this is going to seem like it has a cut and dry answer as to what to do, i realize that. but i need advice and support on how to do that.
my (19f) boyfriend (19m) has always been a bit controlling. he didn’t go to college, and has major issues with me going. we started talking at the end of my freshman year and he would lose his mind over me going out, and then over this summer he decided that he wants me to drop out because “college is a waste of time, my dream job would take me far away, i could just stay back and be with him, etc etc…”
during the extremely heated argument, he gave an ultimatum that i either drop out and stay with him or go back to school and lose him. i don’t handle conflict well and i immediately agreed to leave school just to stop the argument. well fast forward to now, it’s 2 weeks until i move back in and he thinks i’m not going back.
please don’t tell me how dumb i am. i know it’s a really bad situation. i know i should’ve just left him initially. i was terrified in the moment and my people pleasing tendencies got the best of me. i can’t get advice from family/friends because i’m embarrassed that i ever let another person try and take away my future, my education, etc… i just need advice on how to proceed.
tl;dr
boyfriend gave an ultimatum and now thinks i’m not going back to college, i am. advice on how to leave/proceed
18 comments
Block him now or when you’re about to leave. Cut complete contact. There’s no need to explain yourself whatsoever bc it’ll create more conflict. If he knows where you go to college you need to tell your friends and family.
You’re not dumb, you just need to stand up for yourself. Right now is as good a time as any.
Break up with him. Go back to school. Explore life and enjoy. Do NOT wait for him to break up with you, YOU do it because quite frankly even if you decided not to go to school this relationship NEEDS to end.
You have a tendency to please? Then PLEASE YOURSELF and do what is best FOR YOU. and you know exactly what that is.
Don’t be too embarrassed to reach out to family.
Break up with him.
Before you do that make sure you have a safe place to land.
You might miss a semester but you can go back to college.
You’re really brave for acting on what you know is right even though it’s going to get complicated vs staying with what’s easy.
You need help from friends and family unfortunately. You should not do this alone because of the risks involved. Your ex could come looking for you. He could threaten you. He could make your life hell.
Your safety is number 1. There’s no shame in asking for help when you’re doing the right thing. Pick the least judgey person in your life and fill them in.
In front of a witness, I think you should call your bf on the phone and tell him you’ve decided to go to school and the relationship is over. You don’t want him to be in touch again. This is better than text because it’s confirmation he heard you and received your message.
Now you can block him everywhere. Everywhere. Phone, socials, email… Everywhere.
If you have to get a restraining order in the future, you have your witness who saw you call and heard you speak with him about wanting no contact. They watched you block him everywhere.
I’m not saying it will come to that, but controlling people have a hard time letting go. When he gave you the ultimatum, I don’t think he was serious about letting you go and I believe you did the right thing by pacifying him and telling him you’d drop out so you could get out of danger.
>i can’t get advice from family/friends because i’m embarrassed that i ever let another person try and take away my future, my education, etc..
You know what isn’t embarrassing? Owning up to having made a mistake and correcting it. It’s admirable to do so. People make mistakes all the time – embarrassing ones at that and you may feel ashamed of what you did for a while, but that’s no reason to not do anything about it now.
And you know what you need to do. Tell your boyfriend “You know what, I changed my mind. I’m going back to college, this is what I want to do and it’s what’s right for me. Since we’re clearly not compatible on this point, this relationship is over. Good luck to you.”
If he protests, tries to change your mind, gets difficult, tell him it’s not a discussion. This is your choice, it’s your life, you get to decide. Be strong OP, you’ve got this.
So, you are returning to college and it sounds like moving back into student housing? If that is the case, then go ahead and do so. Once you’re safely back at campus say something like “If you seriously think I need to choose between a relationship with you and going to college and getting a degree, then I choose college. If that means the end of our relationship then so be it. Good bye.”
You’re not dumb but you would be dumb to pick a loser boyfriend over your future. Dump his ass, block him, never speak to him again, and please tell your family and friends. Your embarrassed to tell them because you know once you do, there’s no going back.
I was in your exact position, same age, I had left for college, exact same scenario. I was thinking the same things. I would get mad at my family for even hinting they didn’t like him but deep down I wanted someone to shake me and force me to leave so then I could say it wasn’t me. Please please leave.
I didn’t for 3 years and I am still trying to recover from the emotional abuse I was experiencing without even knowing it and it is now 5 years since I left.
I thought he was a good guy because he would sweet talk me after getting angry and forcing me to leave social events. He would convince me he did these things because he cared. I hope it is okay if I put some things below that I didn’t know was wrong until I left. They may help you have a think.
– it became normal that I apologised for everything I did. Even in situations away from him I was always saying sorry.
