I have been online dating for almost a year now, and I can count on one hand the amount of matches I’ve received. Only one replied to my messages and the conversation only lasted about a dozen messages.
Now there are plenty of reasons I might be struggling so hard. Maybe my profile sucks. I’m not very photogenic, so maybe I’m not displaying the best version of myself. Maybe my conversations are boring. Maybe all of the above. I have had friends tell me my profile is fine, so I’m unsure.
I’m quite socially awkward and anxious so I overthink a lot of this stuff.
But my self-esteem and self-confidence, which were already practically non-existent, have now completely disappeared. Everyone around me, my friends and acquaintances, have so much success with both hook-ups and long-term relationships. It’s hard to watch everyone around me happy when I am miserable.
I’m trying to work on myself and become a better, mentally healthier person.
But how do I deal with online dating with a mental health this fragile?
12 comments
OLD is not the place for this kind of fragility, I learned that in a myriad of unpleasant ways. You are subjecting yourself to people in the most vulnerable way, and unless you have developed a strong constitution for rejection, insults and betrayal, you are simply going to suffer.
It isn’t necessarily all doom and gloom, and you may end up meeting some lovely people and having some wonderful conversations, but as the time I have spent dating has increased, I have become more aware of how inconsistent and intangible it all is.
Build yourself to a point that you are confident with your identity and your boundaries, then respect them. I’ve matched with some very attractive people in the past, but then unmatched shortly after if I didn’t feel I was getting back what I put in, doing that actually helped me to build confidence in my own self worth.
It’s definitely hard, and you’ll definitely get hurt and be upset a few times. Good luck!
>I’m trying to work on myself and become a better, mentally healthier person.
Sometimes what works is prioritising. If your mental health is already fragile, then I suggest that you step back from dating entirely and focus on the above.
Dating, as you have have eperienced, is tough at times. There are misunderstandings and rejections that could further sink your self-esteem. My best advice is to work on being in a good place first, then tackle dating, so you wouldn’t be crushed if things don’t work out how you wanted.
If you wish to continue dating, then I suggest you try group activities, like hiking, painting. Socialising like this would ease the pressures of dating while giving you a safe space to enjoy life and build your self-esteem and confidence level and encourage relationships that are real.
Online dating isn’t worth the time and (emotional) hassle for 90% of all (younger) men. Apps like Tinder and Badoo are extremely based with a worthless M/F ratio and extreme ego boosted girls, who will have infinite likes and men in queue hence becoming extremely picky.
Average Joe’s (probably like you) won’t get a chance unless you somehow get extremely lucky with the algorithms, get at least one decent match and also spark her interest into a date. These apps haven’t been made to progress mankind (although they preach otherwise), but to make as much money as possible and they use desperate males to reach that goal and subscribe to *insert app*-premium.
My advice would be to leave the online dating scene and start pumping in the gym and eventually bump into a girl in real life. Or try to absolute max your photo’s, which takes some skill, time and a perfect location and hope this will compensate for average looks (which is definitely NOT bad, but you just need to be an absolute stud to be really successful online).
People are more bold on the internet and will say/do things they don’t do in person. If you meet someone and they seem suddenly less interested or something, they’re probably just nervous.
Heres how. Get off of them.
80 to 90 percent of men are overlooked and swiped left on. This isnt conjecture, go look up the data.
If you’re a dude, just delete the apps. Let women share the only guys they swipe right on and when they cry about it on social media ignore it. Dating apps used to be fun prior to 2016. It isnt the same anymore.
Get in shape, get your success up, get your career going and meet women IRL. The smart ones and decent women will eventually catch on that dating apps produce harems for Chad’s and not use them and the rest will adhere to sharing them, which is what happens anyway.
Dating apps would be a poor business model if they were there to find you love. You wouldnt be a returning customer if they solved that problem.
The comments are right. Most women on these sites are either looking for an ego boost, something specific (different race, height, money etc.), or something is wrong with them (bad personality, no personality, basic, moody, out of shape, etc.). If they are as attractive and interesting as they say they are, they would just date men around them. A lot of these women claim to travel the world too. You’re telling me, that no man tried to flirt with them. It’s all nonsense and you’re killing your self esteem by staying on these sites. I’m the same, I get looks all the time in public, but I’m picky and moody so it doesn’t work out.
I would say, join a club or activity that you enjoy. You’ll make friends and eventually someone will know a girl that you can possibly date. At least you’ll be having fun.
If your self-esteem and self-confidence are low, don’t do OLD. It will break you.
get one or two people from your general target category, to select from many varied photos of yourself, those *they* think would work best for their gender (we’re often the worst judge of which are great choices, ourselves)
​
boost/repair your mental health, at least, reduce/remove your anxiety:
**anxiety prevention tip:**
I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.
There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.
At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.
A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.
​
do you also contend with intrusive ‘dark thoughts’ recurring many times each week?
Fix your mental and emotional state before you try seeking realtionships.
You got good replies, I just wanted to add, having friends review your profile is a good first step, but the truth is they aren’t going to be brutally honest with you, they care for you too much.
Post your profile for review here or the app subreddits if you want true honesty. If that’s too public, feel free to DM me.
Are you following medical guidelines and exercising 3 hours a week. Need cardio and resistance training.
Good sleep hygiene. Healthy diet.
Go read that free e book Double your Dating by David DeAngelo