My husband and I have been having a lot of disagreements lately. One thing that has come up during this is that he doesn’t feel I should be able to or feel inclined to express what problems I have when he chooses to discuss the problems he has. He says things like “I don’t think you touch me enough” and I say “I think you want more touch than I can provide”. He will then tell me I shouldn’t be expressing my opinion or feelings while he is discussing his. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard as that is literally how conversations work. He said if I want to share my feelings when he is sharing his that is called therapy and he isn’t going to therapy. Does anyone else have this experience? Is this normal?
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It sounds like what he’s asking for is more active listening and not so much back-and-forth, especially if your response is going to be defensive or negating.
This is where “I feel” statements help. He should be using “I feel” statements and reducing how often he says “you” in any given context. The goal there is that we’re not trying to answer the issue, we’re trying to maximize full understanding of the issue.
This is especially thorny with physical intimacy, because the person he’s talking to is ALSO heavily emotionally involved and not really suited for dispassionate listening. Our natural reaction is to perceive our partner’s dissatisfaction as criticism and be defensive (even if only slightly).
If he’s wanting a bunch of passive participation from you, then he likely SHOULD seek therapy for himself. Or couple’s therapy where you two feel like a mediator can keep things on track.
So he wants to give a monologue, not have a conversation? One possible way you could solve this is to listen to him for 5 minutes (set a timer), and then repeat back in your own words, what he said to you. That might make him feel heard.
I hope I’m wrong but I kinda get the feeling he just wants you to touch him more regardless of how you feel about it. It’s possible I’ve spent too much time on the deadbedrooms sub and that’s coloring my perception. He can tell you. You can demonstrate that you heard and understand him. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to provide him with more touch.
you are misinterpreting what your husband means. what he is saying listen to his problems without talking about yours. if the conversation is about him leave it there. whenever a person diverts a conversation to themselves when its not about them, it comes off as they are not listening. if i say im sad because its raining, and your response is, you are sad as well because you lost your ball. you clearly wasnt listening to my problem. you just listened so you can talk about yourself. all he means is if he vents focus on him. then maybe later on bring up your problem. he just needs to listen not compare yall issues
I think he wants validation. So instead of saying he wants more than you can give you can tell him that you understand how he feels. Then you can talk about ways to have more physical intimacy that still feels appropriate to you. Sometimes people just want to feel heard even if you can’t fix it completely. Maybe just saying you will try to work on it will help.
Maybe you two could use professional help sorting this out? And no, marriage counseling is not therapy. It’s primarily education, teaching couples to communicate better and to solve problems together using clinically-proven skills.
We don’t know the dynamics, but what you describe sounds more like an argument. He says “I have problem X” and you respond, “Oh yeah? I have problem Z!”
You say that adding other things is how conversations work and yes, it’s often the case. But that doesn’t make it right. It’s also an ineffective technique.
A bad habit we all have in arguments is to start adding different topics to the argument. In her fantastic TED Talk, [Fawn Weaver makes an interesting point about how we leave behind the original emotion](https://youtu.be/2yXBFo46aRs) that started the argument, and layer on other emotions and other issues in these arguments, which only makes things worse. In other words, we start adding our own gripes that have nothing to do with the original disagreement. So now the argument has expanded to multiple topics. meaning we now have multiple things going on in our argument. Ms. Weaver says to stay focused on that original emotion that we felt and discuss only that–one thing at a time.
Half of communication is listening. Most people think they’re good listeners and they simply are not. Because typically their brain is busy formulating their next response while “listening,” instead of taking it in and absorbing and understanding. When you are listening on an issue, resist the brain’s urge to prepare your response to fire back with “yeah, but I think…” and truly listen and process and understand what is being said. Even repeat it back, like, “What I heard you say is that abc makes you feel xyz, right?” This is jedi-level listening skills that anyone can learn.
We have much more about these things [in this sub’s wiki’s communication section](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/wiki/index#wiki_communication.2C_arguing.2C_fighting_fair_and_stress). Active Listening is one of those skills and it’s not dumb at all.
Sounds like gaslighting to me. This is such a bizarre twist on communication it hurts to ponder.
This isn’t normal.
Also, therapy is not you and your therapist sharing experiences, crying on the floor while drinking vodka, and braiding each other’s hair. Your husband has his idea about therapy all wrong.
Your husband believes you should listen to him and his problems, without giving opinions or feelings. Like a selfless reader?
He wants therapy.
In a relationship, there is no “I want, you give” unless it is one-sided. Sounds like he wants his problems fixed.
Is he acting controlling? Childish perhaps?
In general?