– I would talk to anyone that would listen about what he would say and do. Just hoping someone would tell me it wasn’t normal.
-he would shower me with I love you and threaten that life wouldn’t be worth living without me and he would kill himself if I left.
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He would call many many times over if I didn’t answer for even an hour
I am giving you permission to leave and it won’t be easy but please give yourself permission and leave. Put yourself first and love yourself because what he is doing will be clearer to you once you have left. I promise.
He’s controlling and abusive. Leave and block him forever, go back to school, become a successful women. You will have a chance to find a good man later on.
Agreed this calls for no contact, definitely go back to school if that’s what YOU want. You’ll never be free in a relationship with him. You’re young and deserve to experience freedom! Even if you’re dating someone! Surely your school also has security/police, my roommate had an ex that we needed them for.
Please disregard this comment if this doesn’t apply- but I am feeling really called to tell you this- or maybe other people will benefit from this at some point. Abuse and control lives in the shadows in order to survive, so it’s important to tell our stories when we are able.
When I was 17, I was in a similarish situation. My ex was very controlling and his behavior just got worse and worse. I worked really hard to get into college and by the time I was committing to a college, despite getting into a dream school in New York City, he told me to go to the one closest to him, and I did what he said. I wasn’t allowed to disagree or else he would fight with me for hours and hours. There are few things more mentally exhausting than someone fighting with you hours at a time especially when the reason is completely irrational. It is truly torture.
Once I was there, he started controlling everything I did. I couldn’t go for 30 minutes without calling him or else he would freak out. He would either be with me or make me go to him, I couldn’t make any friends. He started throwing my stuff and breaking it. I couldn’t look at a man (including his friends) without being accused of cheating/flirting. I knew in the pit of my stomach something was really really wrong, but because I was in survival mode, I wasn’t able to fully see what was happening. I lived in constant fear of him getting angry and upset with me. I started taking classes like human behavior class and a women’s studies class… I finally had words that helped me to see my ex as the abusive shit head he was.
Love is about expansion. Think of how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are. Love would never tell someone to be smaller than they are. Decisions like these are forks in our path. Please OP you need to be brave and stand up for yourself. Maybe your partner is not the same shit head as my ex, but regardless, I get why this is really hard for you.
I finally gathered the courage to break up with him. It was hard, but you have more control over the situation than you realize. They have taught you to give up your power, but you CAN reclaim it. 1. cut complete contact-we are dealing with a controlling and manipulative person in pain. they know EXACTLY what they need to do and say to get you back under their control. Don’t talk to him on the phone, text, email, socials, etc 2. you don’t have to do it in person, but be prepared for him to show up in person- ask a friend to be with you and tell someone you care about what is going on 3. be strong- if that fucker gets ahold of you he WILL try to convince you and it will feel impossible to say no- run away if you have to 4. Tell your truth to people- you no longer have to hide- and you need people on your side 5. good luck to you, you now have a road of healing ahead of you . I would recommend that you go to therapy to process this. I didn’t process my experience and I wound up with an eating disorder that I struggled to overcome for two years.
He shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum. He should’ve broken up with you, but he didn’t, so no you’ve got to do what he should’ve done.
Call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Don’t text them. Don’t chat with them. *Talk* to them. Let yourself say it out loud. It’s important.
Then make a plan for how to get away from him. ***Do not tell him*** you’re thinking of leaving him. Controlling partners tend to escalate when their victim might leave. Just make a plan and follow through with it.
Why? Because there is no good ending with someone who wants you to be financially dependent on him and who shits on your dreams. There is no good ending.
Also: get iron-clad birth control to protect you until you get the hell away from him.
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ETA: Oh, and ***talk to your friends and family.*** Abuse thrives on isolation. Tell them in advance that if they’re going to do anything other than help you, you’d like to know and you’ll skip telling them.
Honestly, I never recommend ghosting. But this fucker is DANGEROUS. I wouldn’t put it past him to show up on campus and try to find you. If you’re staying in a dorm, I’d talk to res life about him and what you’re going through. I’d also just stop responding to him. Maybe send one breakup text. But don’t do it in person. Don’t give him a chance to manipulate you into staying.
thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. i’m going to use these as fuel to work up the courage to leave. truly, truly thank you🫶🏼
I mean you have a choice, stay with a shitty person who is insecure and doesn’t care about you or break up with him and never talk to him again. Do you live with him? I wouldn’t tell him anything about what you’re planning to do just make arrangements and leave for college. Then break up with him over text and block him so you don’t have to be there when he throws a tantrum. Only respectful, level-headed people deserve an in person break up.
i bet he was the one who hit on you, asked you out