I [M] met with a long-time friend [F] I hadn’t seen in a while. We usually have some drinks, dance and end up having sex, this time it was no different. We were both drunk, not really wasted but fairly drunk, and really enjoying each other, she even said some awkward-lovey things to me during the act that I couldn’t reciprocate but thought they were really cute. At one point I asked her if I could cum inside, and she said yes, but I didn’t do it because I couldn’t finish. We stopped when she got tired. I went to the bathroom and realized I had some blood on my fingers, but just assumed she was in her period and didn’t give it much thought, I decided not to tell her because I imagined she knew and I didn’t want to make her feel bad about it. Never at any point she manifested any pain or discomfort. I went back to bed, put on some music and we cuddled to sleep.
The next day we wake up, still all cuddley, and we end up making out and having sex again. This time I’m really about to cum and she is riding me, I try to control her movements so I can delay my orgasm but she keeps riding me hard. I tell her I’m about to cum and she keeps riding and I finally just decided to relieve myself and ejaculate inside.
Immediately after, a sense of immense guilt takes me over and I tell her that I came inside and asked if it was OK, and she said no, but that it wasn’t a big deal, that she just had her period. I thought it would have been fine since she had consented the night before and had taken a pill I (wrongly) assumed was birth control. things get real awkward, I apologize profusely, I go out and buy Plan B which she appreciates and then we keep talking and listening to music.
at this point she tells me that she doesn’t remember last night, and then she sees blood on the covers, she thought it was a nosebleed and I tell her that she was bleeding from down there. Now I feel it’s starting to look like I raped her and forced myself, even though I know I didn’t, because I remember everything from last night.
She keeps telling me its fine and we keep talking, listening to music, we even go out to grab a bite before splitting off.
But I know this person is a sexual assault survivor and all I can think about is how is this situation affecting her. I feel I did nothing wrong at night and I honestly feel like what happened in the morning was an honest mistake, but her amnesia, and the blood, and everything make the situation feel really heavy. Right now we’re kinda texting about this, she’s not being too responsive but she keeps telling me that it isnt that big of a deal and that the responsibility is shared, but I just keep feeling like a predatory piece of shit, especially because i didn’t ask before cumming inside.
I need some perspective on this because I’m going insane keeping it in my head.
6 comments
You did absolutely nothing wrong.
you feeling bad shows that you are an empathetic person and you care about her. She will know if she’s on her period. Just let her know how you feel
Sheesh. Yea, that’s tough. So I think you know the things you did wrong. You always need to get consent and honestly you shouldn’t be trying to nut inside anyone without KNOWING why it’s ok. She shouldn’t have to be the gatekeeper because she will get urges just like men and say or do things that are irresponsible.
If she did in fact just finish her cycle, she won’t get pregnant but you should’ve communicated and been clear about that.
The part about not remembering the night is an unfortunate thing that can happen when lots of drugs or alcohol is involved. I choose to limit mixing those things and sexual activity for that reason, but honestly I had a night recently that I didn’t remember. It’s much more scary for a guy hearing that she doesn’t remember.
It sounds like you are doing the right things now to make sure she is ok and it seems like you are a caring dude. If she is ok, I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much about it but LEARN THE LESSON.
You are so overthinking this. Let it go
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I’ve been with a handful of lovers who were survivors of very brutal sexual abuse. I’ve been in situations where I worried I’d been too rough with them, or I worried they had said yes when they wanted to say no, etc… but they were completely unfazed. One of my lovers even got triggered during sex and we had to stop, but after she collected herself and meditated a bit, she initiated intimacy again. Because they’d survived actual abuse, small things like what you’re describing barely even register. I think empathetic people sometimes treat survivors like they’re fragile–because we don’t want to trigger them, we want them to have a good time. I can’t speak for your friend, but the people I know who’ve survived sexual assault are tough as nails. Over time, I’ve gradually learned to trust that they are strong and will let me know what they need.