How come guys always have to figure out the plans for a date?
On dating apps, sure I am the one who usually messages first and starts the convo, but its a mutual 50/50 agreement to go on a date, yet its literally almost always me who has to come up with a plans.
When it comes down to it I am more than capable making all the plans, but I always tell girls I’m “open to recommendations” and all I ever hear back is crickets.
How come girls never come up with the plans themselves?
26 comments
Because you are the guy, and she’s the girl. It’s the same in pretty much every species on the planet, masculinity is about taking action and taking responsibility, providing and protecting. Her allowing you take the plans and seeing what you do with opportunity is part of how she decides if you are a suitable partner or not, women carry a lot more risk in sex and relationships than men do, they are the ones who get pregnant and are then stuck with the resulting child, I would say having a guy who has his shit together enough to organise a date is fairly reasonable thing to want to check off.
Full honesty. I am looking for someone who can take charge and make decisions. I don’t want someone who isn’t interested in putting in the effort needed.
Unless I reeeally care about a match I don’t care to be the one taking the lead.
Saying you are “open to recommendations” makes you seem indecisive.
So I have always been about making plans for date nights just as much as any guy I’m dating – I feel like if you put in the effort, so should I, and I honestly love to plan cute surprises, and always have a restaurant/bar/nighttime event or two I want to check out. I don’t know too much about dating apps, but for my past history I would, and still do, plan cute date nights. I’ve done surprise sunset picnics, made reservations for dinner than nearby speakeasy, taken him to a movie I knew he was excited about, cooked dinner and made cocktails, hikes…I expect to be treated equally in a relationship, and for that I think I should give equally. And I think guys should know how it feels to have romantic nights planned for them, where they can just enjoy it and not have to plan anything. Even more so when the night I plan for them shows I’ve listened to their interests and incorporated that into the planned activities. Much like guys should be complimented on their looks, as well as intellect and skills. It’s an unfortunate relic of patriarchy which affects boys badly rather than the girls: unfortunately some girls just expect you to do the planning, and maybe the paying, without thinking about how unfair that is, because that is what they have been taught to believe ‘a gentleman’ should do.
Women will say it’s because they want a guy to be take charge and decisive. The other reason could be that men have traditionally paid for the date so it makes sense that they are the ones to decide what the activity will be.
The real actual reason is because it takes effort. Women today have so many more options than most men do so they don’t feel the need to put in effort. If you’re not willing to put in the effort they will just move on to their 100 other matches who will. It honestly just comes down to competition.
Don’t know what to tell you. I’m a woman and I usually make the plans. So this is not something I’ve ever experienced.
And if you’re the one asking her to go on a date, you should be planning it. If she asks you, she should.
I’m on the bus about 10min from the date when he texts me saying “we can go to the museum” – it was approaching 5pm which meant the museum was closing in 30min.
The date “plan” was “we’ll get ice cream and walk around or what ever”. The “what ever” made me feel worthless.
He picked the stingiest ice cream place. No thought into it, when there were some beautiful ice cream places in the area.
He turns up to the date wearing a company’s free t-shirt, that was well worn.
I realise I sound high maintenance, but how hard is it to pick a nice ice cream place, say we’ll visit a certain land mark (to show he’s put some thought into our evening walk) and to just dress nicely.
I’d happily plan a date, because I’d do a better job to show my date I’m using their time with care and purpose.
Because if you don’t some other guy will, women with options don’t have to do things the way you want.
Because they have options online and men don’t, so are able to take it easier.
That’s not strictly true, but as women we kind of know if we’re already interested. Men tend to take what they can get in dating, and many guys will strung women along for access to her body or emotional energy. So most women are watching closely to see whether you will put in effort, whether you’re a good listener, whether you’re actually interested in getting to know them, and if you’re honest with yourself about what you want.
