My fiance and I have been together for just over 4 years and we’re very happy. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better relationship, there is so much trust, love and happiness. We’ve bought a place together and we’re getting married in 3 months so all is going well.
My best friend that I’ve known for about 20 years is going to be a bridesmaid at our wedding.
Both my friend and I are bisexual but nothing has ever happened between us. For me she’s always just been a friend.
However, we are quite touchy feely, but our whole friendship group are. We’ve all known each other for so long which has meant we’re all very comfortable, we hug a lot, hold hands and talk very openly about sex etc. Honestly I’ve never thought anything of it just because it’s been so normal for all of us. My fiance also has no problem with it and understands its just the way we all are.
My best friend broke up with their very long term partner a couple of years ago and has been struggling quite a bit since. I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser and I think I’ve probably allowed myself to become a bit of an emotional crutch for her. I’ve noticed she’s gradually got more touchy feely with me. She’ll be very cuddly, tell me how much she loves me etc. I’ve noticed it’s just got a bit more intense.
When chatting with my partner he said at a party recently he’d actually felt a bit uncomfortable about how cuddly we were as it seemed more than usual. I hate that I made him feel that way. I’ve also started feeling a bit uncomfortable about it but have always struggled with these situations and don’t know how to tell her to stop without upsetting her.
Then this last weekend we had a night out when we went dancing and she started having a panic attack so I took her outside and tried to calm her down. Once she’d calmed down she ended up telling me that my fiance didn’t deserve me. I don’t know if this was just an offhand comment or if it came from a place of jealousy. I feel like it’s not a cool thing to say anyway when we’re about to get married.
So anyway I’m just a bit unsure as to handle the situation. I dont know if im reading too much into it but my gut is telling me theres something going on. How do I build those barriers without hurting feelings?
Update:
First just wanted to say thank you to the support and it’s nice to know I wasn’t reading too much into it. I’ve decided I’ll have a chat with her when I next see her. It’ll make me uncomfortable but it needs to be done.
On a seperate note, I just had a call with another close friend (let’s call her friend 2 to keep things clear) to get their viewpoint. They’ve been out of the country so hadn’t seen how things had progressed recently
Friend 2 made the very valid point that friend 1 has always been rather weird with affection and relationships. Friend 1 has always had a need to feel wanted and has often played with other friends emotions. Despite previously being in a relationship, she would often get overly cuddly with the guys in the group and lead them on. She’s done this multiple times with multiple people. Now everyone is starting to settle down and is happy it seems I may just be the new one she toys with and tries to get some form of affection from.
Basically friend 1 has some serious underlying attachment issues, messes with other people’s emotions to try to satisfy her cravings and doesn’t seem to care who she may hurt in the process.
Weird how much people grow and change in 20 years but you somehow manage to stay ‘friends’.
20 comments
You need to set boundaries with her and tell her all of this touching is making you especially you and your fiancé uncomfortable and if she’s not willing to follow your instructions than I think it’s time to cut ties with her
Set boundaries. You may care about your friend, but there’s no other person more important in your life than your actual partner. Take a cooling period from each other. Create distance. Don’t text back immediately, spend every weekend together. Ease off.
Also, just because “it’s always been this way” doesn’t mean it’s now appropriate for your age, maturity or commitments to others.
You’re not reading into it too much. This is making you and your fiance uncomfortable, so it’s not ok. Period.
I think it’s specifically very strange to say “your fiance doesn’t deserve you” out of the blue, when the conversation was about her panic attack, not him.
My suggestion is to say something to her, but you need to find the right way to do it so you feel comfortable. “Hey, you’re my best friend, but some of the cuddling is getting a little heavy. I have no problem cuddling with you, I love you, but I’d appreciate it if we can keep it to more platonic cuddling.” Or “Best Friend, I’m engaged to be married. I’m really concerned you’re developing feelings for me. I’m not mad at you, I love you, I’m just concerned. I can’t reciprocate those feelings, and you deserve to find a romantic relationship that fulfills you, just like I have.”
My suggestion is that while his feelings are valid, don’t bring up your fiance at all during this conversation. I suspect based on her prior comments that she’ll react by saying he’s trying to manipulate you, take you away from your friends, etc. That’s not what’s happening. You’re uncomfortable too, and I’d focus on your discomfort because she can’t dismiss that.
Good luck! This is not a fun position to be in, I’m sorry you have to have this conversation at all.
Polygamy
Yeah, she’s definitely overstepping.
Meet up and tell her that what she said was inappropriate and that you need her to reign in the physical contact. Let her know it makes you uncomfortable. That you see her as a good friend and are in a happy relationship.
I would be direct. Tell her you need to talk and set up a time to meet up and lay out how her behavior is making you feel and what you will need her to respect as boundaries moving forward. She will keep escalating if you enable her by not addressing it bluntly.
I would straight up tell her that you’re fiancé is uncomfortable with her behavior towards you and that you’d like to be respectful of him. You can politely tell her that you’d appreciate her being more hands-off and if she’s a true friend she should be understanding and not get upset or take offense to you setting a boundary.
I think you should probably not have someone in your wedding party who actively doesn’t want you to be getting married.
Your friend is developing a toxic emotional dependency on you following the end of her relationship – whether this is romantic or purely platonic is unclear, but I think it can be approached the same way:
Reassure her that you still care about her very much, but you are uncomfortable (avoid putting it on your fiance) about how physical and emotionally intertwined you have become as of late, and that her comment about your fiance made you realize that you two should take a healthy step back for the sake of the friendship, as you want avoid further such incidents to happen due to the unhealthy dynamic you two have at the moment.
Now once you say this, her reaction is very telling. If she admits her part of the blame and agrees to allowing this space then that is a healthy indication that her fit could have just been platonic and she is just acting up due to an emotional breakdown. Hence very good chance that the friendship can still end up in a good place.
If on the other hand she gets defensive, negates that she has done anything wrong or worse, tries to turn you against your fiance, then you will have some tougher choices to make.
Tell her to back the fuck off. I’m shocked this is even a post.
I would also throw caution that there’s a possibility that she knows something you don’t? Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt, keep in mind it could be anything.
You need to set a very firm boundary – and be prepared to have it end the friendship if it’s not respected. It is going to be a huge relationship issue for me if my partner will not firmly shut down people who are inappropriate with her.
Can you still call yourself Bi if you’re engaged to be married in a monogamous relationship? Lol.
You’re a rebound safety net she didn’t want to lose.
This was TLDR.
But, you need to create some healthy boundaries. Tell her how much you appreciate her support and friendship while you are preparing to marry the man you’re in love with and hope to spend the rest of your life with (use terms that emphasize your love and commitment to your fiancee).
Do a slow fade on this friendship for awhile. Create some space. Encourage her to spend time with other friends. You can really beg off from gatherings by explaining that you’re a newlywed phase and your first priority is spending time with your husband.
Maybe encourage her to set up a Tinder account so she can meet someone.
Is there any chance for a “throple” type relationship? Has worked for some in the past…
>she ended up telling me that my fiancé didn’t serve me
Asked her why and what made her say so. Although she seems to have an attachment with you and that may be her reason for saying that but that might not be it. There might be something she knew that you’re not aware of. Talk to her.
So… it sounds like she’s not your best friend?
Your friend needs help, try suggesting therapy to her.
Updateme!