We have been dating over 3 and a half years now. It happens very rarely. she has always been sweet and mostly pointed out things in a nice way like telling me how cute my hands are cause my fingers are shorter than my palms which made me realise how short my fingers are then once out of no where she asked if I style my moustache in a certain way or is it natural that my moustache is so dense on the sides then jokingly said how my nose looks like a like triangle once, how my lips are tiny. I have told her how it makes me feel bad that she points out flaws in me and she was genuinely shocked and apologised right away explaining how she never meant anything in a bad way.
Last night she called me short. I am 5’7 (she is 5’2) and ever since I was a teen I have been very insecure about my height cause most guys are 5’8 or up where I live. It took me a while to finally be comfortable with it. She has been mentally disturbed lately cause of her parents and stress from work and I have been trying my best to be that constant source of happiness and appreciating my support she told me I am too good for her then while I was explaining how I am the one who is lucky to have her. She told me “everyone gets old and lose their physical charm at some point all you want is one person who holds your hand in any circumstances no matter what and if you were tall and great looking but a terrible partner. No one would want such kind of a guy.” I immediately asked her did you just call me short? And she said yes I did with a smile. I felt bad but I told her my height doesn’t bother me anymore and she was sorry saying “I didn’t mean it that way i don’t want to add one more thing to make you feel insecure about cause of me”
Most of her male friends are tall and I can’t help but want to look good for her cause I want her to find me attractive even though she tells me I look good every now and then it still makes me doubt what she actually feels about me. Is it just me not being strong enough to handle critique? I don’t know it just feels a bit harsh to just call out imperfections like that. Every time she points out of something like this it makes me feel insecure and I start noticing these flaws in me. I was never so critical about myself I use to find myself attractive mostly cause people around me made me feel good about myself but now I don’t feel good enough.
TLDR: My girlfriend has pointed out a couple of flaws in my body that has started making me feel insecure. She continues doing so even after talking about it. I don’t know how to handle this.
19 comments
Thats abuse mate.
Do you remember negative punishment from psych class? That is when you encourage people not to do a specific behavior by taking away something they enjoy or like.
Next time she does this, I would remind her how you asked her not to insult your appearance and then go home. The key here is to physically leave her presence. You don’t need to stay around her when that happens, but by leaving, you show her that you are serious. Each time she does it, stay away longer.
You teach people how to treat you.
She may genuinely find the things she points out attractive, but she should’ve stopped commenting on your body after the first time you told her it made you uncomfortable.
She’s trying to make you more and more insecure so she’d have more power in the relationship and be more secure in her belief that you won’t find anyone else
tell her to get fucked plain and simple if no one accepts your flaws like being short for example cut them out
Get even with her and point her flaws out as well
The average US woman is 5’4.
So her beeing 5’2 makes her below average, right?
I don’t understand why people bring stuff up that makes there partner/friends seriously sad, when you aren’t even average yourself?!
Don’t start questioning yourself.
You can change your haircut, the way you dress or whatever but some things are just above us.
Tell her to cut that shit out and don’t let her insult you like that. If she doesn’t stop, leave her.
After reading through your post a couple times, I think your self esteem might just be a bit low.
There’s nothing in your girlfriends statements that make them seem she was intentionally trying to hurt you, it seems more like weirdly worded statements that you took the wrong away. Like, she told you your hands are cute, and now you are fixated on your fingers being too short?
Unless she does things that feel intentionally malicious, I would keep giving her the benefit of a doubt and try to work on how you respond to things instead. Keep communicating with her so she understands where your head is at. And if you can, work on your self esteem with a therapist or even just some self care – get a haircut, try lifting some weights, a new hobby. Find things to like yourself more for.
Imagine if you said “It wouldn’t matter if you were thin and beautiful if you were also a terrible partner”. You wouldn’t right? Because that’s an incredibly backhanded compliment (far more like a insult with a tinge of a compliment attached, in my view).
You wouldn’t say anything so callous to her, because you know it would hurt her feelings and she would be upset. You should treat yourself with the same respect you treat her with.
She didn’t just call you short she also said you weren’t attractive. I’m surprised that part didn’t bother you. I’m not trying to read into things nor do I know the proper term for this, but it’s odd she made those “well meaning” comments. As someone said in the thread it’s like slowly nipping at your insecurities so she has all the power and you feel terrible about yourself. Not to mention you expressed you don’t like the comments she makes but she ends up doing it again anyways. She knows that shit bothers you and using that for her gain. I don’t know man another comment like that and I’d be out. I do think you should work on the self-esteem a little bit as then she wouldn’t use that stuff against. And also it’s just nice to have then people can’t treat you any way they want. You aren’t overreacting man I hope it works out for you, and if things don’t change you should consider leaving.
from my perspective, she wants you to do something about your appearance (e.g., wearing insoles, fixing your moustache). i believe she’s sincere when she says she finds you attractive, but as a girl, i feel like she wants you put more effort into looking a bit better. im not saying she thinks youre ugly, but i think she means for you to do something.
i understand her because i kinda do the same. when my boyfriend refuses to take a bath, i say “grrr go and take a bath, i prefer my men squeaky clean,” instead of telling him he’s starting to smell or something. in short, i sugar-coat to avoid hurting his feelings 🙂
Honestly we would’ve been broken up already. How many times do you have to tell her that it hurts you and you have insecurities. It’s not worth it and you can always find someone who’ll accept you for who you are
Learn to love yourself and not worry about what you can’t change.
Your insecurities are the problem. Not your gf telling you some facts every now and Then. Having small Lips is Just having small Lips. Being 5″7 is short. But thats it. IT not bad. IT not unattractive. Its like telling someone “you have Brown Hair”. Its a fact.
You hear short and that triggers you feeling bad because people bullied you with it but she isnt bullying.
You should come clean with your triggers. She shouldnt have to walk on egg Shells because she might trigger you. You might want to consider therapy.
> if you were tall and great looking but a terrible partner
so she also called you not great looking.
>she was sorry saying “I didn’t mean it that way i don’t want to add one more thing to make you feel insecure about cause of me”
“Then don’t. If you can’t grasp tact, then don’t say these things at all. I already made it clear I don’t like these comments, and you know they hurt me, so it upsets me that you continue to make them.”
You could be a touch too insecure, but she’s certainly not helping the matter. It’s *possible* she’s one of those people that *wants* you to feel insecure so that you stick around with her thinking “I’m lucky she likes me and I can’t find someone better”, but she might just have shitty self-awareness. Just something to keep in mind.
Get rid of her
What tips the scales for me is that I didn’t sense anything edgy about the remarks you’ve quoted to us. My best guess is that, as with most of us, looks serve only as a filter that determines who we’ll date and who we won’t. You passed that test 3-1/2 years ago, and now, it’s the product itself (you), rather that the package it came in (your looks), that matters to her.
I don’t think she wants a relationship, I think she is looking for a chew toy.