TL;DR: GF had surgery and now has no sex drive. Feeling emotionally drained and considering leaving her.
2 years ago my girlfriend had a very difficult leg surgery, which affected her greatly. The first round didn’t quite take so she had to go in for a second surgery, and the whole process has basically traumatized her ever since.
She has always been slow to heal from any injuries, this surgery being no exception, even after 2 years she is still not back to herself.
During her recovery, she started suffering from alopecia and has lost almost all of her eyebrows and eyelashes.
It makes me feel so sad for her because she constantly points out other people’s hair/eyebrows, wishing that she could grow the same.
She just keeps hoping it is temporary, but the doctors have no idea whether she will ever have natural eyebrows again, which I know doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it really affects her self esteem and has caused her a lot stress. The hair may come back, or it may not.
And of course her leg bothers her a lot still. After 2 years, it is mostly healed but I don’t think she will ever be 100%. Certain movements are still quite uncomfortable for her. And she is very self-conscious about the surgery scars on her leg, scared to wear dresses, etc. She cannot accept this fact though. It breaks my heart. I try to encourage her to adapt and adjust, but it is very depressing and emotionally draining having this constant worry on our minds.
Furthermore, the recovery has essentially killed our sex life. Within the past 2 years, we’ve had very little sex, maybe about 12 times in 2 years not sure. Her sex drive has dwindled to basically nothing and I am consistently rejected whenever I make a move. These days I don’t even really try because I know it will be a no from her. It doesn’t help that we are both stressed from school + work as we have somewhat high-pressure careers. We used to have sex not crazy often but way more than now, at least 1-2 times a week in the past and now it is effectively 0 times per week.
She has issues with anxiety and constantly stresses and worries about her leg (in addition to many other things in life).
I’ve been with this woman for so long and I really do love her, she is my best friend, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel completely emotionally drained these past 2 years.
I would say the relationship is great otherwise, we are there for each other and she is so supporting and loving. We’ve been through some very difficult times (mental health issues, family issues) in the past and were able to find a safe place in each other as teenagers/young-adults.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m considering leaving her but I feel like I am abandoning her.
I should mention that we are moving across the country to a new city within the next few months – I managed to land a really amazing job at one of the top companies in my field, but the move is so soon that I feel like I don’t have the bandwidth to leave this relationship at the moment. I’m too preoccupied with finishing school and preparing for the new job.
I also feel like an asshole leaving this relationship when she has helped me up through a long rut of depression in the past. She was there for me, and I’ve been there for her these past two years, but post-surgery our relationship has become strained.
Would I be an asshole dragging her across the country and then leaving? Should I leave and then move on my own?
The other day I was out with a buddy and a girl was flirting with me. I flirted back and it felt good knowing that someone was still attracted to me. Nothing happened but afterwards, I did feel guilty.
2 years ago we were talking about getting married and now I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if this relationship is salvageable, if she will ever recover and be back to herself, or if I will ever have a sex life again…
Every time I think of leaving, I realize that our lives have become so intertwined after 7 years that it would be difficult to leave. Also, I really do love my girlfriend. If she recovered her sex drive, our relationship would be great and I would never even consider leaving, I just don’t know if that will ever happen.
Has anybody here had surgery or spouse had surgery with similar experiences?
What should I do?
4 comments
Has she had any sort of counseling to deal with her medical trauma?
Don’t stay in a relationship out of pity. If you didn’t have the moving deadline, I would ask you about what therapy she is getting. She clearly needs therapy, and if she isn’t getting it, it might improve the relationship. However, having her move and then breaking up would be far worse for her, so I would encourage breaking up before you move, which means you really need to do it asap so she has time to make alternate plans.
I think if you want to break up you should before you move. It would be awful to make her move then dump her in a new city. Be kind but do it soon
Relationships aren’t supposed to be transactional, e.g., She was there when you were going through X, so you have to stay to see her through Y. So it doesn’t matter that you were depressed at one point.
Also, you started dating when you were 18, practically children. It’s possible your relationship wouldn’t have lasted even if she hadn’t been injured because you’re both still growing into yourselves. Even if it seems daunting to leave a relationship you’ve been in for so many years, longevity isn’t a reason to continue to stay.
What does she say when you talk to her about your sex life, or lack thereof? Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship – otherwise you’d just be good friends. Does she understand the impact it’s had on you? Is *she* concerned about it? Does she want it to improve? Is the source of her lack of desire physical or mental?