How do I deal with my emotions toward this?

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (25m) for almost five years and live together. Our relationship is pretty great, even the sex is great. But a little background, my boyfriend never found me that attractive when we first met, and cheated on my at the beginning. He also had a “female friend” (she’s skinny and brunette this is important later) who he would have totally left me for if he had the chance at the beginning. I did not find out about all this until our 6 month mark, he said things change and he stopped talking to that one girl. But a few years ago I found out my bf gets off with photos and videos of girls here on Reddit. Now I want to point out, I totally understand and support it’s a natural thing, but I feel also so strange and kinda hurt that he does it on Reddit. I don’t know how to really explain it but I feel like likening the pictures and videos are the same as doing it on instagram or Facebook. It feels more personal. Now to also add, every photo I’ve seen have been of females that are very skinny and most have dark hair. Now I’m bbw and blonde. He also saves ons focusing on the bottom half of a female. He barley goes down on me.

Now bringing it back to where I said it’s been happening for a few years, I’ve told him in the past how’s it’s made me feel, he’s promised me he’d stop, that was lie, he promised me he’d change the type of females, he lied. I just feel betrayed and ugly.

I have horrible anxiety and when a thought gets into my head I can’t stop thinking about it, which leads me to checking his phone (just Reddit, nothing else) and every time I find him liking things. The last time was this past Saturday, like why not choose me?

What is so wrong with me? Please help me, I have no idea what to do but it’s legitimately hurting me. If I just bring it up to him again he will get all defensive and tell me he doesn’t want to fight (even though I wouldn’t be trying to cause a fight).