I want to preface I am absolutely not judging anyone who is polyamorous. It’s not for me, but I understand it’s for some people.
What I would like to get clarification on is if it was ever a “phase” (I hate that I even used that word) for you. A guy I was seeing randomly sprung on me that he was interested in “exploring open relationships and poly lifestyle for a bit”. It’s the “for a bit” that was confusing to me. As if he felt like he just wanted to try this for a specific period of time and then stop. Obviously I told him it wasn’t for me and we are no longer seeing each other, but I felt the phrasing was strange. There was also no indication from him prior that this was what he was interested in.
ETA: because of his weird wording, I feel like he was just using me for sex/looking to sleep around, but I would like to hear from people who are in open relationships/poly and get your perspective.
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>A guy I was seeing randomly sprung on me that he was interested in “exploring open relationships and poly lifestyle for a bit”. It’s the “for a bit” that was confusing to me… I felt the phrasing was strange.
It’s possible that his phrasing reflects his own feelings of uncertainty: he’s not currently planning on being non monogamous forever and ever. But he is planning on testing the waters.
Will he give it a go and then go back to monogamy? Will he find himself a triad, start playing the ukelele, and buy a house in Portland? No one knows, including him.
I do know a few people who have been in non monogamous relationships because it’s what their partner preferred, but they mentioned they could take it or leave it. I’ve known a few people who initially tried non monogamy because a partner introduced them to it, and they haven’t looked back since.
Haram
I’ve preferred nonexclusive relationships most of the time, but I did have a long-term relationship where I lived together with my partner. That worked for my situation back then, as my needs were met and I really didn’t have any energy or motivation to date, anyway.
Of course, once my needs stopped being met, the inherent problems of monogamy quickly became apparent, and the relationship ran its course. It was a good reminder, if nothing else, and I can’t see myself agreeing to be exclusive with anyone in the future.
I’m of the opinion that polyamory is an agreement between people, not an aspect of your identity like your sexuality. If you and your partner agree to be polyamorous, then you are. It works great for some people, but not for most.
Most people don’t know until they try it, but opening a monogamous relationship to “try” almost always kills that relationship, so it’s a hell of a gamble if you’re already in love with someone. Every healthy poly relationship that I’ve seen, including my own, *started* as a poly relationship between poly people. Personally, I will never agree to a monogamous relationship again, even if I find myself with only one partner and no strong desire to find another.
I’ve been in monogamous and open/poly relationships and for me, it’s not so much that it’s ever a “phase” so much as it depends on my particular partner and our relationship. I’m bi so it is nice to think about the possibility of being able to kind of “fill” those different needs–but I do really tend to need monogamous time at the beginning of a relationship in order to establish a good base, and I think with the right partner who I really felt seen and valued by I would be happy being monogamous or mostly monogamous for long stretches of time.
I’ve never cheated on a partner or anything, but I can see feeling like I was losing touch with part of myself if it was completely, 100% off the table forever and always. I could only be with someone who genuinely understood that for me, it’s a lot like close friendships–I can have one best friend I love dearly, but I do better when I also have a few other close relationships and a little sense of myself apart from them. Not sure if that helps at all.
I can be in either a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, I have happily done both, it just depends on what each of us are open to, and whether our personalities and dynamics are favourable for any particular type of relationship style.
>he was interested in “exploring open relationships and poly lifestyle for a bit”
I find this a bit odd and vague though, because to me it sounds like ultimately he wants to be in a monogamous relationship but just wants to play the field for a while? Which is a very common thing but he’s put this spin on it. If someone said that to me, I’d ask them what this scenario would look like and how it would pan out in their mind.
Every open/poly relationship I know of has not ended well. Sometimes it’s taken years before it implodes. I tried it once, thankfully before I was intimate with the guy I insisted he get tested and he and his other gf both had chlamydia and gonorrhea. I’ve seen so many people hurt by it. Most I know go back to monogamy, at least one of the people in the relationship.