I (31F) am looking for men who actively pursue me. That means being the first to message me and ask me out & plan a date. I know I’m not everybody’s type but the majority of men find me attractive. If I pursue a man and ask him out, most will say yes in the hopes that I will f*** them or simply because I’m attractive (not because they’re actually interested in me). When a man puts in the time and energy it takes to plan & take me on a date it helps me know that he is invested in getting to know me. Actions speak a lot louder than words and when I can tell a man is putting effort to date me it helps me feel secure, comfortable, and valued in the relationship and then I feel excited to date them!
In past relationships where I have been more of the pursuant, I have found myself in relationships where I am not valued or with men who make little to no effort in our connection. If a man wants a woman who will initiate more and plan dates, he absolutely deserves that. We’re simply not a match!
I want the guy to plan the first date because it’s a sign that he’s not going to be a “idk what do u wanna do” low-effort person. I will happily trade off planning and paying for dates. I fully believe my guy should get to experience being romanced. But I’m not going to ask for the first date or plan it, because I am actively avoiding dating a bump on a log… and if he won’t plan the first date, there are very low chances he’ll continue to surprise me with thoughtful date nights years down the line.
Because if a man is interested he will make plans. If he’s interested enough to only want sex… he probably won’t.
It’s a filter.
Because women are attracted to leaders
I need a guy to make plans for a first date. It shows me if he’s boring or if he knows how to have fun. If the date goes well, I’m happy to plan the second date. We will both need to make plans for an ongoing thing.
The unpopular answer: for the average to above average woman we have a number of guys we are matched with. Unless there is a guy I am very attracted to and have chemistry with, it’s usually easier to let guys make plans and then choose which one I want to go with. Also cause, if I make the plans all the time, most of them are likely to say yes. I’d rather guys weed themselves out by making the plans than go on several dates a week.
I think this is true for women that get even just a few matches a day. And honestly as sucky as it is for men, it’s just the current state of online dating.
It works both ways. If you plan one date I’ll plan the next one. It’s also just wanting to know that the other wants to spend time with you and make memories with you. This also correlates with love language too. If your person likes gifts as a love language maybe going thrifting together and finding one another outfits for one another can be fun. For quality time maybe checking out a new cafe or different restaurant where you can both chill at and converse with one another.
What I’ve noticed from my dating life is that if a man is interested he will put in effort dates wise and if he isn’t that into you he won’t.
Yikes, some of the comments here are alarming. Why do some of you even want to date a woman, seems like you kind of hate them.
As far as planning the first date, I’d always ask to meet for coffee. It’s easy to find a place, it’s a public location, it allows for vastly more conversation than a meal, it’s cheap, and low pressure for both parties. I never felt like I had to make the plans but rather just would put it out there like “Hey, wanna grab a coffee some time!”
I think people today feel all this stress due to social media presenting these fantastical date ideas. Simple is often time better.
Making plans and taking control shows masculinity, that’s just how it is and is part of the attraction process
I’m a girl and I make recommendations so I’m surprised this is your experience with everyone. Could be they want you to take charge or don’t want to suggest something that will cost money if they think you might think you’re expected to pay.
I almost always do or at least collaborate. I sort of let the guy take the lead because I’ve had experiences if I plan everything it was a sign of lack of interest.
I’m sorry for your experiences and I’m sure they’re typical for quite a few men because some women are very passive. But I think some of it does have to do with women gauging interest and sort of conditioned to “go along with it”. Maybe frame it as, “I don’t want to dictate things as i want to get to know you and your interests”.
Wow. Some of these comments. I have never had a date that planned anything. He wanted to meet and was completely lazy about making plans WITH me – not FOR me. Guys, we are gauging your interest by the suggestions you make. A man without anything in mind comes across as low interest and probably not worth the time.
Because I’ve noticed men say yes to dates just because a woman asks them, meanwhile women are more likely to say yes if they actually are attracted to the guy or like the guy. However this is not always the case.
I’ve just noticed that a lot of men are desperate and will say yes to anything a woman says even if they’re not actually that interested and I don’t want that happening to me.
If you don’t, someone else will. Setting of the first set of dates is the bare minimum. Do better